Saturday, August 23, 2014

the dance of emptiness and magic

The places I find myself in this summer are new and thus unfamiliar. Initially it was a no man's land of flat lined, non emotional response to whatever was arising including experiences that in the past normally brought me great joy. This hohum touched so many events that I had looked forward to, some for years including a fabulous birthday gift of an elegant French dinner and a wonderful cliffside hotel, boogie boarding at my favorite beach in Malibu (picture below), time at the coast and seeing old friends who live far away. Nothing deeply touched me and for a few days nothing touched me at all. I really wondered if this bizarre state was some end point called neutrality. I heard Matt Kahn say that emptiness is our natural state and that the euphoric states of joy are only places we visit periodically. I was not well pleased to imagine even for a second this was the final result, yes, no drama, little fear or pain but also little or no joy. A huge improvement of course from the panic and terror of the previous years but not worth the journey. So I was very happy to hear Lauren at say that the state of presence is nothing like what I am experiencing but rather filled with a luminosity and aliveness that delights the senses in every moment of full awareness. Yes, I have had those moments. Recently I have also had huge waves of awareness of my own unlimited power. They confirmed to me that all of this was real and definitely worth the ride. I tasted my own magnificence and it was good!
For me the ride now is much more manageable, less bumpy and for those of us in the first wave seem to be the order of the day. For two nights I had minimal or almost no sleep which was less than fun yet I experienced it fully without the accompanying story of "woe is me" which literally left me less tired. Last night I slept yet was awakened by a new alarm set for school wake up time. It had not worked the days I needed to get up but now mysteriously worked just fine. In the past I would have been horrified to be awakened when finally sleeping, now it was just an odd curiosity without any accompanying freak out.
Yet this morning I have a sadness. My daughter has been party of a girl's moon group. They are on retreat this weekend and I was feeling way too tired to go plus my daughter was really not wanting to go. I feel a deep sadness for all the events, experiences, opportunities I have missed during all the years I have been immersed in this consuming journey. It leads me to question myself, to ask if I could have done things differently, suffered less, made better choices, been a better parent, more healthy, better example. Luckily this feeling does not linger as I now know and almost always remember to just love that part of myself that is arising in pain or doubt. I love the one that feels it is missing out, that doubts itself, that feels somehow outside or not included.  I practice my vision as the  unlimited creator and imagine the world as I desire it to be, sending out love waves to myself and anyone I know is suffering and lately that seems to be a lot of people. Almost everyone I know is either very challenged, tired, grumpy mixed with amazing synchronicity, opportunities and  mini miracles. What a ride.

I too have experienced amazing manifestations. One night I set the intent to find someone to help me with computer work. I then got an unusual desire to drive into town to go to a coffee shop on the weekend and hear a harp player. I normally don't go to town on the weekend as it is a long drive. There I saw someone whose face I recognized, he told me where I'd seen him before, we start talking and two days later he comes down to help me, for free,  fix the mistake on my web site so I can update again!:!services/c8k2 
 I also had the thought I'd like to have a clean car and when I meet my wasband to deliver my daughter to him for her time at his house, he spontaneously pulls out cleaning material and starts cleaning the interior of my car. My mouth was just hanging open in amazement. Another example is how I had felt  victimized by my poor internet service which goes down regularly and has cost me a lot of lost business because my Skype gets interrupted.  I felt the sense of limitation and decided ENOUGH! My wasband tried to get it fixed for months with incredible frustration and stress without resolving it which is why I had not taken it on. In addition we were led to believe it was the location of our home behind a hill that was the problem. I decided not to accept those limits and called to resolve it. After endless calls and run around including a no show after I devoted an entire afternoon to waiting for the workman to show, the next day a man arrived unscheduled and was super efficient. It turns out he did not get everything yet he gave me his phone number and has returned twice thus far to keep making adjustments. Those of you familiar with this mega corporation can imagine what a miracle this is.

So in this moment I am allowing the sadness of not going to this retreat where they will hike to waterfalls I have never visited (I love waterfalls), swim in water spots I have never seen in an area I don't know well (love finding new places for swimming) where they will stay in a cabin. I love the part of myself that feels it is missing out and accept this is what is occurring and while maybe it COULD have been different, it is not different. It is what it is. 

