day of birth

Someone at my birthday party offered to take my seemingly dead plant and revive it. I was sure it was a goner and was delighted to give her the responsibility. She forgot to take it with, so I went to retrieve it to give to her later and I saw a few green leaves and decided to try to save it myself. Already it is flourishing after I pulled the old dead blossoms off. It feels symbolic of this day.
I was born on this day. Ten years ago I fulfilled a life dream and was in Venice Italy celebrating. I have managed to fulfill a number of life dreams with one or two big ones eluding me. I tend to think they will never happen and they seem to be going no where fast. I wonder why I think like that when so many long held dreams have come to fruition. Just saying...
So here is my big realization as of yesterday. I spent the first half of my life chasing pleasure of all sorts.  My anxiety was so crippling, I saw pleasure as the antidote. To some of my friends, my nickname was the dancin' hanson. I chased pleasure wherever I could find it, travel, food, wine, relationships, clothes, jewelry, dancing, beauty. I enjoyed it yet it soon became clear it left me with a gaping emptiness. So the second half of my life so far, I swung in the opposite direction and focused on the spiritual side of being a spiritual being having a human experience. Spirituality became everything to me over the years, a balm for a life with continued anxiety, fear, great sensitivity, feeling like I didn't belong. Now I must say this had better results and has lead to much greater peace and serenity. Yet just yesterday I saw how I'd thrown the baby out with the bath water. Meaning, I really discounted the human side of the equation, putting pleasure in the unspiritual and thus somehow suspect category. Reading Jennifer Posada's post the other day woke me up to my lost art of pleasure. Sure over the years I've done a ton for enjoyment yet I was subtly judging it as unworthy at the same time, keeping my eyes glued to the sky waiting for divine stardust to lift me to the clouds. ENOUGH of that, what a waste of the human experience. Yesterday I delighted in the steam arising from my hot tea, the red cardinal (or whatever bird it is) perched in my planter (and there again now literally as I type), the sound of the wind, the light at sunset painting my yard in magnetic color. All so simple, all so pleasurable, all things I had discounted for too long.
The other radical shift is the gratitude and non attachment I feel this birthday. For too long I straightjacketed friends and relatives with my incessant need to have them prove their love for me by indulging me on my birthday. I see ever more clearly how I pressured and even guilt tripped people years ago to manipulate them into meeting my bottomless need for external love. It was never enough, never quite right but I was sure if so and so would just do this one thing, the certainty I was loved would flood me. This year I have received some phone calls, Skype, emails, Facebook wishes, gifts, cards and my overwhelming feeling is gratitude and appreciation. With one exception when I was again caught in the web of my neediness, I am so appreciative of what I am being given rather than focused on what I have not been given. What a bloody relief. It has never been clearer to me how expectations create suffering and allowing creates joy and gratitude  Darlings, I have no clue if what I mean is obvious in my words. All I can say is thank the heavens for this inner freedom. I still get caught in the web of my desires yet for the most part I can allow them without the NEED for their fulfillment. I delight when they are and smile when they are not fulfilled. The taste of freedom turns out to be the greatest gift of all.

OUR HOUSE, MAGICAL CHILDREN, MYSTERIOUS LIFE

Five years ago today, May 6, 2009, I saw the house I now own for the first time. We had been looking at houses for years yet only recently had I gotten the strong inner urge to actually buy. Our finances made this rather questionable but the urge was strong. Almost six months before this day, my eight year old daughter drew a picture of a house as a present for me, knowing my desire to have our own home. Then again for an early mother's day present she drew another house and framed it for me. It was less than two weeks before we saw our new home for the first time. I had forgotten the drawing done six months earlier yet saw it today. Both drawings are remarkably similar. She did not have access to the first drawing when she did the second one. Both drawings are spookily similar to this home we now own and live in. They both had two stories, wrap around balcony/deck, drive in front, upstairs windows as they are in fact, trees on either side and hills behind it. I continue to be amazed by it. 

