hallelujah

Beloveds,
I had the most extraordinary day today. I got the impulse to stop by someone's office, the idea came out of the blue yet lead to a conversation of such depth and intimacy. I felt clearly directed to share specific information that was received with great gratitude. I use to get messages to do a certain thing, say a specific thing, go to a special place and whenever I followed that inner voice it always felt miraculous. But in this case I heard no voice, no message, an impulse so subtle I almost missed it. Yet the mystery and magic of what unfolded, how can I convey it? 
 In my sacred dance I felt impelled to share how beautiful everyone is and other visions of several of the women's gifts and inner magnificence. Our dance group together had joined in a circle of such heart felt connection. Later a cashier asked me an unusual question, something like what are you about today. I told him that 20 years ago I knew without doubt that the trick of love is that we always have it and don't need to wait to get it to be it,  rather that it is in giving love to another that we can  most deeply feel it ourselves.  I told him that it had taken me the full 20 years to begin to fully integrate and embody that knowledge. He respond that he found what I was saying pretty amazing. Mind you it was the local coop but that he did not look at me like I was a fruit cake is impressive. It is California but still... Then I told him HE was beautiful. He was definitely startled. He pulled back, shook his head and then said, "and so are you." It was like a drug induced high except the high was an embodied love that had me saying the most outrageous things without the slightest hesitation. I then thanked a fireman for his contribution (California is now being pummeled with fires exacerbated by the drought). I would have been way too shy to do this in the past. The day went on from there. I had another powerful conversation, and now I am  feeling so much inspiration playing on my new web site. But here is the kicker. I feel/felt like Myself! Everything I said and did seemed so new and spontaneous yet it felt like ME, a me I had almost forgotten, a me overflowing with love, a me that has been missing for so long, a me I have missed for so long.  A me that truly sees the beauty in all I met; such a joyous reunion.
Last night I had a gorgeous evening celebrating a few acquaintances. Their joy at the recognition and appreciation my daughter and I were sharing with them was miraculous. The room glowed with light and love. Such cheap words to try to describe an unforgettable night. The shine in George's eyes is something that will stay with me as he said he would always treasure the card we had given him. It's only words typed on a screen yet can you feel the vibration of celebration of life come alive on the screen? 

Ah! need I say, dear Friend! that to the brim
My heart was full; I made no vows, but vows
Were then made for me; bond unknown to me
Was given, that I should be, else sinning greatly,	30
A dedicated Spirit. On I walked
In thankful blessedness, which yet survives. William Wordsworth

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! ! be gentle and kind to yourself and all whom you meet

Darlings, the energies lately have been over  the top. I have been hearing from many generally very grounded people that they are feeling very shaky, overwhelmed, finished. If this is happening to you take heart. I just listen to the commencement speech listed in my last blog. He helped me realize I need to simplify my message even more. It comes down to this. You are amazing, you are loved and lovable, you are a gift. Know that anything but that is just a forgetting and NOT YOUR FAULT. I only have a few minutes yet I want to request they you be extra gentle to yourself and all whom you meet. These times are not easy so be super kind and soft now. Give yourself a hug, a kiss. Hug your dog or a tree. 
I am anti-doting these times by offering love. I am leaving now to give a gift to someone I suspect may be delighted by it. I won't attach to his response, I do it for the pure pleasure of offering love. What a gift to have people to offer love to, it so helps ME remember who I AM. This is wake up time and it ain't always easy. So darlings I send you a hug and a kiss with a little cuddle. Do listen to this below to be inspired. Know you are so loved!!!


