how to live- this one gave me pause

As maturity blossoms in your heart, you outgrow the thought of enlightenment being the point to recognizing enlightenment as a starting point in your spiritual journey. From this space, enlightenment is realized to be the ever-present reality that dwells in form in order to fulfill its true spiritual mission of learning how to live. Prior to this recognition, the inability to know how to live is overlooked through the pursuit of enlightenment.www.truedivinenature.com

hoho a good laugh

busted

Well, caught in my own web. After writing about my spiritual ego, I was lead to the awareness that trying to get rid of, fix, terminate my spiritual ego is, you guessed it, more spiritual ego. I realize I swallowed something that helped me break free and then turned it into another do-it-yourself fix it program. When will I ever get it: THERE IS NOTHING TO FIX! I  AM whole, perfect and complete. Man oh man, busted!!!!

spiritual identity and ego

I have let this one sit on the shelf to marinate as it is so important yet so slippery at times I can barely catch what I am revealing to myself. When a beloved teacher (and I do not use that terms lightly as I have now transformed all most all of my former teachers into mentors at most, taking them off the pedestal of superiority I use to project on to them) shared with me that I was potentially going to pull in a situation to kick my beloved tushy out of lock down on my spiritual ego I felt myself contract big time. I literally developed a rash within a day. The contraction was 

H U G E.

As he pointed out to me how my rather large spiritual ego had imprisoned me into the very thing I most desire to release, separation, I felt my head literally begin to spin. Initially the feeling was as though my brain was being rewired, reconnected, reconstituted. When I mention this, he said it was. Now I do cellular memory release work which involves shifting the brain's neural nets yet I had never before felt it happening IN THE MOMENT. Friends, I was in no man's land, lost with no handholds as I felt the very foundation of my life shift and crumble. I SAW what I had unable to see before, how this spiritual identity chained me into certain behaviors, certain prescribed roles of what a "spiritual" person does. I had already been aware of how it creates a sense of superiority, that was the only side of this bad boy I had been basically aware of. I saw how every conversation, every interaction had to be about spirituality in order to be "meaningful."  I had had the chance to own it a few years before when someone called me guru girl and believe me, she did not mean it as a compliment. Yet I was so blind, I thought it was funny and I laughed at myself. I actually thought it was cute. I almost entirely missed the shadow side of it.

Yet as I sat on my deck having my phone session, luckily on a warm, lovely day, I felt the ground beneath me liquify and finally I could SEE. I will never be able to fully articulate it with words. I felt how, as he said, this spiritual identity had created a sense of isolation as people would have to agree or disagree with my spiritual ideas. If people were not interested in spirituality I cut them off, for the most part. I have someone close to me who is extremely focused on just one thing. He sees it as the only way he can enjoy life, love, live. I always feel a very deep sadness as I see how much joy he misses because he can only allow one thing to give him this joy. Projection again, sigh. ☹ I was doing the same thing only I could not see it. If it wasn't spiritual, it was off my radar screen. I was missing so much of the richness of life.  Somehow I am able to partially drop it when I am in Europe with my outlaws (former in laws). There I drink some wine, coffee, eat sweets, take gorgeous excursions and trips and just enjoy the moment. I saw it as a vacation from my "real" life. I am so much more relaxed there generally. No wonder.  

You have no idea what a release and shift this is for me. I had used my commitment to clearing the obstacle to love, which is part of my deepest devotion, to create a proscribed path with certain boundaries and "rules" and then shut out anything I did not see fitting within those parameters. Holy cow. I had yoked myself to a warden who constantly corralled me with her rules ✔ and regulations ✄ about spirituality. Not fun. ☁ Where's the joy in that? ☟

