Just had an "ahha" moment. I have been bemoaning the lack of connection to community as that is one of my deepest yearnings that was only truly fulfilled in college. I was teetering on self blame, wondering why I am not integrated more fully into any of the wonderful communities in this area when it appears so many others are, feeling sad and uncomfortable. Yet realizing it is only more panacea I am dreaming up perhaps hoping to bypass the true answer, my own complete love. During July i lost my connection to EVERYTHING and literally nothing had any meaning or significance to me. I gave a shit about ascension, self realization, even my relationship with my daughter. Yet what emerged from that rubble is that now as soon as I feel sad, fear, doubt I almost always remember to love the part of myself experiencing that. This morning another piece of the puzzle dropped in. I realized my relationship with my daughter shifted in a major way last month. She has been the only aspect of my life external to my own experience that survived the intense flattening and generally was still bringing me joy. Here's the kicker. Before it was the certainty of her love for me that gave me the courage and strength to slog through deepest moments of despair and doubts about my own lovability. What is giving me joy with her now after the reset is not receiving love FROM her but rather GIVING love to her. It feels so delicious to find more ways to extend love to her, to be there, to hug and kiss her. She is 14 and I refuse to buy all those stories about impossible teenagers and so far so good. I always appreciated extending love of course but the difference is now that aspect is the most fulfilling rather then the validation of BEING loved, it is the opportunity to offer love. Sounds so simple like Love 101 yet so significant to me. To be able to know my love for her without it blocking full awareness of my love first and foremost for myself, to not have to lose the relationship to get the message, wow, that is a miracle.
It Happens All the Time in Heaven
It happens all the time in heaven,
And some day
It will begin to happen
Again on earth,
That men and women who are married,
And men and men who are lovers,
And women and women who give each other Light,
Often will get down on their knees
And while so tenderly
Holding their lover’s hand,
With tears in their eyes,
Will sincerely ask, saying,
“My dear,
How can I be more loving to you;
How can I be more kind?”
- Hafiz
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