To hear Dr. Holden’s remarks in their entirety, click here.

worthiness, gratitude and self love antidote anxiety; remembering soul purposer

I am witnessing many going through the difficulty of anxiety or depression. My challenge has been anxiety yet everything I say holds true for depression as well. Here is what I am discovering. Anxiety attacks the nervous system. When I am in the throes of a full on attack, I forget Who I am. I belief at a primal level that I am inadequate, not up to life, overwhelmed, incapable. All lies yet they seem so real. Then I might blame myself for feeling anxious which entangles me ever more deeply in the quagmire. I realize now I must just ride the wave, knowing as I am witnessing and allowing the anxiety to be there since it IS there, I am already transforming it. When the wave has passed I can then do a mop up job of loving the part of me that falls into this pit. While in the midst of it, when I remember, I can send love too even though it often feels like a lie. Lately when in the pit of anxiety that love felt like trying to put out a forest fire with some spit yet I know that is not true. This is the way, one I love you at a time. Anxiety and depression attack our sense of self and dump us into the greatest lie ever told, that we are unworthy. TRASH! You are gorgeous and magnificent and the only thing that stops you from having a life that reflects that is you see falsely when you look in the mirror, you see perceived faults, errors  mistakes, poor decisions. Yet remembering to choose love again and again and again and again restores us to the fullness of who we are. Please take my word for it if none of this resonates right now.
At one point I considered stopping writing the blog as I was disappointed my vision of a place for dialogue and support for each other through comments has not yet been realized.  I was also discouraged by not apparently receiving much (thank you B.J.) financial support for my most soulful commitment to spreading the love wave. Yet later I realized the thing I do receive, that keeps me writing for so long, always having this blog family in the back of my mind, searching for the best way to convey the truth of our identify here is that it is required of me. It is my soul purpose and it cannot be denied without me paying a big price. The gift I always receive writing here is knowing I am aligning ever more fully with my soul purpose and that is its own greatest reward. If you have not yet found your soul purpose I suggest you give it some thought. Below are some questions to help you discover that purpose.
The other antidote to anxiety/depression is gratitude  I am feeling very grateful for those who have held my hand in this process of wakening. For Ciela for restoring me to the feeling tone of unconditional love, for my mother Ann who I knew loved me even though she could never say it, for Uschi and Irmgard for holding me through my divorce, for Karin for being my soul partner, for Georg for loving and supporting me for so long, for Matt, Mary, Luis, Lauren and Karl for being my teachers and mentors, for Amma with her loving hugs, for my blog soul family for receiving my words with our family coming from 96 counties which gives me such a delicious feeling of being connected to the whole world, for all my friends and relations who have helped me along the way. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Here are the three questions about soul purpose, regrettably I do not have the source:

There are three questions, or pathways, that lead to your life’s calling. The first is the question, “What would I want to do if I knew I was good enough, could do anything, and already had all the money in the world? I call this the Pathway of Joy. (Follow your bliss). The second is the question, “What pain or injustice is going on in the world that I simply must do something about in order to feel that I’m making a difference.” I call this the pathway of Alleviating Suffering (Follow your conscience). The third question is, “What abuse, wounding, or misfortune have I experienced in my past that I want to heal from, and how can I help others who have gone through or are going through similar suffering? I call this the pathway of Healing Self By Helping Others (Follow Your Wounds).

I am also including some comments from this year's graduation commencement speaker for University of Santa Monica where I received my Master's in Spiritual and Counseling Psychology with an Emphasis on Consciousness, Health and Healing.

The heart of Dr. Holden’s talk resonated deeply with the foundations of Spiritual Psychology—awakening to the Soul’s essence, the innate state of Being where Meaning, Purpose, Fulfillment, Joy, Love, Aliveness, and Freedom are always present. As Dr. Holden explained: “When we forget who we are, we get neurotic … then we experience that myth of inadequacy … . The challenge of authenticity is not to change ourselves … but to change our mind about ourselves … . We’re not a self-improvement project.” Dr. Holden elaborated how the goal of any facilitator is to remind the client or person sharing of their essential nature: “I honestly believe the goal is to remember who we are. To uphold the memory of wholeness is to be able to say, ‘I appreciate that you may have forgotten about who you are and you may have forgotten your wholeness, but I will be a witness of your wholeness … . I will remember for you your wholeness so you can remember your wholeness … . Whenever you think that something is missing from your life—remember, it is probably you.’”



