pause

I will be taking a break and may or may not have computer access. So I may be out of touch until mid August. If so, know that I hold all of you in my heart. I send you Godspeed through these exciting, tumultuous, liberating times. May the road rise up to meet you. Giant hug and big smooch, savannah

the final frontier, the end of seeking

I never understood the phrase about in order to awaken one needs to stop seeking. Yet listening to Matt Kahn I so get it. I get how I need to seek until the point now where seeking backfires and creates self blame. I am now at the point where the tools help but I am almost ready to put them down and just be. I see how every tool I have ever used can easily turn into a weapon of not doing it good enough, perfectly, not trying hard enough etc. I need to be more loving. First, is that true? Turns out not cause the need to be loving creates an immediate boomerang of putting me down cause I ain't there yet and then creates a vortex pulling me in exactly the opposite direction I want to go. I also love what he says about a seemingly simple tool like allowing everything. I can easily measure that I am not REALLY allowing the agony with enough openness- who the hell can fully allow and open to agony so whoops, another perfect opportunity to judge myself. So I am doing what he suggests and just acknowledging. The energies now often leaving me feeling squeezed to the point of almost being breathless, increased heart rate and blood pressure. So when I feel it I just acknowledge it and say "Hurray!" as he suggests. It is so ridiculous I immediately feel better but best of all no judgment, just simple noticing with a hurray! Love this tool, love being ready to let the seeking go.

Since my huge breakthrough with my self worth last month, I am experiencing a level of self acceptance and love I have never known. For me it is a puzzle that is finally starting to come together.

july joy

air conditioning, yoga, relatively calm, slept well, sweet times with friends and daughter, so much more self love and appreciation, tears of self acceptance, increased awareness and understanding, calmer, less intensity and pressure, lighter, feeling more capable, calm day yesterday, slight cool breeze, at peace with searing heat, getting tasks done calmly, opportunities, change to be in a different environment, re-listening to session from Asandra, more fully understanding, embracing loving myself, releasing self blame

love, acknowledgment, Mat Kahn releasing doubt and self blame

These teachings may feel obscure yet for me are invaluable in helping me release ever more subtle levels of self blame. love this! listening to Matt I get ever more deeply how many ways there are to self reject and the antidote is to acknowledge it all openly, adoringly. so many spiritual tools have the trap/shadow of self blame judgment if one doesn’t do them “well” keeping us endlessly trapped in duality. time to bust loose. I see this in all of it, trying to be loving, law of attraction, now even in a seemingly harmless word like acceptance. So wise. hope it helps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3IQvZd_AAY

A Love That Has No End - MattKahn TrueDivineNature.com

and this one is helping me and gave me a wonderful "trick" that is really a lovely tool:

The Joy of Equality - Matt Kahn/TrueDivineNature.com

It's working for me, hurray!

surrender to love

this to me speaks to the key of our often relentless self judgment and how letting that judgment go is the heart of the matter.

Surrender to Love - Matt Kahn/TrueDivineNature.com

After listening to Matt kahn’s surrender to love I feel tectonic plates shifting in me. He said exactly what I have told myself for so long yet hearing his words, I recognized how I am always trying to be a loving person to prove to myself my own value. So I often judge myself for not being loving. A certain dynamic in my life is highlighting this. Someone wants something from me I can not authentically give. Yet if I don't give it I fall into being an unloving person in my eyes. If I do it inauthentically, I fall into the same trap, now as an inauthentic person. Self judgment looms on both sides. Spiritual ego.  I get how my doing has been about loving. I have to “do” love or I am unworthy in my own eyes. Time to let it go and love all of it, even myself as the poopoo head.

job- Joy Of Being

I am on my road to joy recovery. I keep getting little encouragements scattered on my path. Two objects with the word joy showing up after being lost for years then a car sticker extended joy to me. I am so appreciating myself lately since I accept my true job. I no longer devalue myself for not being more out is the world, more successful in worldly terms, especially since I seemingly had not used my massive amount of education in the way my family of origin expected I should. I am resting ever more fully in my own magnificence and thus can more easily see if in all I meet. Within a 2 minute conversation with the man that cleared my driveway, he shared his wife has 6 weeks to live, pancreatic cancer. My hands flew to my heart and I beamed him with such love. I saw tears spring to his eyes. This is my joy. Recovering my own joy and love and then extending it outward, in that order, and receiving it back, creating a circle that flows endlessly. I am so clear now that the J.O.B. I assigned myself a decade ago is my true job. It has taken me that long to fully own it. My job really is to embrace my Joy Of Being. Now that is a job I can love! The next part is to fully believe my job can and will cover the bills. The next work in progress.

