I am diving into my exploration of the personal lie or core negative belief. Something is dragging me down and I don’t like it- in a single word it is overwhelm- I am easily overwhelmed. It used to be what I called anxiety but now the more exact word is overwhelm. I have trouble making plans because the plans might overwhelm me when the time comes or I might be in a bad energy that day. Now I know I am not alone in this- a lot of people I know have this. But I am ready to say bye bye.
So what is underneath of it? I thought I’d reached the bottom but more muck is down there. I have worked with not being good enough for seemingly eons but another layer is raising it’s ugly head for exploration. The main area in which I consider myself not good enough is as a parent. Now mind you I don’t know any parents I consider good enough so I have set myself up to fail. For me us fragile, flawed humans are just not up to the job of raising those little balls of unconditional love called infants. Real cute- I get it or should I say it gets me. I have my hand around my own throat and won’t let the pressure off. So I get caught in a viscous circle- the judgment overwhelms me and then of course my parenting goes out the window and I just want to hide under the covers and only stick my head out for a cappuccino or to lay in my hammock. When you are overwhelmed- no need to be productive. O.K, there are some perks. But it’s getting real old. Now let’s throw more on the bonfire. What I witnessed myself do recently was extra adorable and made me wake up a smidgeon more. I experienced intense feelings of abandonment. I first tried to resolve it at the level of form so I got my blowtorch out and started incinerating anybody I could point my finger at. Now turns out this is one of my favorite blame games called “I feel abandoned, you should treat me differently.” Unfortunately I can’t get anyone to play with me anymore and it is definitely a two person game. So I’m stuck and had to look at the four fingers pointing back at me instead of my osculating pointer finger. Opps. So what did I discover? I discovered the person who has abandoned me all my life when the sh*t hits the fan- moi. (I hope that’s French for me) If you don’t love me, I won’t love myself. Or more accurately, I have drawn this situation to me because there is still a way in which I don’t love myself but rather depend on others to prove to myself that I am lovable-
ouch! OUCH OUCH! OUCH!
And why don’t I love myself- because I’m not good enough- the circle is complete. So what’s a girl to do because basking in chocolate while lamenting “Whoa is me!” is getting old. So I pulled the Osho Tarot cards today- commercial plug for those cards- I love them. I got Let Go, Receptivity and New Vision. I also heard two UTUbe’s from Abraham, two from Byron Katie and the New Year UTube I had recommended:
Cutting Edge Consciousness:
Hopefully these links will jump you there.
Hopefully these links will jump you there.
With all that input something popped into my little noggin- I am way off track with my analysis and logical brain. Yes, I know that is not where the answer lies. I know it lies in my heart. Yes I get my head is lying to me. It keeps telling me to be better, better, more good gooder GOODER ad nausea-um. O.k. This concept is so new I can barely grasp it yet here is what I got a glimmer of. To reach unconditional love, to reach our own Divinity does NOT align with my Catholic training of no longer sinning, making no errors- Au contra-ire (My French attempt again- I have been taking myself WAYYYYYYY too seriously.) The answer lies with accepting and allowing and surrendering to the whole bloody mess! Now does that sound like a revelation to you- for my twisted mind it sure does- what? Relax, allow, do nothing as Way of Mastery instructs- what- you gotta be kidding me. “Feel good” as Abraham is known to say. SO easy! Man, have I been barking up the wrong tree. So I am attempting a 180 degree reversal and see if I can genuinely surrender the whole shebang. Please don’t ask me what surrender is ‘cause for me that is one of the most difficult concepts to convey. The one thing I can say is you know it when you feel it because true surrender is always met with incredible grace followed by ease and peace. A toast for the new year to surrender!!
P.S. Anybody got any clues for me, feel free to chime in!
Welcome new friend from Austria. I thought you were my best friend checking in but she swears it’s not her. I am sooooo curious about all of you. Hugs