To hear Dr. Holden’s remarks in their entirety, click here.

OMG am listening to this and it so resonates with what I know to be true, I highly recommend it and will write a separate post.

remembering, intention, commitment

Yesterday I began facilitating my circle called Brining Your Dreams Alive. I felt very tired and depleted all day and actually took a nap, something rare for me. Fear was nipping at my heals and I felt a deep discouragement  and exhaustion with the waking up process.  I felt irritable and frazzled. Luckily I have done enough classes to know how the energy shifts so I was not concerned about teaching the class. However this class was extraordinary. We had heavy smoke in the air all day due to numerous fires nearby. Many women called to cancel at the last minute. A number of things were unsettling yet once the circle began I felt my energy creep and then roar back in. I felt myself become grounded  inspired, clear. My understanding reached new heights.
There was a very unsettling challenge in the middle of the circle yet I stayed in balance, grounded. The smoke cleared and that was one silly fear blown away literally with the wind. I had woken up with big anxiety over things that I would normally hardly give a second thought to. Everything seemed to be going against me. Now many of these things resolved themselves without effort yet what I see so clearly is when my nervous system is out of balance, my mind can go berserk, creating imaginary mountains to threaten to bury me with an impending avalanche. Yet at the time it all seemed so real and even though I did my best to love it, to accept it, to not believe it, the illusion had really swept me away.
We worked in the circle with specific tools to set intention and coalesce our commitment to our dreams. Afterwards I felt crystal clear and today I have been stunned to recall the level of forgetting that has swamped me for the last few weeks. It is hard for me to fathom how opaque the fears become. Now I can laugh even while remembering how badly the boogie man scared me. I know that using those specific tools of  focusing intention and commitment helped shift the energy as did coming together as a group in consciousness. I know at east one other person had an equally remarkable shift while another seemed swept by emotion.  I feel so lucid, so full of certainty and a deep remembrance of my worth and abilities. I also see how the dive to the depths cleared the way for this new level of awareness. 
I have been having the most amazing encounters with people some i have met briefly before, some I had never met before and some old friends. The encounters are beyond words, mysterious, powerful. I feel they were ordained and that often I have a message for the person perhaps to encourage them , to acknowledge them, to clarify something. The meetings are intense, soulful, real, intimate, powerful. They can occur anywhere, anytime. I feel that, as Way of Mastery says, I am merely a messenger for the Universe, speaking words that are often not mine. Sometimes the clarity and insight that emerges brings me to tears. Always I feel a deep sense of connection, the feeling of separation disappears and I feel fathomless love for the person, a love that engulfs me and is indeed a love wave. I stand in awe of the mystery. I see it as an affirmation that I am on the right path, on the green light as my friend says. Yet that does not mean the rougher waves are necessarily over.
I hope when the next challenging wave hits I shall met it with more grace and less resistance knowing beyond the level of thought that it is an answer to my prayer to fully remember and reflect the Love we all are. I wish I could install something in my brain to go off when I fall so deeply into fear. For now I shall have to just take it as it comes and enjoy the view from the top of the wave.