Then on May 7, 2009, my birthday, I finished reading the book The Money Game. I was laying in my hammock reading it and literally shook as I felt all the power I had given to money flood back into me. That experience gave me the confidence to urge my husband to agree we could pull off the feat of owning our own home again. So far so good, although not always by a wide margin. Interestingly enough, I am again teaching an abundance class (I was teaching one when we first saw the house) and was doing an exercise from The Money Game  last night, realizing I still give money way too much power in my life. But that is another story.

Back to the house, we did buy it. It was the answer to my husband's dreams although in the last months before we bought it, he said he no longer needed so much land or to be so remote. Ironically one month after we bought it, our marriage began to visibly crumble. Yet having what for me is sacred and peaceful land imbued with such stillness and silence has been the gift that gave me the strength to survive the journey of my long term relationship ending. I am in awe of how the Universe had my back all along, providing me with everything I needed each step of the way. I urged us to buy the house to honor his dream, unwittingly giving myself a gift I had no clue I would be in need of.

At my birthday party, people were asking me the story of adopting our daughter from Guatemala. That too was one miraculous event after the other. Recalling the mystery and magic of life is giving me such a satisfying, sustaining feeling. This day has been one of great solitude and has been for the most part very peaceful, serene and gentle. My feelings can fluctuate still sometimes wildly yet generally only for a few minutes, hours at the most, usually. Two owls are calling to us in this moment. Can you hear them?

web site, fyi

Here's another thing I've had to make peace with the fact my web site has a major snafu so for now I will be posting here on the blog rather than on the web site.

huh? birthday healing and figuring out which way is up

i haven't written much lately as it is not easy for me to string two sentences together. 2014 is proving to be a very different year energetically, I believe for many of us. I had finally got used to the previous energies of contraction with resulting pain and discomfort followed by release and expansion but that is no longer a pattern for me. Now it seems it is a swirling chaos of unmapped territory with no roadsigns or markers to lead the way. I can not get my finger on any particular pattern or way of navigating these uncharted waters. It is much more physical for me now. For example I might suddenly fall asleep or into a daze from one minute to the next. Yet I am experiencing more neutrality and peace then ever.

My birthday is tomorrow and this has long been a hot spot for me as, along with Christmas, it was a very charged time loaded with expectations and hurt feelings coming from childhood conditioning where I came to view these two events as the only time I recognized I was loved. My mother made the events festive and I was given many presents. Here is what  took away from that. Presents/gifts = love. Crazy I know yet that is what got linked for me. It has taken me about 20 years to unravel this source of pain. I am doing quite well this year with one notable exception where I again slipped into expectations and hurt feelings. 
Here is what is new. I felt myself contract and saw I was at a choice point. I could buy the old story and wail and gnash my teeth or I could just let it go. Yup, it took some concentration and commitment yet I was able to just let it go. We had a little party a few days ago and the love radiating throughout that evening left me glowing with gratitude.
Here's what else is new.  I am finally desiring to be productive and I generally have the energy to sustain it. The grand cross took me to my knees physically and left me frightened briefly for my own survival yet other than that, in general, I have more energy then I have had in a decade. The other pressing thing is I am so done with isolation and solitude. Yes, I need it regularly yet for ever more brief periods. I am chomping at the bit to get on with my passion and to live in community with intimacy and connection. There is a definite lag between my desire and my current reality so I must allow, allow, allow or else go mad with frustration.
I am also getting much better at releasing my type A spiritual "inferior" ego that had me on a constant fixer up self improvement project. I picked and tore at myself, never satisfied with my level of consciousness  judgmental nature, unkindness, etc. In the name of love I treated myself with hateful criticism and nagging, bent on constantly being more loving. Yea, pretty ironic but it took me eons to see it. I share this with the hopes that even one person might catch the rigged game and pull out, treating them-self with loving kindness instead. Yea, pretty crazy to try to be more loving by constantly picking at oneself but there you go; that has been the game I played for decades. What a relief to give it a rest!!
Those are my postcards from the edge. I am enjoying having people from bank clerks to dance instructors to sales assistants ask me what the hell is going on. Let's me know that  now pretty much everybody recognizes we are not in Kansas anymore (Wizard of Oz reference meaning life as we have known it is becoming a thing of the past.) Hope you are managing to navigate these crazy times and feel the blessings coming from these upgrades. My most precious gifts are a general sense of peace and neutrality (yes, they are still accompanied by scattered moments of torment.) Joy and happiness still elude me yet fortunately I have learned to accept what is and stick with my story that all is well.

