taking dominion

Taking dominion

Wow, I hear Jupiter stationed direct and released a wave of healing energy and it sure feels good. I feel such spaciousness and a quiet joy. I was in Sacramento yesterday and Jan commented on my lightness of being while Jennifer said I was disappearing. She was referring to my weight yet what is actually disappearing is my ego. Now I understand what they mean with feeling so spacious. Most things pass through me now; the density that use to trap energy in me has dissipated enough so it now flows through more effortlessly and efficiently. 

About a decade ago I heard something on TV  that stopped me in my tracks. It was either Wayne Dwyer of Joseph Campbell and he said that only we can free ourselves, only we can do the work in consciousness to obtain liberation. In my graduate school my beloved teacher Mary always talked about taking dominion of one’s own consciousness yet looking back I realize I didn’t really know what that meant. When I heard that again on TV, my world tilted and has never been the same. Many times in my life I have given my power away, wishing someone else would take responsibility for my life, moving into the victim virus, attempting to cajole or corral someone else to make decisions for me. In that moment, I got it; that would never really work. I could have a 1000 gurus lined up in front and in back of me and that would not set me free. I had to dig in, do the work, slog through the mud until the waters ran clear. Despite whatever inspired teachers I might have, they could not and would not do it for me. On that day I heard that message, I was clinically depressed and had been for about two weeks. I had never before or since experienced that level of depression which is why the TV in the hotel was on at all. I had allowed my daughter at age 3 to watch about six hours of television, a previously unheard of event. I literally laid on the bed and could barely move. So let’s just say that I didn’t exactly jump for joy when I heard the news that now I would have to ultimately heal myself or not live the life of my dreams. Mind you, this was after being licensed as a therapist, doing many trainings, enough that I thought I should have already “arrived” by then. No such luck. Now I know it is a journey rather than a destination and I am finally having much more fun on the road.

I had something similar occur with money. I had experts telling me to do this or that and I followed without question, sometimes like a lemming into the sea. I tried asking a few questions after a few years of having some inherited money to manage. The ones managing the money were my deceased parents’ bankers. They were all older, white men and I kowtowed to their authority. I allowed them to diminish me and divert my questions. I allowed myself to feel stupid when they would explain things that were way over my head. Flash to now where I have healed this one almost completely. If my money manager says something I don’t understand, I tell him to talk in plain English and I don’t let it go until I understand, even if it takes a few tries. I feel very empowered and confident. I make both good and not so lucrative decisions and I stand by them regardless of outcome. I have a delightful, playful relationships with my manager Tim I have taken dominion here.

I am fairly complete with my consciousness too. These last weeks were less than delightful yet except for a few hours, I allowed it, I stayed out of story, I kept the faith. I know I am not “done”, yet I feel empowered and  responsible here. Yesterday in Mastery class, someone was deeply embedded in unraveling and was in very obvious pain. Years ago I would have jumped in with her, months ago I would have grieved her pain. Yesterday I immediately surrounded her in a field of love. I KNEW she would get through it. Part of me celebrated knowing she is well on her way and that the outcome is so worth the journey. I could witness her pain with something approaching gratitude as I knew her current tears were liberating her. I knew she was buried in fear and doubt yet I saw the illusion and held a field to support her in elevating her viewpoint until she could see the truth for herself. What a different experience! I use to think it was almost cruel or lacked compassions when teachers would seem so neutral when they witnessed another’s suffering. Now I get it.

About two weeks ago, I became hyper aware of the one area I was not taking full dominion of, my physical health. Yes, I have a health coach, yes I have made huge strides and am more healthy than ever. Yet I would still choose the pleasure of food over my own health. My infected toe broke me of much of that pattern. A paradigm shift has occurred and I have moved out of victim mode and it feels wonderful. It is such an important topic I want to devote an entire blog to it. To be continued...

tools for awakening and you do not have to be good

I was just siting down on my deck to write this when a flock of geese passed overhead calling to me stridently. Because of something that occurred yesterday, I planned to focus this blog on tools of awakening. Yet the way the geese circled overhead three times, honking to me with beauty yet urgency told me I must include Mary Oliver's poem too. The first time I read it, I burst into tears and I used it for several years to break me of my previous need, no doubt spawned from my Catholic upbringing, to be good, to color in the lines, to follow the rules and to be squeaky clean. I now laugh at such limitation and wonder that they once so confined me. I feel almost the opposite and revel in my more wild, passionate, untamed side. I know this poem became so popiular that some began to consider it almost trite yet that takes nothing away from my experience. I include the poem here in case any of you are also plagued as I once was by the need to be "good":

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes, 

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, 

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting  

over and over announcing your place 

in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver 

published by Atlantic Monthly Press

© Mary Oliver

Witnessing another's pain yesterday made me very aware of how easy it is to be swept away by our own personal lies, by the voice of doubt and self hatred, by inner demons. From what I am reading and witnessing, the energies are supporting us both in breaking free by shining more light on us yet conversely, this brings the shadow more into the fore and it is increasingly urgent that we know how to mitigate these shadows. I want to review and consolidate my favorite tools for transversing this challenging terrain.

