Wildfire and Kundalini

Since Thursday potent energies are coursing through me. I have had three significant pain-body releases one of which was huge and extremely primal. Since Friday I have had strong Kundalini/ sexual energy dancing across my body. I feel a fierce pressure in the frontal lobes of my brain and at the top of my head. I'm laughing almost uncontrollably, I'm crying with anguish. I'm topsy turvy. I say again, we are definitely not in Kansas anymore. Something is a foot and having it's way with us. At times it feels like a wildfire is burning in me that will not be quenched until it has burned away all that is false in me. The feelings made me remember one of the most powerful poems I have ever read, written by a friend- the poem made my hair stand up on end when I first read it. My friend has generously given me permission to reprint it here.

WILDFIRE 

Going into the dark to raise a fire, 

a wild fire; I’ll pour gasoline and 

ransack the forest for fuel 

hacking down trees, axe swinging wildly 

burn it all in a fire pit 

But the shape smothers my blaze 

so I kick down its walls, stoke my fire with paper bills 

and with the words that catch susceptible minds 

unleashed flames pirouette in treetops 

my fire grows free for all to see 

but there’s more to burn, more to set aflame, I’m not finished 

While I dance wildly the faceless men appear 

and as they reach for me I falter, “Maybe they know best” 

maybe I’m out of control, a madwoman, a destructive force 

and then a howl tears through me 

not like a dog, or a wolf, or a pack of wolves 

but like a prehistoric man, blood frozen through time 

thawing now after ages out at sea, roaring to life 

with the sound of a thousand hooves beating hardened tundra 

I’m wet with effort and smell like electric earth 

a bolt of lightning reaching across a dark prairie sky 

I am translucent flame licking the heels 

of the faceless men who cannot save me 

(though they’ve tried to keep me from myself) 

they spit and sizzle away until one hazy shape remains 

and I stand before him, a firestorm 

slice open my centre, watch my insides fall like icicles 

to pierce the ground beneath my feet 

that spread now like roots to the earth’s core 

I scoop out flames and pack them in the empty space 

and I burn like night-time stars, like rebirth after destruction 

They call this madness, they call this danger, they call this 

a fire burning out of control, uncontainable 

as they crawl beneath fire blankets weeping

frosty tears and bartering for their lives 

I call this strength, fire of the human spirit WILDFIRE 

                                                 

laughter, tears and sacred embodiment

Has anyone else been feeling very ungrounded? For the last few day I feel like Alice in Wonderland- I don't know up from down. Or as my wasband put it, like an acid trip gone wrong. I was doing fabulous for almost a month and then made the mistake (just kidding) of going to a healer. Even though I was doing well, I thought I'd go for a tune up, especially as he tends to book out months in advanced. Well, maybe it was that but all I know is the last few days I became unglued. I allowed one of the biggest charges of my life Saturday to wash over me- back to my core issue- if someone special doesn't love me, I'll die. Now I thought I had that bad boy licked but apparently not. I was online when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I lay in the fetal position, sobbing, thinking monsters of terror would tear me limb from limb. I soon recognized I had reverted to one year old and was without love, in a pit and at that moment, my life really did depend on someone loving me enough to take care of my survival needs. Now those needs of mine were met beautifully as a child, just not the emotional needs to feel a love I could recognize as a sensate based being. That was missing and I have been searching for it ever since, usually in all the wrong places. The only place that can really fulfill it is the last place I looked and where my search continues to land me- inside. Now I have done tons of work but this took me down. I was very fortunate to be in connection with a trusted friend online and he held the space and then actually came up with an intuitive response that gave me the key to finding my way from the bottom of the pit. Perhaps if I get the energy I will transcribe it in a blog as it was a extraordinary example of a pain-body release process and unique in that it was captured in words as he kept sending me encouragement to stay with the terror I was feeling and I kept describing my moment to moment bodily experience of this primal wound being exposed and released from my cellular memory. My fingers felt like lead as I uncurled enough to type yet the sense of not being alone in the pit was a godsend for me to emerge from that wasteland.