Reading the below helped me understand the fluid nature of these times and come to greater peace with having no clue where I am and what is up. Perhaps it will help you too. 

http://the-golden-age.blogspot.com/2014/05/time-travel-101-celia-fenn.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FhlOur+%28The+Golden+Age%29

The issue of Frequency is important, for each Timelines emits its signature frequency, and you can be pulled out of your own frequency or desired frequency if you allow yourself to be entangled in the frequency of someone whose narrative and frequency do not match your own or what you aspire to. Or, initially, you may be in frequency resonance and then the frequency may change as the Spiral develops and as more participants enter. At this point, you will have to choose whether to stay in the Time Spiral or Jump the Spiral to something else. Many people have found recently that quite suddenly they face the end of relationships or jobs because of this type of sudden loss of resonance as the Time Spirals lose connection and focus. In the past, when we were all more or less on the same frequency and Time Story, it was not so noticeable, but now as we become empowered and able to initiate and shift Time Spirals, we can immediately feel and see this phenomenon. Instead of being upset, we should possibly see this as a mark that our Time Creations skills are improving as we follow of Story and our Dream in the right direction, allowing nothing and no one to pull us from our own Time Spiral and Frequency...

...When the Light Body is activated, the center of balance moves to the Heart and the Thirteen Chakra energy system includes access to the Higher Dimensions and the Cosmic and Galactic Spirals or Time Spirals. You have access to Cosmic Creation Codes and you are initiating Time Spirals from the Center of Compassion and Love. The Energy signature of such Time Spirals will be Love and Creation and a more graceful and infinite relationship with Time Creation.

The activation of the Light Body will also enable you to shift and jump Time Spirals both individually and as a Group. This is an important skill as it enables "teams" of Light Warriors to enter Timelines and Time Spirals to raise their frequency and shift their direction to harmonize with the direction of Evolution of the Earth within the Galactic Community. Group Time Spiral jumps are authorized by the Galactic and Solar Councils in consultation with the Earth Keeper Council and the Council of Elders. We have just experienced such a Jump in the last few months, as teams of Light Warriors jumped Time Spirals in order to shift frequency.

Initially this is not easy. The Physical Body suffers a form of electromagnetic "shock" or distress, which some have termed "ascension symptoms". This is not about "clearing blocks" as such, it is about allowing your body to recalibrate to the new frequency so that you can accomplish your mission on this Time Spiral. When you enter into a different frequency, using your "Time/Frequency Recalibrator" in your Pineal Gland, your body takes quite a frequency hit, and unless you are grounded and strong you will experience physical distress. This can include dizzines, nausea, anxiety, depression, lack of sleep, ungroundedness, loss of memory and feelings of being alienated and lost. When you are aware of what you are doing, you can "land" in your new Time Frequency and get your bearings pretty quickly...

...as we become aware of the power and empowerment of our new multi-dimensional Body/Light Body Complex, we will realize more and more how we can shift reality and fine tune frequency by developing new narratives that will define our lives in new ways.

In order to do this, we have to be willing to release and let go of the old stories. This will include most of the belief systems that defined our lives before the 2012 portal and which were pushing us towards the "Timeline" ending in catastrophe and disaster. We have to be willing to release our need to define ourselves as "victims" and allowing ourselves to be manipulated by those who are adept at tuning in to the shadow energy by turning our focus to violence, fear and poverty. We may discover that some of the people we thought of as "lightworkers" may in fact be working with this frequency because they have been urged to see the world as a place of conflict over limited resources. The shift will be to embrace the idea and concept of the ability of empowered Conscious Creators to focus the Diamond Light of Galactic Power and create an alternative and higher frequency reality.

