I keep reading that these kick ass energies are serving us but for me the jury was still out until last week. I know I have probably written that before but this time I am really hoping my faith and trust stick because what occurred involved another major paradigm shift and an extraordinary experience of liberation and peace. It iinvolvest judgment and freedom.
A situation unfolded that created a rage that threaten to blow off the top of my head followed by a cold fury. I’d love to share the details but for the privacy of others, must withhold the details which probably wouldn’t really make sense to you anyway- why it evoked such wrath in me. Suffice it to say it did. So the judgment felt like a runaway train hurling through me, like an unstoppable force. I felt like I was being shoved and the pressure within me felt like I’d burst like a thin skinned balloon. It was BAD. Yet two days earlier at my Way of MAstery class I had realized a deep Truth, that to judge myself, to see an error within was to throw me out of love, out of the “kingdom”, out of my most heart felt desire, but always!! The pressure in my body was enough to ring a wake up bell and I stopped in my tracks. I was literally in the midst of facilitating a group so I had to function at the same time. I had so many awarenesses on so many level but through my turmoil came a message, loud and clear. I got it! If I judged this person, this situation, no matter how outrageous it seemed, no matter how unfair, I would lose the Truth, lose the remembrance of my own Identity. And I no longer can afford to do that because when I make that choice, I ALWAYS end up in a lot of pain. Especially on this day with the energy of the full moon and intense solar flares, to add any more pressure and pain felt like it would send me right over the edge. So I made a different choice. With every ounce of courage, of grace, of will, of desire, I made the decision to let go of judgment, to let go of believing I understood why the person was doing what they were doing., I decided to see them as INNOCENT. Now I know that in order to do so, I had to join with the Mystery, with a force greater than my little ego. It wasn't something I could force or control. This probably sounds like mumbo jumbo and it is, until one has the direct experience. All my words are written with the desire to point you to your own direct experience. Perhaps you can take some of it on faith yet it still will not really sink in until your personal experience tells you it is valid.
So, back to this situation. We ended up talking in the group about what was occurring. Some people had judgment, some wanted to chastise the person, some were curious, some were concerned and compassionate. I opened a dialogue to wonder and explore our individual reactions. Yet to stay out of judgment, out of believing I knew what this meant, that I knew the person’s motivations, that I knew what SHOULD be happening, how the person SHOULD behave- wow, it felt like my eyeballs were rolling in my head to be willing to see this differently, to see this as a neutral event. I felt shaken to my core. I swear it felt like my cellular structure was transforming in the moment. It was NOT comfortable to say the least. I managed to stay out of blame for hours yet later had an adverse reaction, seemingly out of nowhere, to blow off the accumulated steam. My hope is by describing my response, it may make it easier for you to make a different choice when you are faced with an experience you feel you must judge. To be honest, despite having investigated judgment both professionally and personally for almost two decades, I never really understood the cost, how it limits my freedom, my sense of spaciousness, my ability to love. Yet I get it now and am like a bulldog on a pork chop, hanging on for dear life to this understanding.
Two days later I was chewing on something someone had said to me, about how I can sometimes hold others responsible for how I feel. I was exploring the relative truth of that statement. Here are some things I wrote, without editing, to explore these topics.
