Monday, July 1, 2013

the final frontier, the end of seeking

I never understood the phrase about in order to awaken one needs to stop seeking. Yet listening to Matt Kahn I so get it. I get how I need to seek until the point now where seeking backfires and creates self blame. I am now at the point where the tools help but I am almost ready to put them down and just be. I see how every tool I have ever used can easily turn into a weapon of not doing it good enough, perfectly, not trying hard enough etc. I need to be more loving. First, is that true? Turns out not cause the need to be loving creates an immediate boomerang of putting me down cause I ain't there yet and then creates a vortex pulling me in exactly the opposite direction I want to go. I also love what he says about a seemingly simple tool like allowing everything. I can easily measure that I am not REALLY allowing the agony with enough openness- who the hell can fully allow and open to agony so whoops, another perfect opportunity to judge myself. So I am doing what he suggests and just acknowledging. The energies now often leaving me feeling squeezed to the point of almost being breathless, increased heart rate and blood pressure. So when I feel it I just acknowledge it and say "Hurray!" as he suggests. It is so ridiculous I immediately feel better but best of all no judgment, just simple noticing with a hurray! Love this tool, love being ready to let the seeking go.

Since my huge breakthrough with my self worth last month, I am experiencing a level of self acceptance and love I have never known. For me it is a puzzle that is finally starting to come together.

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