LOVE, pleasure, body, earth, YES!

And that is why the other thing you would have to imagine to get a glimpse of the world in the times of the Sexual Priestess is a world in which everyone felt love.  A world in which absolutely everyone had felt love coursing through them, felt truly loved, and knew their essence was love.  Imagine.

Because what these Priestesses shared most, sometimes with their bodies in the unique way each Priestess might choose to express this, or sometimes with their feelings, words or other expressions, was indeed pure love.  They were fearless with their love, and masters at reawakening people to love when they had forgotten it, again so thatevery human on the earth had the chance to feel loved.  Even if someone’s family or any other intimate relationships had seemed to lack true love, these women gave people a human embodiment of the love available to us at all times.  They made it bodily.  They made it earthly.  They were transmitters and love incarnate.  While they lived as instruments and musicians of this love, none who had access to them could forget the love within themselves, and everyone had the chance to heal in the all-consuming, warmly bathing, incandescent glow of that ineffable beauty.  Love wasn’t just an idea.  It truly was a verb.

Certainly we are all love incarnate.  And certainly every gender has the ability to share and transmit this love.  It is simply that at that time it was most needed through the feminine and in female expression, just as it is most needed now on the earth, once again.

We are meant to be the radiant embodiments of love that we truly are, and women and those of us on the more female side of the gender spectrum especially at this time are meant to be examples of this so powerfully again…shining on everything around us like a shower of golden petals trails behind us.  And not just to give and give in ways that may or may not serve us, but to give only in ways that light us up inside and make us overflow with joy.  It is the overflow of our joy and pleasure that is the most potent transformational force in our world.  I know it’s scary.  I know you know how life has been asking you to open to love, and everything it has brought up for you…I know about those most primal fears that were created to protect you long ago when loving from that place of power became dangerous and “shameful”.  But it is that love that opens every locked door, to every wonderland we have ever dreamed of.  It is that love that opens to the door to the realization of our heart’s greatest desires, and will do so for others around us…

http://www.jenniferposada.com/the-virgin-and-the-whore-are-one

1.  Reconnect to pleasure

I mean really feel it.  Unapoligetically.  And really seek it.  And really allow yourself to feel worthy of it, and as if it is a non-negotiable, as if it is a birthright…because it is.  It is the serum, and the bloodline.  It is the hidden door.  It is the path and the passage.  It is the wild freedom you crave.  It is saying yes to finally walking through the land of punishment and denial, the ruins of your past pains, and yes…perhaps crying…but walking onward through them anyway with the faith, sometimes almost spent to nothing, that something else is waiting for you.  It isn’t just meditation, or ecstatic visions, or something you find after twenty years of hard work overcoming your humanness while sitting in a cave and relenquishing all desires.  It is rose buds, and laughter with someone you love, and soft skin to skin, and baby lambs in the spring, and warm fires, and cookies and good books and long sighs and deep cries and full moons and breakthroughs and heartaches and new hope and sunsets and starting over and starlight.  It is the thousand moments that might capture your heart in a day if you broke open, and let pleasure back in.

I know you have to essentially go through the fires of hell to get to the place where you can allow yourself to feel the deepest pleasures sometimes, but that is only because you have been hurt, in this life and before, and you have to be able to re-visit those fears in some way to disempower them and reclaim your flaming heart.

To be clear there are just a few steps:

a.  Find the pleasure in your life (even if it just feels like a mere contentment once a day when you drink your afternoon tea…start anywhere you can.)

b.  Let yourself really feel the pleasure when it happens.  Focus on it.

c.  Repeat.  Notice other pleasurable moments.  Try to have more of them.

When they lead to through challenging lands, let them.  And let the growing healing balm of the pleasure you have been charging yourself with help carry you through.

