memo to self- jump into the void with trust and faith

I am considering committing to a massive undertaking. I feel inadequate and unprepared, not up to the task. This feeling is quite familiar, one I have faced every time i have committed to a larger project/task  dream. When we adopted out daughter, i felt incapable of really pulling it off both logistically and as a parent. Basically I felt scared shitless and actually had to put it all on pause as i FACED MAJOR FEARS. My computer decided to emphasize that with capitals. So here i am again. Can I do this task? What is at stake? Am i risking too much? When i decided to travel around the world with a man i had know for just a few months, i was terrified and one night broke down in the middle of a quiet suburban street in Santa Monica. I saw a woman get out of her car and close the door. The normalcy of that act pierced my heart and I collapsed sobbing into a heap. My boyfriend lead me to a tree and told me to hang on. I did so, hugging that massive, rooted tree with all my strength. I managed to board the plane fortified with a box of Truesser's chocolates and colorful underwear (hey, it all counts). I did it despite numerous moments of panic and massive fear. i did it. I was absolutely right. I had lived a very "normal" life before that and I have never returned to anything like the status quo. It has been uncertain, insecure, unpredictable and totally worth it.
I sense I am at another turning point. I have devoted a bit over two decades to healing wounds, restoring wholeness, constantly seeking an embodied knowing of love. I sense that the seeking part of my life will soon be behind me. So what next?
Am I adequately prepared to follow my vision? Sure doesn't feel like it. I am desiring to make the commitment tonight. I have asked for signs and received many although none of them were as crystal clear as other signs that have guided crucial choices. So, since I am still quaking in my boots, i pulled three Osho cards for direction. They are ripeness, consciousness and completion. The signs are quite clear and I have not gotten one negative one. Right after I asked for a sign, a former student emailed me to tell me how the class I had offered was continuing to change her life. Given the decision i need to make, i am going to take that as my sign and say 

YES

At least that is what i hope I am going to do. WIsh me luck!

only love

Just like every spectrum of color is necessary for a rainbow to appear, each emotion is included in the totality as expressions of love. While some feel more comfortable than others, each one is essential in helping you blossom into your highest potential. Being mad, sad, hurt, fearful, lonely, or frustrated doesn’t mean you’ve strayed away from love in any way. It is an opportunity to recognize each feeling like a child waiting to be recognized and embraced – no matter what it thinks or however it feels.

With love as your guide, uncomfortable feelings can be welcomed into your heart and adored for their true innocence and beauty. This can occur without projecting blame onto those who invite your next moment of healing to the forefront of your experiences. Even if blame is projected in response to the circumstances you cannot control, it is a chance to stop and recognize the one who blames as the next in line to be loved as they have never been loved before.

One “I love you” at a time, each aspect receives the acceptance and resolve to complete their journey and returns to the source of origin by dissolving out of your field. Equally so, each “I love you” sent to yourself inspires waves of healing energy to fill every heart. This allows all to be transformed at the rate in which you become your own source of fulfillment. Whatever arises, love that. This is the heart of awakening. www.truedivinenature.com