Primarily, we must allow. This can be quite a task when everything inside wants to run from these uncomfortable energies. To merely sit and witness them takes practice. Please do not use any of these tools to beat yourself up when you don't use them at all or don't use them "correctly” (this is an easy error to buy into; merely do your best and know it is enough.) To me one of the most practical ways to be stronger in witness mode is to study meditation and/or meditate as a group. It is so much easier that way. I had never meditated at all until an afternoon workshop in Katmandu (I still think it is the coolest thing in the world that I was even in Katmandu, doesn't it sound delicious?) and then two 10 day silent retreats on Koh Phangan (I might have spelled that wrong) in Thailand. The silent retreats were torturous and amazing and deeply ground me in the meditation practice. As I wrote before, I could easily mediate 20 minutes while in Asia and yet found 5 minutes difficult when I returned to the States after many years abroad. Start with one minute or whatever works for you and build up. Why meditate? Without the ability to witness ourselves as an observer, we are lost in the story of our lives. When we can witness our own lives, we are at choice and can begin to transform our previous conditioning.

The other three tools from Way of Mastery are intention, desire and surrender. Intention and desire are probably the easiest for many people. Get clear what you want and keep your focus there. Intend the live of your dreams. The work of Abraham and the Hicks is excellent to strengthen these skills.

Surrender is one of the trickiest for me. I first surrender with my will and mind yet often it is false surrender with conflicting intentions. Like the emptiness that is slowly dissipating within me. I did my best to surrender and allow it yet I did it holding my nose with large parts of me saying, no freaking way!! I wanted to run and hide and sometimes I could only surrender a minuscule part of myself to the emptiness. It reached a crescendo yesterday and then I turned it over with genuine surrender. Miraculous results then flowed. My mouth fell open when I saw what unfolded the minute I sincerely surrendered. How to know if the surrender is real? For me, there is a feeling of release, of energy flowing, of clarity and often tears of joy as I experience the freedom that comes with true surrender. When I am partially surrender, my body has tension, pockets of resistance with a concurrent body pressure and discomfort. For example, I was in a very good space and someone in the house just did something that created a charge in this moment. I feel my body tense as though given a blow. I feel myself intend and desire to surrender yet the lack of flow tells me I am not there. I accept that without judgment and just observe the whole process. I feel strong resistance as I was finally feeling better and I able to observe how quickly I went into judging this person's behavior and feeling hurt by it. Now the good news is I am not judging myself for judging him! Progress!

The easiest tool right now is time in nature. I am sitting on my deck as I write this with frozen fingers. I hear the wind chimes, the cawing birds and the soothing sound of the wind. This is such a vital and easy way to stay ground and restore inner balance. Use it!

The care and feeding of the physical body is another important tool. I plan to write more on that later.

An offshoot of intention and desire is focusing on what you want. Our thoughts create an energy field and if one focuses on what they don’t want, the corresponding energy field begins to pull that in, through law of attraction (again see Ester Hicks and Law of Attraction.) When you notice yourself focusing on what you don’t want (ex stop smoking which keeps focus on smoking as opposed to having healthy, clean lungs or focusing on unpaid bills rather than on abundance) shift your focus to what you do want. Feel the energy of fulfilled desire as a great way to actually fulfill that desire.

The last key tool for me, at least for now, is shifting beliefs. If you keep believing in the same old limitations and scarcity, negative self images or excuses to hate yourself, you will keep pulling in evidence to support those beliefs. For me, Byron Katie is the quickest way to shift those beliefs. Observe them when you see patterns in your behavior and then question them. Is it true that I am .... (insert negative thought)  NO, IT IS NOT TRUE. You are gorgeous, amazing, a gift to the planet!!! Anything that doesn’t line up with that is just not true.

Last but not least (o.k., I forgot to say this and had to come back and add it, opps )  REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE, REMEMBER YOU ARE LOVE, REMEMBER YOUR TRUE IDENTITY, KNOW IT AND EMBRACE IT. hope that is enough said on that topic.