2.  Reconnect with your body

Reconnecting with pleasure will help you do this.  Because when you feel any kind of pleasure it is registered in the body, (not just obvious pleasures like sexual experiences, but even the pleasure of reading a good book translates to the body.)  When it is a pleasure to be in your body, it is easier to love your body naturally.  If you have been in pain for a long time, think of your first movements toward pleasure as tiny sips of water after having been in the desert for a long time, or tiny sips of air after holding your breath under water so very long.  They will grow.  And if at first you have a hard time finding pleasure at all, start with relief.  Start with the things that give you even the slightest relief…like a warm bath, soaking your feet, or cuddling into soft pillows.  Laying down.  Not pushing yourself.  Crying.

Welcoming the animal of your body truly back into your life is a radical and beautiful process.  It requires the willingness to meet it slowly, like any animal that needs your love to heal, and grow strong again.

And then, or now if you already have a strong relationship with pleasure and your body, it takes the courageous step of putting your body first, as often as you possibly can.  That’s when your animal body, your Nymph-self, starts leading your life.  And that’s when the miracles truly begin.  Yes, she will take you places you never imagined, and are currently afraid to go, but she will also take you all the places you haven’t even dreamed of going yet, and want with your whole soul’s thirst.

3.  Reconnect with the earth

When you can let pleasure move through your animal body and be led by this, as the voice of the whole of your experience and beauty, you need just one more thing…to be able to be in the flow of earth energy too.  If you restrict your connection to the life force of the earth and nature, you limit the amount of support you have, and the strength of the connection you feel to all life.  To be The Sexual Priestess you are within, you will need that current running through you at all times.  It will keep you centered, and your life force will never diminish.  It is pure nourishment, and like connecting with pleasure or the body, it is not a one time event but a practice…something you return to again and again.  Something you let yourself feel.  Something you creatively seek and interact with, continuously.

Some days you might connect to this energy as one might imagine…standing barefoot on the earth or spending some time watching the ocean waves or walking in the woods.  But sometimes you might connect with this energy (as well as pleasure and your body) through dance, connecting with your animal friends, or in countless other ways.

http://www.jenniferposada.com/becoming-the-sexual-priestess

does my offering matter?

I woke up feeling like what I offer is not enough, not truly valuable, something along those line. While I also feel an immediate internal NO to that and a deep sense of offering, embody ng THE most valuable gift, waves of the opposite feeling have threatened to swamp me today. So reading Oracle Report (below) brought some relief knowing this was the energy du jour. Perhaps you too are feeling it. Know you are not alone.

The overall tendency today is to feel like no one is paying attention to us - to what we say, what we have to offer, or what we are at heart.  We can feel out of touch.  Validate yourself today instead of seeking it from others.  You will save yourself a lot of head and heart ache.  Don't underestimate yourself or limit yourself to other's beliefs about your capabilities.  In fact, twist up the energy and seek your hidden or forgotten skills, talents, and interests.

happiness

this fairly well sums up what I have come to understand:

Happiness always seems elusive when associated with the people, places, and things that you wish made you feel happier. This can lead to years of frustration spent in psycho-analysis and placing all of your faith in countless healing modalities, until true happiness starts to blossom. A sign that true happiness is blossoming is the realization that you are not unhappy due to the circumstances of your life. Therefore, changing your circumstances won't make you any happier. As this is accepted, a willingness to let go of blame and surrender any desire to keep rearranging the scenery of your life allows you to admit something rather profound. You are not unhappy as a result of any outcome. Instead, any outcome has the power to adversely affect you because you are simply unhappy.

Once you shift from “I’m unhappy because…..” to “I acknowledge how unhappy I am”, unhappiness can be recognized as a state of emotional imbalance. It is resolved by learning to relax your body through the living practice of self-love. Once unhappiness is faced directly and no longer associated with anything in your life, the willingness to slow down and love your heart returns you to a balanced state of ease that no future outcome, brand-new opportunity, or personal circumstance may ever provide you. It is at this point where you come to realize that true happiness is a living celebration of harmony expressed through the joy of conscious action that has absolutely nothing to do with whatever anyone says or does.www.truedivinenature.com

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