The places I find myself in this summer are new and thus unfamiliar. Initially it was a no man's land of flat lined, non emotional response to whatever was arising including experiences that in the past normally brought me great joy. This hohum touched so many events that I had looked forward to, some for years including a fabulous birthday gift of an elegant French dinner and a wonderful cliffside hotel, boogie boarding at my favorite beach in Malibu (picture below), time at the coast and seeing old friends who live far away. Nothing deeply touched me and for a few days nothing touched me at all. I really wondered if this bizarre state was some end point called neutrality. I heard Matt Kahn say that emptiness is our natural state and that the euphoric states of joy are only places we visit periodically. I was not well pleased to imagine even for a second this was the final result, yes, no drama, little fear or pain but also little or no joy. A huge improvement of course from the panic and terror of the previous years but not worth the journey. So I was very happy to hear Lauren at ThinkwithyourHeart.com say that the state of presence is nothing like what I am experiencing but rather filled with a luminosity and aliveness that delights the senses in every moment of full awareness. Yes, I have had those moments. Recently I have also had huge waves of awareness of my own unlimited power. They confirmed to me that all of this was real and definitely worth the ride. I tasted my own magnificence and it was good!
For me the ride now is much more manageable, less bumpy and for those of us in the first wave seem to be the order of the day. For two nights I had minimal or almost no sleep which was less than fun yet I experienced it fully without the accompanying story of "woe is me" which literally left me less tired. Last night I slept yet was awakened by a new alarm set for school wake up time. It had not worked the days I needed to get up but now mysteriously worked just fine. In the past I would have been horrified to be awakened when finally sleeping, now it was just an odd curiosity without any accompanying freak out.
Yet this morning I have a sadness. My daughter has been party of a girl's moon group. They are on retreat this weekend and I was feeling way too tired to go plus my daughter was really not wanting to go. I feel a deep sadness for all the events, experiences, opportunities I have missed during all the years I have been immersed in this consuming journey. It leads me to question myself, to ask if I could have done things differently, suffered less, made better choices, been a better parent, more healthy, better example. Luckily this feeling does not linger as I now know and almost always remember to just love that part of myself that is arising in pain or doubt. I love the one that feels it is missing out, that doubts itself, that feels somehow outside or not included. I practice my vision as the unlimited creator and imagine the world as I desire it to be, sending out love waves to myself and anyone I know is suffering and lately that seems to be a lot of people. Almost everyone I know is either very challenged, tired, grumpy mixed with amazing synchronicity, opportunities and mini miracles. What a ride.
I too have experienced amazing manifestations. One night I set the intent to find someone to help me with computer work. I then got an unusual desire to drive into town to go to a coffee shop on the weekend and hear a harp player. I normally don't go to town on the weekend as it is a long drive. There I saw someone whose face I recognized, he told me where I'd seen him before, we start talking and two days later he comes down to help me, for free, fix the mistake on my web site so I can update again!:
http://wearethebeloved.wix.com/mastering-love-#!services/c8k2
I also had the thought I'd like to have a clean car and when I meet my wasband to deliver my daughter to him for her time at his house, he spontaneously pulls out cleaning material and starts cleaning the interior of my car. My mouth was just hanging open in amazement. Another example is how I had felt victimized by my poor internet service which goes down regularly and has cost me a lot of lost business because my Skype gets interrupted. I felt the sense of limitation and decided ENOUGH! My wasband tried to get it fixed for months with incredible frustration and stress without resolving it which is why I had not taken it on. In addition we were led to believe it was the location of our home behind a hill that was the problem. I decided not to accept those limits and called to resolve it. After endless calls and run around including a no show after I devoted an entire afternoon to waiting for the workman to show, the next day a man arrived unscheduled and was super efficient. It turns out he did not get everything yet he gave me his phone number and has returned twice thus far to keep making adjustments. Those of you familiar with this mega corporation can imagine what a miracle this is.
So in this moment I am allowing the sadness of not going to this retreat where they will hike to waterfalls I have never visited (I love waterfalls), swim in water spots I have never seen in an area I don't know well (love finding new places for swimming) where they will stay in a cabin. I love the part of myself that feels it is missing out and accept this is what is occurring and while maybe it COULD have been different, it is not different. It is what it is.
I am also feeling my gratitude that the start of the school year has gone more smoothly than ever and I am recognizing and releasing the way I have felt a victim of my daughter's learning differences and how they affect her experience of school, creating tension and stress in our home. I am also releasing her from the victim role and realizing how tightly I held her to the belief that this was stressful and immutable. Lo and behold, she came home and told me she actually understood complex information about the atmosphere that I could barely decipher! ( I am trying to wean myself off of both of these (!) with little success.) Right now I experience limitation and inadequacy primarily in two areas one of which is the school experience. I notice how that emotion feels in my body, I allow it with compassion and then I love the part of myself having that experience. I can definitely feel how it is shifting my experience and little peeps of self love are sprouting up in a more visceral way than ever. (I am aware I sometimes use difficult English words, please let me know if the translator does not interpret them well. I realize non English speakers are likely not familiar with such unusual word yet I love to play with language.) I innately KNOW the value of self love and am pleased that since the end of July it is easier than ever for me to stick to my commitment to love myself, regardless of what arises This is and always has been one of my deepest intents and I am thrilled (in a hohum sort of way ) at the latest anchoring of this energy.
