I had a very powerful experience the other day. I have an eye condition that has been troublesome for a number of years. I found out that day that the condition had been misdiagnosed. If it had been correctly diagnosed, there was treatment that depends on catching the condition early. The chances of it being successful now are greatly reduced. I came home and was crying in frustration and fear. My daughter put her arms around me and place my head on her shoulder, kissed me and spoke very reassuringly to me. I was aware in the moment that she was mothering me in a way I had never been mothered and have worked very hard to try to bring that level of love to her. I experienced pure love entering my body in such a pristine and complete way as I have rarely experienced in my life. It was the day after temple so my sense is that the transformation from the day before literally blew out some circuits, making more space for love to reveal itself. The sensation was absolutely indescribable except to say within minutes all upset and concern had left my body. That is the power of love.
It is so easy to jump from there to a certain conclusion- that my daughter, age 10, gave me love that I didn’t have. I believe this is where we form the mistaken belief that the source of love is outside ourselves. Now I would say that she awakened the love that was temporarily dormant inside me.
Just recently I wrote that I had the belief I wasn’t loved. What nonsense! That is ridiculous. It is clear that a number of people love me deeply. The truth is that the belief I need to release is about the source and the location, if you will, of love. I have always believed the source is outside of me which is what makes it terrifying to consider that nectar of life being removed from me. It makes me powerless and a victim because anyone at any time could yank my chain. If life hadn’t forced me to look at this, I would have sailed merrily along collecting love from others and ensuring as best I can that they never pull their love. This leads me to inauthenticity and powerlessness. Damn, another solution down the drain. I’m being forced on my knees to go further. As of a few hours ago, I am glad. Before that I was internally cursing and screaming, “Enough already.” I would have gratefully stopped short of a complete resolution.
Since I have declared myself as ready to clear ALL obstacles to Love, apparently it is part of my soul plan to not let me rest short of recognizing mySelf as the source of Love in my life. Where’s the treasure?- like all the myths, fairytales and fables tell us- within.
I am the only one who can recognize that truth and the only one who can block it too.
Now I have read this forever yet it is not until I investigated and discovered this within my direct experience that it has begun to drop more. It has taken a huge amount of suffering for me to genuinely shift off the “special relationship” plan, where I make my special one the source of love in my life, as explained in Course in Miracles. I gave lip service to it yet it is only in the last week where my suffering reached maximum velocity that I truly was willing to give it up. So much of what I have read for years is dropping in, below the level of thought.
It’s all too new to really translate into words yet. And the truth is while I know where it is, I usually don’t feel it without the activating influence of another, yet I am now back to bulldog on pork chop mode, following the scent of Love back to the source. A deep feeling of peace pervades me as I begin to excavate my trust and faith that this is not random cruel idiocy guiding me, that there really Is something beyond my petty little ego that I can access continuously. I am being forced to explore my lack of faith, my inability to trust complete in the Universe, Source, the Divine, call it what you will. At least now I am truly willing.
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