Despair to discomfort- CALMING THE NERVOUS SYSTEM/ Amma

Beloveds,
I had the amazing fortune to see Amma yesterday. The whole experience was the best ever for me. I generally go once a year for the last five to six years. I have come away enraged, in tears, in joy. This year was very different. I did not have the sense of such a huge differential between her loving Presence and myself. The whole trip was wonderful from beginning to end. We had a blast with my friend and gracious host Miles. We had such interesting conversations which included our waiter and a discussion of his past, present and future. Karin and i had engaging and enlivening conversations frequently. The weather was ideal, the views from Miles's house of the bay and fog delightful. We met such an interesting man at lunch who regaled us with tales of Ram Das, Glastonbury, his neighbor Wayne Dyer and so on. We were late for our darshan time and as we we crept toward the stage for our hug from the hugging saint I was aware of how different this was from previous years. In previous years my nervous system was always over amped by almost everything. I was alway tense and usually very nervous even though I had been releasing anxiety for years. The drive, the restaurant, crowds, waiting in line, even seeing Amma was all overwhelming. This time it was remarkable how calm i was. I really SAW Amma for the first time. I saw a beatific orange robed man standing behind her. My hug was extra long and I was literally having trouble breathing from the intense grip Amma had on me. My friend was watching and said it looked bone crunching. When it was over i looked up at her and stared for a timeless moment into the depths of her eyes, bottomless wells of stillness and Love. She grabbed me again as her hot breath caressed my ears with endearments. Again I looked directly at her falling into those loving eyes. I will not even try to describe my inner experience except with one word, stillness.  I send a huge love wave to Amma for the love she extends to millions and millions.
I slept like a baby last night and never wanted to wake up I felt such peace, a peace that is deepening in my life. Yes, I feel discomfort already creeping back yet I can not remember the last time i felt despair. Now this is huge. Yes, I do not like discomfort and I feel a lot of impatience (finally a non 'd' word.) But clearly the progression is significant. My worst moments now never reach the level of absolute panic and terror they used to reach. I had no idea the journey would be so grueling and long. Yet the sweetness of the peace, the deep love, the tranquility, the intimacy that surpasses anything I have ever been able to t sustain yes, it is worth the price. 
I feel limited when i think what is involved in bring my vision to the world. I feel unprepared and sometimes quite inadequate. I love those scared parts of me as best as I know how. I remember all the other portals I have crossed through while being convinced beforehand that they were impossible. The harmony I feel with my daughter most of the time was in many ways the most challenging and rewarding gateway as i had to tame my ego. I know someone close to me who is so overwhelmed by his nervous system's response to a certain situation. When I try to comfort him, he tells me he can't help it, it is just how his body responds. I know when I realized that to come to total peace, i must retrain my nervous system not to react, I felt it was just not possible. It absolute is possible and I have done it in so many areas. Now it is a game i like (on a good day) to play called tame the reaction. Yesterday I was in line to buy chai at the Amma center. There were two people ahead of me and two cash registers with a person behind both. Nothing was happening so I moved past the people to the further cash register, thinking the first man was helping the other people. I did not ask and the woman I past told me very harshly she was first. I apologized and noticed my body hardly reacted; I thought YEA! score for me but sadly, no. I explained what i thought was happening, that she was already being helped. She said that that was impossible as I could surely see the man was not standing close enough to the register to be helping her. I was stunned. Here we are at Amma and this woman was spewing venom at me after I had so sweetly apologized for my mistake. Now my nervous system was roaring, screaming for justice or, if not, revenge would be equally rewarding. I wanted to justify my position in no uncertain terms. How dare she try to tell me what I had perceived! Outrage. I opened my mouth and said about three words countering her when the Witness stepped in and shut my mouth. Oops, score for the Universe. Nice one. Caught in the act. My soul keeps arranging more intricate lessons yet less harmful, painful and with fewer consequences. I no longer need a baseball bat to the head before I get it. I do see it that way. My oversoul, the Universe, my soul plan whatever you want to call it keeps bring me lessons to learn until i can face things without reacting. Yea, pain in the butt I know yet how else can we be free? Non reaction is non reaction. I loved that I caught it and while internally I was seething, externally I just shut my mouth and observed my own reactivity. Let her live her life. Plus for sure she had to be in a bad place internaLLY TO BE SO REACTIVE. I WAS ACTUALLY ABLE TO MOVE TO A SMIDGEON OF COMPASSION. Ok my computer decided that is worth capitalizing. So I am going to call it two points for me, one for my very creative hologram arranging little opportunities to reset my nervous system. 
So do i like discomfort?