While I was writing this, I had problems again with the computer and switched around to see what was up and found this, now that is synchronicity, a conversation between Lauren at ThinkwithyourHeart.com and myself:
For me the ride now is much more manageable, less bumpy and for those of us in the first wave seem to be the order of the day. For two nights I had minimal or almost no sleep which was less than fun yet I experienced it fully without the accompanying story of "woe is me" which literally left me less tired. Last night I slept yet was awakened by a new alarm set for school wake up time. It had not worked the days I needed to get up but now mysteriously worked just fine. In the past I would have been horrified to be awakened when finally sleeping, now it was just an odd curiosity without any accompanying freak out.
Yet this morning I have a sadness. My daughter has been party of a girl's moon group. They are on retreat this weekend and I was feeling way too tired to go plus my daughter was really not wanting to go. I feel a deep sadness for all the events, experiences, opportunities I have missed during all the years I have been immersed in this consuming journey. It leads me to question myself, to ask if I could have done things differently, suffered less, made better choices, been a better parent, more healthy, better example. Luckily this feeling does not linger as I now know and almost always remember to just love that part of myself that is arising in pain or doubt. I love the one that feels it is missing out, that doubts itself, that feels somehow outside or not included. I practice my vision as the unlimited creator and imagine the world as I desire it to be, sending out love waves to myself and anyone I know is suffering and lately that seems to be a lot of people. Almost everyone I know is either very challenged, tired, grumpy mixed with amazing synchronicity, opportunities and mini miracles. What a ride.
I too have experienced amazing manifestations. One night I set the intent to find someone to help me with computer work. I then got an unusual desire to drive into town to go to a coffee shop on the weekend and hear a harp player. I normally don't go to town on the weekend as it is a long drive. There I saw someone whose face I recognized, he told me where I'd seen him before, we start talking and two days later he comes down to help me, for free, fix the mistake on my web site so I can update again!:
http://wearethebeloved.wix.com/mastering-love-#!services/c8k2
I also had the thought I'd like to have a clean car and when I meet my wasband to deliver my daughter to him for her time at his house, he spontaneously pulls out cleaning material and starts cleaning the interior of my car. My mouth was just hanging open in amazement. Another example is how I had felt victimized by my poor internet service which goes down regularly and has cost me a lot of lost business because my Skype gets interrupted. I felt the sense of limitation and decided ENOUGH! My wasband tried to get it fixed for months with incredible frustration and stress without resolving it which is why I had not taken it on. In addition we were led to believe it was the location of our home behind a hill that was the problem. I decided not to accept those limits and called to resolve it. After endless calls and run around including a no show after I devoted an entire afternoon to waiting for the workman to show, the next day a man arrived unscheduled and was super efficient. It turns out he did not get everything yet he gave me his phone number and has returned twice thus far to keep making adjustments. Those of you familiar with this mega corporation can imagine what a miracle this is.
So in this moment I am allowing the sadness of not going to this retreat where they will hike to waterfalls I have never visited (I love waterfalls), swim in water spots I have never seen in an area I don't know well (love finding new places for swimming) where they will stay in a cabin. I love the part of myself that feels it is missing out and accept this is what is occurring and while maybe it COULD have been different, it is not different. It is what it is.
I am also feeling my gratitude that the start of the school year has gone more smoothly than ever and I am recognizing and releasing the way I have felt a victim of my daughter's learning differences and how they affect her experience of school, creating tension and stress in our home. I am also releasing her from the victim role and realizing how tightly I held her to the belief that this was stressful and immutable. Lo and behold, she came home and told me she actually understood complex information about the atmosphere that I could barely decipher! ( I am trying to wean myself off of both of these (!) with little success.) Right now I experience limitation and inadequacy primarily in two areas one of which is the school experience. I notice how that emotion feels in my body, I allow it with compassion and then I love the part of myself having that experience. I can definitely feel how it is shifting my experience and little peeps of self love are sprouting up in a more visceral way than ever. (I am aware I sometimes use difficult English words, please let me know if the translator does not interpret them well. I realize non English speakers are likely not familiar with such unusual word yet I love to play with language.) I innately KNOW the value of self love and am pleased that since the end of July it is easier than ever for me to stick to my commitment to love myself, regardless of what arises This is and always has been one of my deepest intents and I am thrilled (in a hohum sort of way ) at the latest anchoring of this energy.
While I was writing this, I had problems again with the computer and switched around to see what was up and found this, now that is synchronicity, a conversation between Lauren at ThinkwithyourHeart.com and myself:
“and maybe the hohum is just letting go of the idea that something out there will truly satisfy” …exacts.
after the release of any emotional heaviness, a newness is birthed…a new participation with life that makes all our favorite things even better…titillating even.
But even our favorite things feel lifeless and dull when we have not yet felt the pain that it is blocking our joy.
ie, nothing external can release us from bondage…its all an inside job.
Ultimately, it’s only in feeling our pain that we free ourselves from i
Girlfriend your words are manna from heaven. I was literally just writing a blog about this, saying how I have to feel it to heal it. The part that is the manna is I was having some doubts about there ever being an end to this rainbow. I thought if this is the famous neutrality/emptiness they speak of, what I am sure I falsely wondered was the whole Buddhist non attachment thing, I was like forget it man, no fun and not worth it. Know any seeking will just push it away further so allowing it to unfold as it does and recognizing it is the mystery that is in charge of the whole show, not my puny understanding, thank God
Thank you, honey balm words to me. soothing. and i have my answer :)
ReplyDeleteKisses, darling Savannah
lu
you are welcome love
ReplyDelete