I am also feeling my  gratitude that the start of the school year has gone more smoothly than ever and I am recognizing and releasing the way I have felt a victim of my daughter's learning differences and how they affect her experience of school, creating tension and stress in our home. I am also releasing her from the victim role and realizing how tightly I held her to the belief that this was stressful and immutable. Lo and behold, she came home and told me she actually understood complex information about the atmosphere that I could barely decipher! ( I am trying to wean myself off of both of these (!) with little success.) Right now I experience limitation and inadequacy primarily in two areas one of which is the school experience. I notice how that emotion feels in my body, I allow it with compassion and then I love the part of myself having that experience. I can definitely feel how it is shifting my experience and little peeps of self love are sprouting up in a more visceral way than ever. (I am aware I sometimes use difficult English words, please let me know if the translator does not interpret them well. I realize non English speakers are likely not familiar with such unusual word yet I love to play with language.) I innately KNOW the value of self love and am pleased that since the end of July it is easier than ever for me to stick to my commitment to love myself, regardless of what arises  This is and always has been one of my deepest intents and I am thrilled (in a hohum sort of way ) at the latest anchoring of this energy. 

While I was writing this, I had problems again with the computer and switched around to see what was up and found this, now that is synchronicity, a conversation between Lauren at and myself:

Avatar of LaurenLauren Post author
“and maybe the hohum is just letting go of the idea that something out there will truly satisfy” …exacts.
after the release of any emotional heaviness, a newness is birthed…a new participation with life that makes all our favorite things even better…titillating even.
But even our favorite things feel lifeless and dull when we have not yet felt the pain that it is blocking our joy.
ie, nothing external can release us from bondage…its all an inside job.
Ultimately, it’s only in feeling our pain that we free ourselves from i

Avatar of dancing unitydancing unity
Girlfriend your words are manna from heaven. I was literally just writing a blog about this, saying how I have to feel it to heal it. :P The part that is the manna is I was having some doubts about there ever being an end to this rainbow. I thought if this is the famous neutrality/emptiness they speak of, what I am sure I falsely wondered was the whole Buddhist non attachment thing, I was like forget it man, no fun and not worth it. Know any seeking will just push it away further so allowing it to unfold as it does and recognizing it is the mystery that is in charge of the whole show, not my puny understanding, thank God

    1. Lauren Post author
      i am sure others have similar thoughts…so let me state on the record that:
      Neutrality is NOT indifference or dispassion…it is the exact opposite of that. It is spiritedness…aliveness…fulfilment…unceasing creative desire…it is a physical release of endorphins that takes the human senses to the next level… an undying urge to beautify, to LOVE to make all of life better and more harmonious…above all, it is pure presence…peace and contentment with what-is….a complete lack of wanting, which is the only key that will open the door to the universe.
      Neutrality is really the state of the MIND that lets the HEART lead. In order to feel the LOVE of the divine inside of us, the mind must be stilled, unattached…thought must surrender to feeling.
      ALL of this happens inside the body, inside our feeling center…where thinking has no use. The brain is a powerful tool that humans abuse in order to avoid feeling…a distraction device…but eventually we all realize that we can’t think our way Home.
      1. Avatar of dancing unitydancing unity
        yes, instinctively and from direct experience i KNOW this yet this prolonged no man’s land had me questioning again, thanks very much for clarifying and making it super clear, something my over active mind can latch on to and quiet itself with, until my incessant analytical thinking disappears

         dancing unityafter sitting with this for a few minutes feel fear arising and hoping feeling the pain will not be at the gut wrenching level it was years ago as in falling to the floor in agony; any sense if that level of feeling the pain is still required to release the remaining dross?
    1. Avatar of LaurenLauren Post author
      In my experience, once we are awake, we don’t need the ole brick in the face in order to feel our feelings. These days and in these vibrations, we are able to move thru our pain so much more subtly. Don’t fear your feelings, they are here to serve you…to deliver you back to LOVE. It’s ultimately our fear of feeling that got us here in the first place. Use this powerfully healing new moon to aid you in your intentions for a supportive passage. ♥
      1. Avatar of dancing unitydancing unity
        this is good news indeed, sending you a gorgeous love wave of appreciation, my tears are telling me i am on to something big, you are one wise mama
        transcontinental hug xoxoox

        Lauren Post author          Lauren:
        p.s. your mind will quiet down as soon as you drop into your heart and overcome your fear of feeling. The mind is overactive when our energy is focused on the head…our energy is focused on the head when we are trying to avoid our feelings.

        1. Avatar of dancing unitydancing unity
          yes, I feel how powerfully my MIND has the illusion of protecting me by blocking my feelings that in the past were sometimes so agonizing even though I am fully aware consciously that my feelings no longer send me plummeting to hell, yes to truly trust my heart and allow it to feel what it feels, this is my prayer

          dancing unity
          I am feeling the luminosity of your words which give me the power to dive in again and let the tears flow


  1. Thank you, honey balm words to me. soothing. and i have my answer :)
    Kisses, darling Savannah