So this teacher proscribed an antidote for this spiritual ego. It includes less time on the computer, never beginning a spiritual conversation, (luckily I am allowed to "speak" spirituality if someone asks me. ☺) and a few other tasks. I immediately saw how I have had this identify as the teacher, the one with wisdom, the one who knows what is going on. Yes, it is my passion and true self yet is mixed with a toxic shades of inflation, superority and separation. Very subtle mind you as one of my greatest gifts is my ability to share my vulnerability and shadow with ease. Not coming in with what I "know" or an answer when someone has a challenge is helping me break down the rescuer identity I have derived so much self worth from. I do find it very difficult not to respond when I see someone suffering. I sense that most of it is my true compassionate nature yet in order to eliminate the rescuer I am choosing to keep my mouth shut and only send heartfelt love waves to whoever is in pain. Several times in relationship where that has been my role, I could not stop myself from sharing what I know about the energies of these times. Yet I was very aware I was doing it and it is slowly getting easier. Luckily a few people have asked me what is going on and then I am allowed to have at it. ☝ So all in all this has been a crack in my previous reality and I am still riding the waves of trasnformation. I am beyond delighted that I was gifted with the abundance that allowed me to connect to this teacher. Day by day I am recognizing the abundance that has always been there supporting me.

Ultimately what I am now beginning to grok for the first time is that the answer to all my questions is formless awareness. Those words were meaningless to me until this teacher helped me have a direct experience that took me Home. Luckily our time together jumped me to a different timeline where I get to bust the chops of that formerly imprisoning identity without a major kick in the butt (thank you God.) I am totally willing, ready and able to be the prototype for getting these lessons in Love the easy, graceful way, oh yea.

Last night I was at my temple group. Somehow this shift away from a prescribed identity made it so much easier just to drop into loving expression in our little groups. I noticed that when it came time to say goodbye, I somehow jumped back into an isolated "identity" that felt separate. I had compassion for myself.  At the end of our practice, we were each given new temple names. I love my old one so will keep it too, luscious earthy love wave. My new one fits the me emerging from the rubble of my former identity, formless emptiness flying in laughter. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

creativity and my essential practices

There has been one important step that I have been only sporadically honoring, creativity. Yet I am increasingly aware of how vital it is to a well balanced life. I see how when I am creative, my energy flows better, I feel more alive, peaceful, calm and complete. I see the same with my friends. One is so juicy with her creative flow. Another just recommitted to her creative project and the shift in her energy was immediate and palabable. I heard Matt Kahn (truedivinenature.com) say recently that we need to first commit to a regular creative practice as it will restore us to wholeness in many ways. After we are creative, when the dust settles, what remains is what spirituality is meant to restore to wholeness. So I am adding it to my list of essential practices. For me they are:
expressing and receiving love
spending time in nature
stretching, moving my body regularly
eating alive, revitalizing food and staying hydrated
creativity
meditating, silence, prayer, envisioning


Now if you feel like I use to, even one of these may feel overwhelming. I have had to baby step my way into them. Some are super easy and like breathing to me, so natural. Some require my commitment and attention. Yet I see there are big dividends for keeping my practices alive and a big kick in the pant when I deviate. I read yesterday how the adamantine particles are so freely flowing in nature which perhaps explains my nature addiction. I also heard how this ascension process is so grueling to our bodies, if we do not take time to stretch and move, it can easily result in a lot of aches and pains, sleeplessness etc. Experiment and see what brings you alive. You are so worth it.

musings of a first wave ascension player marking the trail Home

Beloveds,
This ascension play is such a mystery and adventure. I have become very aware I am in the first wave of the ascension. This blog has been about my experiences and awarenesses as i have come to understand and own that role I am playing. As I explained in my last blog, various opportunities are arising powerfully within me to be returned to wholeness. These require another deep dive into my own interior. I leave you with these writing as possible guide posts on your journey. Each of us have very unique paths for our return Home. I am witnessing how I had inadvertently trapped myself into a spiritual ego/ identity that locks me into separation. Another blog is brewing on that topic. I wanted to clearly state the intent of this blog. My intent has alway been to clear the obstacles to love and to share how that feels, looks, is for one person, ie me. I am aware that when others honestly and vulnerably share their experience it lightens the load for me, decreases feelings of isolation or shame and increase feelings of connection and belonging. This is my intent here. I began tracking my journey here three years ago. So it is a chronological review of the obstacles and awarenesses that unfolded for me. May these words rise up to meet you and perhaps carry you a few step Home. 

