Wow, a big week for releasing. So much still coming up to be cleared including some major beliefs like; you have to have a good education to have a good life and if you don't finish your homework, you could die. Crazy!! I still continue to be astonished, despite doing this cellular release process processionally for years, how deeply our conditioning rules us and how unconscious it can be. The one about homework has been running me for over a year and still I didn't get it until this week when a huge incident brought it to the surface. It is all still percolating so keep me in your good thoughts. thanks savannah
This poem explores my belief about homework, how it got planted in me, how it is playing out decades later and how I am releasing it.
My father- center of the Universe
All entities revolve around him
Nothing occurs without his permission
No one speaks if he wants silence
Children must tiptoe
Even the dog will only lift her paw to hover
Over the living room carpet
Never letting her foot actually touch the plush blue
His voice frequently heard across five counties
Shouting commands to the prisoners
All must obey
Now my daughter has pages of homework
Can't get it all done
I panic
Can't breath
My spine tightens liked poured cement
In between terror and confusion
I push push we must finish
My voice escalates
She resist, doodles
Won't add 2 + 2
Flash-fire rage
I storm off
Years of training
meditation
Vipasana,
therapy
workshops
yoga
Something is off kilter
Must be them
If only....
Maybe I could breath
Play the blame game
Boomerangs
Hidden under decades of dust
The conditioning operates on remote
Self at seven pulling the levers
The picture clears
See the puppeteer, yet still a marionette
Husband insist on helping
Panicking
Must leave the house
Convinced danger is imminent
Must be sure homework done
Terror rises choking
I must I must I must
The only way to safety control
help help help
Not safe not safe
Daughter resist nazi tactics
Can't she see the peril?
Mind in lala land
Body screams DANGERRRRRRRRRRR
Feel paralyzed - I can't touch
Fight monsters - I can't see
Behind bars - I erect
Years as healer
Explorer of inner spaces
Can't find my way out of this web
Until I climb into my body
Investigate murky crawl spaces shut off for decades
Allow my throat to close
Begin to hyperventilate
Cry decades of tears
Allow witnesses to swim in my grief
Find my father looming
Realization shatters me
my child self believes
I will die if I don't finish my homework
My father will kill
Fog clears
Throat opens
Breath
This poem explores my belief about homework, how it got planted in me, how it is playing out decades later and how I am releasing it.
My father- center of the Universe
All entities revolve around him
Nothing occurs without his permission
No one speaks if he wants silence
Children must tiptoe
Even the dog will only lift her paw to hover
Over the living room carpet
Never letting her foot actually touch the plush blue
His voice frequently heard across five counties
Shouting commands to the prisoners
All must obey
Now my daughter has pages of homework
Can't get it all done
I panic
Can't breath
My spine tightens liked poured cement
In between terror and confusion
I push push we must finish
My voice escalates
She resist, doodles
Won't add 2 + 2
Flash-fire rage
I storm off
Years of training
meditation
Vipasana,
therapy
workshops
yoga
Something is off kilter
Must be them
If only....
Maybe I could breath
Play the blame game
Boomerangs
Hidden under decades of dust
The conditioning operates on remote
Self at seven pulling the levers
The picture clears
See the puppeteer, yet still a marionette
Husband insist on helping
Panicking
Must leave the house
Convinced danger is imminent
Must be sure homework done
Terror rises choking
I must I must I must
The only way to safety control
help help help
Not safe not safe
Daughter resist nazi tactics
Can't she see the peril?
Mind in lala land
Body screams DANGERRRRRRRRRRR
Feel paralyzed - I can't touch
Fight monsters - I can't see
Behind bars - I erect
Years as healer
Explorer of inner spaces
Can't find my way out of this web
Until I climb into my body
Investigate murky crawl spaces shut off for decades
Allow my throat to close
Begin to hyperventilate
Cry decades of tears
Allow witnesses to swim in my grief
Find my father looming
Realization shatters me
my child self believes
I will die if I don't finish my homework
My father will kill
Fog clears
Throat opens
Breath
"if you don't finish your homework, you could die" -- There's something about that logic that rings very true to me, even though I know it's false. A similar struggle I suppose, one that shows up in my anxieties about work for example a lot.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're describing sounds like quite a big deal, and your poem really lets me follow that process, how it feels and how it moves -- remarkable, and thank you for sharing it here!
Thanks for letting me know that this helps. It keeps surprising me how often I forget to allow myself to dive in to my bodily response. When I do I always find what I am looking for- release and healing.
ReplyDelete