I knew something big was brewing inside- I feel like I just released a ton of goo. To be honest, the last days I was feeling very done with ascension.. I was ready to quit if I was given a choice- not really, but it felt like that on a fairly deep level even though I know I will never quit. Anyway, I was feeling tired of the physical and emotional strain. I woke up at 7 am very stirred up. Then I reviewed my lesson from A Course in Miracles about freedom and knowing Who we are to be released from prison. I fell into a deep and profound sleep. My daughter woke me up at 11:30 to take her to the stables- she too had just woken up. I feel like we were Sleeping Beauty waking up from enchantment. What I woke up KNOWING beyond the level of thought was that all events are neutral. I saw clearly that when I could not control my environment to minimize anxiety, I judge and, hold your hats- become my father- the person I judge most in the world for his constant rage and the terror he evoked in me. My gut is clenching as I write this, tears- how can I not forgive my father when I do the same thing when I feel out of control, feel extremely anxious. I do not act it out as my father did, yet inside I feel ice cold and judgmental. I usually do not say a word yet I am sure my energy speaks volume’s. I have blamed others for stressing me out when I am already anxious, for not cooperating, for not being grateful. I knew I became my father under stress, controlling and commanding, yet I did not see all clearly. I did not see how I blamed others for acting like my DAD when REALLY I blamed them for pushing me into a space where my old wounds had ME acting like my Dad- not sure if this is clear writing but it is clear to me. So I got that all event are neutral- pure Course and Mastery the language I speak until I place an evaluation on them and that evaluation ALWAYS kicks me out of the kingdom of Love and joy. And I get how harmful and hurtful judgment feels when it is directed to me so I know my judgment hurts others whether I speak it out or not.. I SEE absolutely clearly that it is MY JUDGMENT that is the only thing that can keep me out of the “kingdom of heaven.” As the Course say, I have been doing it to myself all along and I hold the key to the prison door. The implications are staggering and I am still reeling, for the Truth shall set you free, and it has.
Within days I had another lovely teaching moment- doing taxes when all tax records were scattered hither and yon after the chaos of the last years, possibly to never be recovered. Add in a few more ingredients and again, this would have sent me to the moon even a few weeks ago. The person supposedly assisting me in doing the taxes was not in a good space, very anxious and edgy which use to trigger irritation and judgment because it often pushed me into my own anxiety. I have come to realize that the source of most of my judgment is any person or situation that triggers anxiety in me- my arch nemesis and greatest teacher. Yet in this situation, when I felt panic arise in me and threaten to sweep me away, I chose to breath deeply, to refuse to judge, to place peace and allowance above the goal of getting the taxes done. So instead we had something to eat and drink until a smidgeon of tranquility could be restored. The feelings of love and acceptance emanating from that situation are still reverberating today.
So the teachings I follow are accurate- they in fact are helping me dissolve all the obstacles to love within. The feelings of freedom after these judgments dissipate are not describable with words. For me the unraveling is continuing fairly rapidly. After a few months break, it seems I have the opportunity to either buy a problem or not four or five times a week. A seemingly major upset arises without apparent resolution. If I resist, curse, judge, complain, the problem expands. If I affirm a positive outcome, feel as though resolution is only a matter of time, remain cheerful and open, not only does the problem get resolved, it usually does so joyfully. I have had so many people willing and seemingly happily supporting me in finding resolution. For months it was always women who were helping me. Lately it has been men- helping me resolve my propane problem, some car challenges, tax issues, challenges around the house etc. It feels like the world is at my command, awaiting my open sesame. I remember hearing myself say a year ago that I did not feel supported. I then made a conscious choice to speak and feel differently about being supported and man oh man, has that turned around. These wacky energies still kick my butt although my mentor Jan assured me last night that it is kindly forces hurrying through the “unraveling” of releasing ego as quickly as possible. She swears it is a good thing but for now I will have to take that on faith. I seldom know whether I am coming or going, yet I know one thing for sure. My most heartfelt desire is to embody love, to be love, to live love. And I know for sure all of this is moving me in that direction so I will say YES!
Hours later and all my credit cards and identification disappeared in a bizarre way. I am again finished with unraveling, ascension whatever. Again I feel despair. I feel bipolar, up then down. Yet I see it as my gift to share the truth of what I experience- so this is what is so in this moment. Again, despite what I just wrote, I want to quit the whole game.
Next day: O.K., definitely feeling bi-polar again but it seems to be the name of the game. All of the eight people in my group today were having the same volatility. From clarity and joy to despair and anguish in 30 seconds flat- just seems to be what is up. Now I feel more or less normal and wonder why I was so freaked out yesterday. Here is a very encouraging blog that explains some of what is going on.
Hang in there, my dears, this too shall pass...