HELL NO

(That was me with the capitals this time) But I'll take it any day of the week over despair.
Interestingly twice today there was a question of who was next in line. Each time it was resolved with such graciousness and kind spirits. Once the other person went ahead, once I did. Maybe some progress has been made.
So the word plaguing me today is adequate. I was feeling extremely inadequate for the task I have given myself. I allowed myself to cry then love the heaven out of my feelings of inadequacy. Let's see what unfolds.

walking the way

My friend Lu from Brazil is walking the El Camino in Spain. Sending a huge love wave of support and encouragement.

still in 3d with doubt replacing disappointment

Darlings,

still experiencing rather heavy weather. i hear mama bird chirping to her babies and hoping i too will be reborn past my current doubt. our shadow sides are being pushed to the forefront. Will you join me in loving the disowned parts of ourselves? I must admit it feels effort-full and useless even though intellectually i know otherwise. I am offering love to the part of me that doubts, that feels this two unfulfilled aspects of my life will never shift, the fears for security. having met so many of my own precious intentions, you'd think i could muster up more faith. not really so much today and that is ok. i am doing my best to love the whole bloody mess. i wish the same for you.
i am blessed to visit a friend in San Francisco area and then see Amma tomorrow. Perhaps things will shift. I saw such a depressing movie yesterday i actually watched another movie to shift the energy and that was rather depressing too. So time to embrace depression, doubt and discouragement. this too shall pass.

a bit later. the good news that i must acknowledge despite my funk is that i am able to resist the urge to blame myself, try to fix myself, judge myself, major progress indeed. and a significant part of me can recognize that this is a major growth spurt and that there will be some goodies on the other side. i must admit i am ready for them to show up in the material world. i must also admit that the inner gifts i have already received truly are the most priceless. gotta be fair here even though i don't feel like it. bah humbug.

3d follow up

since i personally find it sucky to stay in such a bad mood, i was able to shift out of 3D and here is what helped. I had one more person cancel our plans without telling us. I was able to laugh having witnessed how uncomfortable disappointment is. Since I had 3 social plans, all 3 of which were canceled at the last minute or after midnight when I did not see the cancelation, I got the message the universe was trying to tell me something. i had a lovely time friday night but was still funky saturday until i had the brilliant idea to visit a local lake as someone told me they had swum there. I had never realized that was possible and immersing myself in those chilly waters immediately shifted my blues. Then "by chance  i came across a Matt Kahn video i had heard before and yet missed some things. What he described was exactly what was happening, a staged scene to help me recognize where i was limiting myself, giving my power to others. He specifically spoke of disappointment and mentioned how we can reclaim our power from our expectations of others. now i've been at that one longer than i care to remember but i had to realize i'd been caught in the act of rejecting myself at the perceived thoughtlessness of others. huh?! i saw everything he said was accurate and I felt myself pull back my power. i was also able to stay neutral and uncharged in the face of another's anger and someone else's agitation and freak out, both situations that used to fire my nervous system with reactivity. I love thinking of it as a game, ego scored points with my reactivity to disappointment, i scored with my neutrality to anger and agitation. Especially to be neutral in the face of major anger, yea, double points! in both cases, when i stayed neutral and loving, the persons involved shifted, up leveling rather then me matching their challenged emotions. Matt also mentioned that and I am loving the freedom in being able to meet others with care without concern. I really get how concern drags energy down and I also recognize how often i want the other to shift so it is easier for me to stay balanced. way simpler (but not easier)  to just stay balanced no matter chaos i encounter. so love that my inner power is increasing. trust me when i tell you it comes hand in hand with increases in self love and love reflected from at least one person around me in the most magnificent way. no that doesn't mean that it is all peaches and cream, sometimes i am so done with this whole process that i want to start screaming and never stop. i am still giving my power to lots of things including cappuccinos sometimes, easy to leave alone when it is all stars and joy, not so easy when the shit hits the fan. then i want to Quit with a capital Q (and i am noticeably NOT interested in capital letters right now). Yet the sweetness of the love i experience, yes, primarily still outside myself yet increasingly within is so tender, so aligned with my deepest dream i must go on. And if i am going to play this f@#king game, might as well enjoy it.

babies born

The babies have hatched. We just heard them chirping from their perch above my outdoor chair, just a few feet away. I am honored mama chose to be create her home so close to my primary outdooor resting place. Life in all its wonder and beauty.