Freeing the snow cage

I wrote this poem a few days ago for a group writing a poem a day for the month. It summarizes what it is I have been focused on healing most of my life. I'd like to share it here.


In your silence
I bury myself under the cold snow
Forget the warmth I grappled my way back to
Climbing over generations of bodies
Frozen
Their lips unmoving
Hands uselessly at their side
Unable to feel the heat of human touch
Emotions in solitary confinement
A million rejections pile together until
I too
Consider the tundra
Allow myself to give into to the cold
First a toe disappears, then a finger, a bit of my heart
Lost to the ice
My hand unmet
After a lifetime of trying to keep myself safe
Freeze the pain
Lop off frostbitten body parts
I recognize
The only way for me to stay safe is to say
No
to safety
To swim through the icy snow
To claw push shove grapple my way to the surface
To watch my mind like a caged beast
Refusing to let it pull me back into the prison
Over and over
To put my hand out
My heart unguarded
To say yes to silence to cold to avalanches
Whatever it takes
I turn from the frozen wilderness of german irish blood
Stiff upper lip east coast control
I spit scrape defecate
Bloodied and bruised again again again
Let the pain dance the tango
Bare my chest
Taunting
Give it your best shoot
I will not give in
I will love again