emptiness

I woke up today feeling empty and disconnected. After much holiday activity, a number of days loomed with no plans. I felt disconnected and afraid. My mind immediately began to search, to try to find a SOLUTION! If I called this person, went to this place, spoke to so and so... I then grasped my Way of Mastery which tells me over and over again that there is no solution outside myself, no answer in the world.  I spent the last year letting go of attachment and desire and used Herculean efforts not to be attached to my ideas of how Christmas should unfold. Since this has been a major trigger much of my life, the only time I perceived myself during childhood as loved, I was grateful when Christmas passed without incident. Yet, while I did not become reactive I also did not enjoy it. I was just neutral in a way that feels similar to dead. So I've moved from one pole to the other- from attachment with enjoyment and drama to detachment with emptiness. But what the heck, I had no other ideas so I followed what I read in my book and made no plans for myself, just agreed to show up for what arose within. I ended up having a very meaningful conversation and I felt good again. Yet a little while later I felt overwhelmed and wanting to be left alone when someone else was wanting to connect to me. Ah, these delicate and contrary creatures, we humans.  Feelings arise and pass away so quickly. I am still left with emptiness and uncertainty, yet it is less. The drama and intensity seem to have been slightly mitigated. So what can I do but allow it all- the emptiness, the connection, the joy, the anger, the sense of separation. Fighting the separation always seems to link me closer to it, a little tar baby. The sun is no longer shining, so I allow the cold.