wholing emptiness and loneliness

My energy has been very inward for some time again. A week ago I had a session with someone that has changed my trajectory. Several things came to my awareness that were quite disorienting and unsettling. The first that I will write about separately was how powerfully I had been dominated by a spiritual ego that had me locked into a particular identification, boxing me in. The second was about my relationship to loneliness and emptiness. Loneliness I saw as a result of my having fairly minimal social contact. While this has been my choice, I still saw it as a problem that could be resolved with more social interaction. What the person giving the session pointed out was that if I seek social contact from a place of loneliness, I will only exasperate the feeling of loneliness. I see that is true. Yesterday the isolated feeling arose even as I was interacting with a loved one. I saw her leaving in a few hours and felt lonely. It was increasingly clear to me that the answer to that isolated feeling is not more social contact. It is another inside job. 

This morning I opened my Way of Mastery hoping it might help me fall back to sleep. In it Jeshua was talking about how he loved to observe the mystery of life and then witness how he too was a vast mystery, an unknowable miracle. I see that ultimately this is the only way to whole myself  from loneliness. To see, to feel, to know my own vastness. Which brings me to the other quality that has been bring itself to my awareness, emptiness. 

Emptiness has been the source of so much pain. It is the feeling that drives me to sugar, to overeating, overconsumption, to want to escape. Both of these feelings are now in my awareness to be returned to wholeness. In the session he guided me to a completly different experience of emptiness. While I can never encapsulate it into words, the best word I know is Home. I dove into the emptiness and arrived Home. Instead of an enemy to escape, the emptiness turned out to be a doorway to vastness, to spaciousness, to eternity. I had never understood the teachings about formless awareness. It sound unpleasant and nothing I would desire. Yet the direct experience proved otherwise and I can now know why it is the ultimate. I can grok how emptiness is the answer to loneliness. Paradox indeed. I can feel how form limits and boxes me in to preconceived answers to limitless questions. I doubt I can really articulate what arose in me yet perhaps this is a taste of what I came to know.

Tears sprang to my eyes as I found myself returned to the place I had never left, Home. The experience only lasted briefly and then I could feel myself attempting to find markers to flag the way home. I wanted to grasp the experience as it slipped through my mind. Of course, that was not possible yet the taste of the vast emptiness without form or boundaries was perhaps enough to help me return more gracefully.

He also pointed out something I knew, that I use the computer to form a sense of connection and belonging to antidote the loneliness. I knew that of course and was very happy to have found such meaningful relationships. At one time they were essential to my return to the living. He instructed me to drastically cut my computer time. Among other things, he said the frequency the computer emits negated the work in consciousness I am doing. I am not fully aware of how true this might be so I am experimenting with his suggestion to see how it shifts my frequency and my relationship to loneliness and to my spiritual ego. I see how this blog and my responses on TWYH have sometimes lead me to feeling a sense of an inflated ego, of me being the “spiritually advanced” one. This does not serve me or anyone and actually adds to a sense of separation.

Initially I had witnessed how I was devoting less time to this blog because I found myself not enjoying writing in a vacuum. I had always hope to create a forum for people to share ideas, dreams, awareness, challenges yet that never developed. I found myself not motivated to write without an exchange. I am considering adding a donation button partially for that reason. Yet for now I see even with a dialogue here, it is time for me to dive more deeply into myself until I can love this emptiness and loneliness back to wholeness. I have used this process to whole my previous life long anxiety, overwhelm and feeling like I did not belong on this planet, that I was an alien here. As I did with those challenges, I have a doll to help me anchor my altered relationship to these qualities. I am loving myself whenever those feelings arise, saying slow “I love you’s, I love me’s” to my heart. I am hugging my loneliness doll baby and assuring myself of my continued love, regardless of what feelings arise.

 I have a few more blogs burning through yet I wanted to share with you, my dear blog family, why, for now, I will not being visiting with you so frequently. I am diving into my own vastness to discover a taste of the mystery living there, to love myself Home. I will be holding each of you in my heart, knowing our Oneness, knowing the majesty and unfathomable magnificence of each of us.

P.s. I will be checking in regularly, if you have a question or comment I would be happy to respond as I feel inspired.

hours after writing this, I found this from Matt Kahn:

Realization is a willingness to taste the emptiness of your true nature.

 Enlightenment is when that taster dissolves.www.truedivinenature.com