Now I also had a huge charge Thursday about shame. I created a space with another group of trusted friends to release that shame through revealing it to witnesses, thus releasing the negative emotional charge still stored in my body. Then another little charge about not being good enough. Just a fun filled week. By Sunday I was slap happy and giggling uproriously. My daughter and I created a family mottos, "ya, do da everything good, eskimo. penguin in house." I think it fits us perfectly and we were rolling around laughing- it came from trying to translate a Dutch phrase- turns out it was not an exact translation. 


Over the last little while I alternate between laughter and tears. It is midday and I would guess I have cried maybe 10 times today and I feel extraordinarily grounded and connected to myself. They are tears of joy, recognition, sorrow, grief, awareness, etc. They are tears of remembrance. I was at my embodidance class this morning. A song with the words "alleluia" was playing and I fell into a deep reverence for myself. I was stroking my own face as though I were the most precious infant, caressing myself with a tender touch of self adoration, giving myself the love I have been missing. It was beyond words and I felt again the delicious sense of homecoming. As I have gone through my day, I felt so present and connected. I had a meeting for my new job and because of all the emotions I have been processing, I wondered if I could regain any type of professional demeanor- it went wonderfully. I was totally present and authentic and could access my skills. 


I am sitting on my deck at this moment. The wind is gently nudging one of my chimes. The sun basks me in its warmth. I hear my bunny thumping around the corner. I have passed through a virtual hurricane of energies and am now at peae. I know it is not over, i am not done. Yet at this moment I am choosing to love myself, exactly as I am, especially my adorable "flaws."

you do NOT have to be good

Another little egoo storm showed up yesterday. I wanted to share something important with a friend yet I was afraid it might hurt him. It felt urgent for me to tell him this yet I was literally crying so hard I could barely type my message to him. I finally got it out yet I was sobbing like a baby while I did it- why? Well, I let myself weep until it passed and then asked why. I recognized that old false belief sticking it's knife into me- that I have to be good 24/7, angelic, holy, sweet, kind, artificial, false, fake. Yea, they go together. I was raised Catholic and literally feared the fire and brimstone of hell. When I was about 8 my friend's 6 year old sister did a strip tease as a joke. I decided afterwards that to watch it was a mortal sin- hell. I was too scared to confess it- another mortal sin and went to church, taking communion with a mortal sin on my soul. Since I was at a Catholic school that was mass 6 times a week, 5 in school and one on Sunday. I was too afraid to confess, thinking the priest would think I was sooo evil. This lasted over two years. I truly believed that if I died I would go straight to hell- that is the rule if you die with a mortal sin on your soul. I finally confessed it just by listing the commandment- forget which one, and saying nothing further to the priest as I was way to ashamed. Now imagine me, 10 years old, sitting outside the confession and quaking in terror and shame- nice way to imprint some negative cellular memory, creating contraction and “pain-body.” The priest asked me how many times I'd gone to mass and confession with this mortal sin on my soul- now this was a nice guy. He came to our house on Sunday mornings after church and had blueberry pancakes with us. I used to love to go to communion on the days we had those pancakes before church, sticking out my purple tongue and imagining him fainting away in horror wondering if I had the purple tongue disease. So he tried to help me out, asking me if it was five times? ten times? yea yea I mumbled. Now since it was more like a 1000 communions and 100 confessions, I was still a little short with my confession, meaning I am still walking around with about 1000 mortal sins. Now don't worry about it if you don't get the Catholic rules, I am sure you get the feeling- terror!! I will go to hell. So I tried to be extra good and pray that might make up for my evil nature. So no wonder I still have had the gotta be good thing. Plus if I wasn't good at home I was afraid my father would kill me- my biggest source of terror. Now this is the recipe of a good but false kid-  me. So I declare myself free now and forever. I am going to go out and be extra naughty and see if I survive- wish me luck.

Below is a poem that was critical in helping me release this belief when I first spotted it years ago. In fact reading it helped me wake up to this particular aspect of my self hatred-realizing I was never GOOD ENOUGH. May it help any of you self haters wake up from that lie.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes, 

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, 

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting  

over and over announcing your place 

in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver 

published by Atlantic Monthly Press

© Mary Oliver

Russia

O.K. Russia, it is so good to see you here. I am so curious where you live, what your name is, how you feel. Would you be willing to tell me anything about yourself. Russia is such a big country- I am trying to picture you. Would you be open to me? No worries if it is too scary or you just don't feel like it- know you are in my heart.