(Update: the charge that flowed through my body a while ago is completely gone and forgotten until I reread this to correct any errors. Further update: later this person came up to me thanking me profusely for basically nothing, It was then clear to me that what I had experienced as rejection was really thoughtlessness, unconsciousness that is just such a part of the human experience. Why take it personally? I always use to want to correct other's unconsciousness yet now when I realize how gracious it feels when people overlook or forgive my unconsciousness, I prefer to let it go whenever I can.)

Alright my loves, got it? Those are your marching orders. Do your best to enjoy the whole sweet, messy, challenging, delicious, frustrating, overwhelming, liberating process.

choosing the leap of faith- updated

UPDATE:

I have changed the title of this post as I initially referred to another's crisis of faith. I realize I am NOT having a crisis of faith. I have been mildly discouraged and definitely not in my preferred embodied bliss yet I am super aware that what is coming forwarded are aspects of my personality still in need of healing. These are parts of myself that were either flying under my radar or I had falsely presumed were completely healed. My experiences for about a month forced me to witness what a big, yet previously unconscious, role irritation has played in my life. My big left toe has been infected for over two month and the symbolic meaning has to do with irritation. Once I placed my focus there, I saw how often I was irritated and how powerfully that irritation irritated my body, the big toe just being one example. My continuing challenge with a service company that began in May served as the perfect foil for this lesson. They broke their word repeatedly and failed to resolve the problem or show up as scheduled over many months. When I witnessed how irritated I was, how my body would heat up, I finally got the lesson. I saw how even low grade irritation limits me and keeps me in the prison of judgment. As soon as I got it, they literally showed up the next morning and fixed the problem. Previously whenever they did actually show up, I would greet them with irritation about how long it was taking. They would invariably either not have the part they needed, forget to do something or cancel at the last minute. This time I greeted the employee with laugher, seeing the joke was on me. I saw clearly how they had served me by bring this limitation to my conscious awareness. I smiled, knowing all was well and not surprisingly, he was able to complete the job. Now I just need the city to sign off on the inspection and this chapter will be complete.

The next lesson I had thought healed is emotionally flat lining. I had chosen this route in my late 20's to mitigate the unending anguish I felt being so emotionally volitile. I actually succeeded in becoming emotionally dead and felt almost nothing for about a decade. It took years of awareness to reverse that debilitating trajectory. To have it resurface now was not fun. I am very grateful that I am going through this primarily as the witness with little reactivity. I felt myself go into story and upset with a possible crisis of faith erupting yet I was able to pull back and stay centered enough to allow this to unfold and heal. I have been down the story/upset road enough times to know it never ends well. Luckily yesterday tiny buds of pleasure and feelings are emerging. To have no feelings, to be indifferent to the love around me has been one of my worst nightmares. To be able to hold fast in witness/ allowance as this has occurred has been a true test of faith. Luckily , I have been up to the task with a few moments of rejection bleeding through. I do have faith this will lead me to greater love. Yes, I am not enjoying the process. Yes, I wish it were over. Yes, I will allow this releasing to do its magic until I again taste freedom, joy, home and my essence, love.



The last week or so has not been particularly enjoyable. I am feeling flat lined. All things that gave me such joy and pleasure now seemingly don't touch me. Nothing really moves me or brings in joy. The ground beneath me continues to dissolve. My The Course in Miracles, Way of Mastery don't really come alive, nor do my closest relationships or other foundational aspects of my previous life. My sense is a major clearing is underway and I have been surprisingly neutral about it, just observing it for the most part. I have moments when I want to stamp my foot and say "ENOUGH!" but I know that gets me nowhere, just digs me in further so for the most part I can let the triggers pass by. Reading another's crisis of faith made me more certain these are whatever energies are afoot so I share here in case you are feeling something similar. I share another's crisis even though his particular focus does not really speak to me, whether or not we are being supported by non earth entities. I know that I have guides and teachers in non physical form and that is enough for me, I don't speculate further. But it feels right to share the link here. I send you love and support as we clear the next waves on our journey home to ourselves.

http://wesannac.com/2013/01/24/reposted-channeled-interview-with-the-pleiadians-crisis-of-faith/

and this wonderful comment from Think with your Heart really speaks the truth, as far as my experience tells me:

Hi Yonatan…I totally understand how you feel – it’s a constant battle to stay positive (I know, believe me)- I highly recommend Dana Mrkich new post on FB to perhaps lift your spirits (it did mine) here’s an extract…..’On a personal level our new gratitude intentions suddenly have us confronting a barrage of unexpected bills and a head full of fearful, lack-oriented thoughts. Our commitment to deeper acceptance brings up a wealth of anger and resentment that has been simmering under the surface for years. Our decision to look for meaningful work is met by the offer of a promotion at our current job and our resolution to open up to our soulmate often invites phone calls from ex’s. Our desire for more creativity and passion triggers a bout of self-doubt and depression.
This ‘dust’ that has been raised is often misinterpreted by people as ‘My intentions aren’t working! Everything is as bad as ever if not worse!’ Meanwhile our energy must feel very frustrated, because here it is thinking it is helping us in the greatest way possible and we are feeling like it is sabotaging us or ignoring us!
Our energy helps us by shining a spotlight into every nook and cranny of our being in direct response to our new intentions. It highlights and magnifies every belief, every thought pattern, every past experience, every cellular memory and every personality aspect that is connected to our new intention including the ways in which those parts of us are working against our new intention. This spotlight is showing us: Look, this is what you believe, this is how you think, this is the part of you that has been creating that old reality, and here is the part of you that needs to awaken if you want to create a different, new reality. Our energy holds up mirrors in front of us: Look, this is how you see yourself, this is how you feel about yourself, this is what you believe you are worth, this is what you’ve been attracting and here is why.
This process happens to us individually, and it is happening right now very intensely on a collective level. As a society we are being called to a higher level of intentions regarding how we want our world to look and feel.’ ….There’s lots more if any of this resonates. Just thought I’d share it as the going has been so tough recently, (personally esp since 21/12!) With love, frances x

Today's oracle report speaks to the challenge and an antidote- being in nature and connecting to Gaia

http://oraclereport.com/  January 25

and

http://aquariusparadigm.com/2013/01/26/jesus-you-will-likely-be-experiencing-unsettling-mood-swings/ 

love grows, messages of hope

This brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I am reading increased incidents of violent outburst. At the same time, I am reading so many touching acts of generosity and kindness. Which will we choose to focus on? I am even touch by the story of Lance Armstrong. My sense is that he is deeply confused, that he was given the subtle or overt message to win at any cost and now is genuinely perplexed that his actions have generated such antipathy. May we all be gentle with ourselves and each other as the ground beneath continues to shift and dissolve.

http://gma.yahoo.com/homecoming-surprise-tennessee-teen-200343676--abc-news-topstories.html

another sweet one:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/trending-now/dolphin-caught-fishing-line-approaches-divers-help-204937084.html

I read another story about a waiter who refused service to patrons who were complaining that a special needs child was in the restaurant with them. The waiter and the restaurant received hundreds of grateful calls praising his actions. I no longer have the link yet this story too tells me the tide has turned. Years, maybe even months ago, he might have been fired.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/waiter-refused-customer-becomes-hero-144638357--

I also read how politicians now can cry in public. In the 70's a politician's presidential run was destroyed by public tears. Thank God, now politicians get to be human.

http://news.yahoo.com/hillary-clintons-tearful-moment-benghazi-help-hurt-185100132.html

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/louisiana-police-officer-makes-mentally-disabled-teens-dream-230347077--abc-news-topstories.html 

following the line of energy

Dorothy, we are definitely not in Kansas anymore (wizard of Oz reference.) My energy field feels very different yet very good. Life is so much easier for me. I see triggers and somehow feel myself about to step on the bomb and am able to pull back and make another choice. As a silly example, my dear friend Karin wanted to get a photo I had taken and use it as her business card.  I had not yet downloaded my photos and was concerned about letting her use the memory card without having about five months of photos on my computer yet. I had been unable to download them for one reason and another. The day we were to do it, I felt an anxious drop in my stomach and I watched the story of lost photos and irritation begin to churn in my head. As I felt my body tighten, I made a conscious choice to change that story line, see everything going smooth, feel grateful I could help my friend and let go of my previous over attachment to my photos. I once had an absolute shit fit when on safari in Kenya because I missed a photo of some cheetahs playing. I was so freaked our driver stayed in the park after hours so I would calm down. Happily, it ended well as because of that we happened upon two ostriches doing a mating dance. That event was so visually stunning I remember it clearly to this day. O.K. back to my example. So this was a big deal for me. Yet it turned out exactly as rehearsed and all is well.