forgiven- it's not your fault

Another challenging day of physical tension I formerly called anxiety. Had days with a break and can see how I am pulled to dive into the anxiety with one after another stressor plus world news. I have to pause, pull back, slow down, go outside, breath in order to not enter free fall. Yet a crucial piece shifted last week. I woke up before dawn in almost a panic, no particular reason, just free floating anxiety. I read something in my Way of Mastery and then fell into a profound sleep, the one where I know I have just absorbed a deep truth at a level beyond thought. So when I woke up I wanted to write down what I had realized yet I had forgotten! Yet over time fragments came back and what I realized was that I was blaming myself for being anxious, thinking if only I had done more work, different work, been more responsible, less serious, etc., then I would not be anxious. Somehow that misunderstanding blew up and I kept seeing the word Forgiven flashing through my mind. I had met a delightful man who had carved that word and I saw the carving in my mind's eye. A deep peace settled over me and I knew that the anxiety came from being a human being with a sensitive nervous system existing on planet earth at this time in history, hardly something to blame myself for. Such inner freedom.
I again woke early this morning in a mild panic. Several appliances have developed problems, my premonition of fire was met this morning by heavy smoke filling the air from a distant fire, the world news sucks the big one, nothing special. Again I was led to the perfect passage in Way of Mastery. I realize survival fears are plaguing me and there is only one way out which is not to control the supply of money flowing into me but to release my attachment to money as the source of my well being. There is not enough money to save me from this fear, I can now see clearly the answer is to release the cultural addiction to money= safety. Not sure how it will look but it is a beginning. Actually I do know, as always it is a return to the remembrance of my own Divinity, our Divinity. I had jotted down these notes when I began this blog last week


turst power of own heart, trust own divinity to resolve and whole

Yes, this is always the answer and yet I feel at the edge of a pit of anxiety threatening to suck me down forever. I am doing my best to love that fearful part of myself, not resist my resistance to feeling any of it,. Not much luck today with any of it. Doing my best just to survive it and sending you darlings so much love. These are not easy times so sweetheart, know you are loved, get through as best as you can and celebrate the moments of connection and joy.

“How is it possible that I am this abundant, successful, and adored?”

love this one:

Matt Kahn

September 11

An answer offers you a chance to exist however your questions frame you to be. This means life often provides you with experiences that are solely dependent upon how you choose to view yourself in the questions you ask. Lower vibrational experiences unfold whenever fixated on a question of why, just as the miraculous grace of high vibrational experiences blossom into being whenever asking a question of how.

For example, the question, “Why doesn’t anyone like me?” invites life to offer you experiences to substantiate the idea that you aren’t liked. Even if around those who like you, it will seem to you as if you are viewed by others in whatever way keeps such a question in-tact. Conversely, asking the question, “How is it possible that I am this amazing, healthy, fulfilled, radiant, inspired, prosperous, and blessed?” allows life to offer experiences that confirm how amazing, healthy, fulfilled, radiant, inspired, prosperous, and blessed you already are.

As a practice, pinpoint 1-3 adjectives that celebrate the highest experiences you wish to discover. Then add them into the following sentence: “How is it possible that I am this ___, ____, and ____?” Repeat it to yourself throughout the day as often as possible, especially in the aftermath of being triggered to discover a 5th dimensional way to rewrite your subconscious mind.

As your subconscious mind is rewritten, you invite the Universe to welcome a brand-new frontier of creations into your reality. It also reveals the deepest answer to not be a conclusion or concept of any kind, but the discovery of a well-framed question. www.truedivinenature.com

endings and beginnings

Today is the first day my marriage is legally over. Yesterday I unexpectedly had the chance to go to my favorite spot on the soulful Yuba River. I spontaneously created a ritual for the last day of my marriage.  I build stone cairns to release the identity of wife and washed the old away under the waterfall. I recalled with gratitude the 23 1/2 rich years we were together, the 3 1/2 years since we separated of ongoing friendship, family, support and kindness. The memories were so varied and rich I could not begin to remember even a fraction of the wonderful times we had together. Perhaps one of the things I have appreciated the most about my now officially wasband Georg was how supportive he was, how he always had my back until the end. We traveled together for years visiting 5 continents and so many countries maybe 50. We did silent meditation retreats in Thailand, rode elephants in India and Nepal, a camels in Egypt. We saw so many beautiful sights and shared the joys and sorrows of family. We adopted a beautiful daughter from Guatemala and lived there for several months awaiting the completion of the adoption. We supported each other in sickness and health, we believed in each other. One of my greatest regrets is how I projected so much of my sadness and fear on to my former husband as our marriage dissolved. Seeing and healing those wounds took me to the depths of my being and I am a better person for it, so much more open and loving. No words can convey my gratitude and joy that I had the privilege of being married to this amazing man for so long.