My other job is to share the pieces of the puzzle I have found with others.  On that note, I want to share Aisha North’s post 2 days ago about talking to the body to smooth out symptoms. (thank you Sara). It helped me this morn make peace with little sleep and high heat, deciding my body can release it’s old reactions to these conditions.

the beacon- a turning point

This was probably the most significant turning point in my understanding of the true nature of love. It occurred 2 1/2 years ago and is something I just wrote for my writer's group.

As her marriage continued to disintegrate, it became increasingly obvious that instead of being the adored and cherished wife, her feelings and needs were no longer appearing on her husband’s radar screen.  Maybe it was just the proverbial straw breaking the camel’s back. All she knew is that this one incident on this one tempestuous night suddenly catapulted her into feeling as though her body would explode. She literally could not bear the pressure and felt herself propelled out of the house. Instinctively, she did not want her daughter to witness such a complete disintegration. She made it outside of the house before a shriek split the air. The sound Dopplered back to her. Some aspect of her wondered where that primal, inhuman sound emanated from. What flashed through her was the image of an indigenous tribe out of National Geographic. When she realized it had come from her own throat, a tiny part of her was conscious enough to be very frightened by this keening.

She ran pell mell down the steep drive. The wind and rain gouged her face. The cold of the stormy winter night did not penetrate her awareness. Her need to escape was all that existed. She wanted to run so fast that she would physically out distance herself. She felt as though her skin was tearing, trying to contain her grief.

She ran down the dirt road, pursued by inner demons. Her mind was blank, obscured by the intensity of the physical sensations shredding her. She ran until she could not longer stand. She collapsed into the trunk of a moss covered tree. The wet tendrils caressed her cheek. She held on with a death grip, her feet balanced above the tree’s deep roots. Her hair dripped silent tears. Her hands clenched the rough, scared bark of the massive tree. Slowly her breathing began to calm down. She could hear her frantic heart beat begin to steady itself. An ant crawled across her vision. Inexplicably, a calm began to settle in her bones. She was able to lift her head from the tree’s shelter and take in the dark world around her. The sound of rushing water soothed her frayed senses.  After a final embrace, she said goodbye to her beloved friend with a kiss, thanking the tree for it’s restorative grace. She walked slowly, as though awakened from a trance, delighting in every splash of the cascading run off. Frogs croaked a welcome. A peace oozed through every pore of her skin. Had she ever known such total tranquility?

Everything was perfect, the dark sky, the rain now only splattering it’s renewal. She walked to a pipe dug under the road, mesmerized by the waterfall sounds flowing through the drain. It was the most delightful sound she had ever heard. Her body tingled with a sweet vibrancy. Slowly her mind returned and she knew her family would be worried. She started languidly back towards the house. In the distance she saw her husband and daughter’s shapes emerge from the gloom walking towards her. Yet she was already home.

It was quite sometime later when she was able to grasp what had happened to her. Years of training in the pain body release process of Cellular Memory Release had conditioned her to be able to withstand ever great amounts of pure emotion, from grief, to rage to joy. Paradoxically, by physically plunging fully into any emotion and allowing it entirely, one is miraculous aligned with the frequency of wisdom that runs the entire Universe. Her training had kicked in that night to enable her to physically dive into the unadulterated experience of absolute grief. Her mourning was not conscious, yet in hindsight she was able to recognize that she was grieving her lose of illusions about love. She understood in a visceral way that she could never obtain the love she had sought her whole life in someone outside of herself. She morned the loss as though a child had died. She was clear that what had driven her for her entire life was now dead. She felt terrified to understand that only a love that emanated from within would answer her deepest yearning. The intellectual understanding of this harsh truth had dropped into her gut. Her absolute commitment to clearing all the obstacles to love in her life had brought her to this awareness. Yet her complete allowing that night of what was occurring in her body moment to moment was the open sesame that swept her rapidly into a state of wholeness, of being, of love.   It took several more years to begin to more fully embody that new reality yet the hour spent in that state of complete surrender was a beacon guiding her home.