Whoa! The energy is up for me and running probably my second deepest charge and source of suffering in my life. I have sought my whole life to heal this one- the belief that I am not loved, that I need someone outside of me to give me love or I don’t have it. I have spent most of my life trying to secure what the Course in Miracles calls a special relationship, where you make another your Source. This is my greatest oppotunity. I have healed so many huge challenges over the years yet this one alludes me, still drops me into the pit. My other huge source of suffering was fear. I had life long anxiety and despite years of therapy, workshops, training etc. it remained. Life forced me to take it on some years ago and I lived in terror for months. It took me some years of concentrated effort but I finally healed it and now I am seldom anxious- what a relief!!!! Little charges, like the one I had with homework I can clear in a day or week. But this one- a life time and it still has me by the throat.
So this is what I have come to. Despite teaching and preaching this stuff for years, I still have never fully done this- embrace what is, even when what is is tremendous sorrow or suffering. I can dive into the little stuff but with the huge, I am going to die, charges I still sometimes run for cover. I have know for about a year that I have to embrace the knife, truly surrender to the isness of the excruciating pain of believing another is the source of love in my life. Believe me, I’d never let it go if the pain wasn’t getting too great to hold on to. The Universe has kindly decided to kick my ass until I let go. So I’m screaming “I get it, I get it.” but apparently not enough. The whole world supports the belief that another is where love is at. Since I have been watching this pattern, I have witnessed how often it is portrayed in movies, books, conversation. No wonder I fell for it. No more.
Now I’ll admit that there is still a big part of me that hopes by giving it up, I’ll get it. And I won’t lie, what I desire more than anything is what the Course in Miracles calls holy relationship. I can not imagine leaving life without being in relationship where I give my love fully and receive it back in equal measure, where I adore and cherish another fully and am cherished and adored. I have come closest in my relationship with my daughter who has been one of my greatest love teachers. Her ability to extend love, to forgive, to stay present continues to astound me. Her unconditional love as an infant and toddler was probably the most healing experience of my life. That is why for years my plan was to have a child every five years to always stay in that energy of bliss. It was a huge bummer for me that I didn’t have the energy and had to find another way. In my other relationships I am making great progress but the gap between what I know and how I always behave or perceive continues to create anguish.
Last year I had the opportunity to directly experience in my body the pain of judgment, both to judge or to be judged. That pain was finally able to allow me to release judgment entirely. I still have judgment come forward yet it is now below the level of thought. I am the judgment exterminator if it rises to the level of awareness because I have the physical experience of how painful they are.
Now my big obstacle to love is seeing it as not residing in me. That pain is continually present in my body lately. So they got me- I surrender. I had the blessing of allowing that charge fully in my body last night, supported by two gorgeous and generous temple sisters. They each gave up their turn so that I could complete the release. I allowed myself to dive deeply into the physical experience of that profound grief, of believing I am separate from Love. I sobbed, burned, hyperventilated, cried, shook, froze, laughed, wept. They cuddled and whispered sweet nothings in my ears. They were angels that allowed me to dive to the depths. I experienced extreme dizziness, always a sign for me of a cellular level shift. I felt huge energy bursts running down my left leg for about twenty minutes. I felt a band of constriction across my back at the heart level that felt like a mild crucifixion, the image that kept coming to me. I allowed and surrendered, embracing the pain fully. Afterwards I was exhausted yet at peace.
My challenge now is to release my attachment to thinking I know what is best, to free myself from thinking that there is anyone one or anything that can keep me from Love. I see how that belief can terrorize me, make me mistrust, doubt there is any Divine force we can turn to. I see how many of us have the same gaping wound. I still can chicken out, duck and hide, yet sometimes I can embrace it fully, dive off the cliff and trust I will be held.
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