self hatred

waves of self hatred are washing over me in this moment. it is very hard for me to admit, especially here. It is important for me to own this so I declare it is so in this moment and I allow this. this is what i try to share with others, we must allow what is. this is what is in this moment so I allow it to have its way with me and I say YES! through my tears. i am afraid i will scare away new readers but so be it. Please send me light to pass through this wave. I intend to love myself through this self hatred.

new friends

Beloveds,


Welcome- it is wonderful to see so many new friends checking in today. Please feel free to comment, dialogue, disagree respectfully, sign up to follow this, as your heart desire's. Just recently I began to comment on ThinkwithyourHeart.net and I have developed such amazing connections and support. This is a dream come true, a circle of loving support as I have always envisioned and my desire is to create the same sense of belonging with this blog. I wish all of you to experience this same delicious sense of family, if you so choose. Please feel most welcomed and appreciated. Know, as I do, that we are all indeed the Beloved!


I also want to share my new friend's site. For those of you into magic, fairies and being given a mission to add sparkle to others' lives, please check out Kate's site at:
http://myeverydaymagic.com/my-everyday-magic/

forgiveness, again and "them"

I had a small yet powerful experience the other day. I wanted some lunch so went to my local co-op. Turns out I was early and they were still serving breakfast at the food bar. The only lunchy type food was soup. The one I wanted had no spoon so I borrowed the spoon from another soup and served myself. A man came out with more serving spoons and I told him what I'd done. He became unglued and yelled at me, "Don't do that!" He explained I'd mixed up vegetarian and non vegetarian soups and that the soups weren't ready. I felt a mild charge in my body yet stayed neutral. Now the first miracle is that the charge in my body was very mild, the second that I could stay neutral. I said evenly,"Sorry, I wasn't thinking." He immediately calmed down too and explained why it was important. What could have escalated into something unpleasant actually turned out to be a gentle exchange. Now this for me is true forgiveness. I did not make him wrong, saw no "error" in my "brother" and we were both able to go on our way. For me forgiveness has been to slowly retrain my nervous system not to perceive attack. If it does perceive attack, I often can override it with my powerful intent to stay neutral. I notice every time I counter attack, I suffer. Every time I stay neutral I remain at peace. Duh, which do I prefer.

I have an official announcement to make. It appears I am channeling a group I call "them." I have been receiving messages since 2005/2006 usually to tell someone something or to do something for someone.  I never gave it too much attention. I sort of played it down within myself. My new dear friend Hein suggested to me yesterday basically to own "them." I recognized I never thought of it as channeling as I don't hear anything I just KNOW. Now I don't have a clue if this is a group of aspects of my Higher Self or energies from elsewhere. I just know that when I relay their messages people often burst into tears or have some revelation. I am speaking about it here to get over myself and own this. I sense some unworthiness, as though to admit this would be some form of grandiosity. I am getting more and more clear about how we are unlimited, powerful beyond imagination. As Marianne Williamson has said, who are we NOT to own our own magnificence. We short change ourselves and the Universe when we play small. I feel fluttering in my tummy when I write this. Too bad, I'm coming out of the closet.
I had an unique experience when I listened to them the other day. Someone I have connected with on ThinkwithYourHeart.org was having a meltdown while at work in a skyscraper in Seattle. This was happening in the moment. I got this urge from "them" to light a candle, go barefoot out on to my land, recognize the sacredness of this land and all life and call out her name. She, Jenn, had said something about looking out the window at the clouds to help calm down. So I told her I'd send her a friendly cloud to support her. I wrote to her that I would do this and proceeded to get a bunch of thorns in my feet as I hopped out on to the land. I called Jenn's name nine times. I truly experienced how sacred Gaia is, how blessed I am to be the steward of this hallowed land, how vast my connection to Jenn felt in that moment. She got my email hours after the fact. She said she was stunned because she suddenly started saying to a co-worker that she was feeling much better, she did not understand but her energy changed rapidly apparently at the same time as my ritual. She also had the urge to take a picture of the cloud outside her window- all this BEFORE she received my email. I ask you, is something up? I tell you for sure, we're not in Kansas anymore. (For you readers from other countries, this is a reference to a famous line from an American classic movie, The Wizard of Oz.")

Our Deepest Fear

by Marianne Williamsonfrom A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”