I am aware something is brewing in me about my relationship to my mother. It has to do with over giving and a false persona I first recognized last year. I don't really know clearly what it is about, yet since it rose to the surface again, I notice I know longer have the impulse to write here daily as I did for a number of months. The phrase that is coming to me is "I hear and I obey." I feel the energy within me and how it directs me to stay authentic. I listen and do as my inner energy directs. I have to separate myself from the past, from how I would have done things before and instead follow what is present moment to moment. So example, I am wanting to teach a conscious parenting class yet am not yet clear on how to proceed. The energy has not given me the go ahead so I wait, more or less patiently. 
I have the feeling that whatever is waiting to be uncovered within me, it will shift me dramatically once it becomes conscious and is released. I trust my inner being to surface it in Divine right timing. I am not digging for it or trying to analyze. I know my mother has been the untouchable holy grail for much of my life. My sister pinned a lot of her issues on my mom, yet I have done very little releasing around her, even though I know certain aspects of her personality were less than stellar examples of how to lead a fulfilling life. My loyalty to my mother for loving me deeply in her own fashion has been so profound that I have almost refused to look into this area of unconsciousness. It is time to know that releasing this charge that is holding me back is the best form of loyalty I can possibly show. To do anything less, is to dishonor the memory of my beloved mother Ann.

baby steps

I am going through an interesting shift and not feeling the urge to write. I am aware I am letting go of a part of me that I saw as essential to my identity and am only slowly recognizing how it has limited me. I am allowing time for this transformation to unfold.

I will copy a comment I made for a wonderful project listed below as some indication of where I am presently:

Thank you for clarifying your intent and the best way to support this wonderful project. Here are a few of the things I have noticed with Matangi’s assistance. First, my life long addiction to sugar significantly subsided and I have been able to eat in much great harmony with my body’s true needs. At the same time “ordinary” food has never tasted so delicious! I am aware of subtle flavors and my food which I use to consider boring now taste divine. I notice so much more peace and tranquility. I am able to stay out of ego drama ever more effortlessly. I can often watch a loved one make outrageous statements without reacting or needing to be right. As though I am a martial artist, I can merely step aside and let the energy pass. I notice my face is changing shape and that the corners of my mouth that used to always turn down, as both my parents’ did, are often in a half smile and remained more turned up. I feel more spacious and have been able to slow way down. I recognize how when I move fast, I lose presence so now I frequently can slow down enough to stay in the moment.
Family harmony is greatly increased. My animals (bunny and cat) are much more affectionate and want to be held more.
Everything appears in sharper focus and the light seems brighter to me. Everything seems so vivid. Little details delight me like the pores of my cat’s nose sparkling in the sunlight. I find it so delicious to be outside and soak in the warmth of the sun on my legs. The sounds of the birds can bring me to tears of joy.
Perhaps most of all the feelings of struggle and overwhelm that have plagued me all my life are dissipating. I feel increasingly at Home in myself. A few years ago I recognized how alien I felt on this planet and how I wanted Scotty to beam me up. Now I am happy to be here, to be me, to be alive. I am finally learning how to enjoy being embodied where as previously I avoided landing in myself. The feeling of homecoming moves me to tears.

These are a few of the things I am noticing and am so enchanted you are doing this. Some of the shifts have been ongoing in the last months yet they have been considerably heightened lately. Some, like the sugar and increased sense of taste and staying out of ego drama ever more effortlessly are particular to when Matangi began supporting us.
The oracle report helped ground me through the difficult times, letting me know I was not crazy or alone but right on target. What 
a pleasure to be able to give back!!

http://www.mahavidyaproject.com/

I came across this sweet post which I pass on:

http://aquariusparadigm.com/2013/01/19/meline-lafont-lady-portia-the-new-world-has-taken-its-first-babysteps-into-humankinds-hearts/

a key investment is the physical body

I have been noticing how self care has become more critical. I am witnessing in myself and other's that there is little wiggle room for self destructive behavior. It appears to me that the consequence of such behavior is increasingly costly. A number of people have spoken of similar challenges when they do not choose to do what is in harmony with their bodies best interest. I have an infection yet ate a lot of sugar over the holidays and continue to pay the price. I committed a week ago to cool it and am feeling very capable as previously it was so difficult for me to cut out some of my bad eating habits. I do not want to instill fear; I do want to point out something I am experiencing as increasingly essential. Check inside for your own truth. Here is today's morning blessing with the same message:

On the road to transformation, your best investment is your physical body. I 

know

many are operating within conservative budgets right now so I want to campaign 

for

some pampering on behalf of your biological field of intelligence which is 

working

overtime right now. Chiropractic adjustments, Rolfing sessions, massage and deep

 tissue work can be quite beneficial for strengthening your cellular and 

skeletal

components, balancing your emotions and stabilizing your electro-magnetic energy

 field especially during the first few weeks of change over. Be more mindful of 

your posture and how you use your body. Develop the habit of communicating with 

your body - slow down and express gratitude, breathe deeply to recharge your 

body

• and your investment will yield great rewards.

www.angelaperegoff.com