As I review my year, I recognize that my challenges this last year have all been around the theme of love, which is clearly my central issue. I came across this posting I had made elsewhere and I bleed for the woman I was as I faced these questions about love. I had no idea the firestorm I was entering and the deep, gut wrenching anguish I would experience. Yet I am so much closer to true freedom, to an inner marriage, to the sense of love inside that is safe because it is myself. I awoke today afraid. My new challenge seems to be to face an inner emptiness and lack of clarity about what I am meant to be doing, to hold the new aspect of the wound with an open heart. Part of me wants to scream, "ENOUGH" and retreat into a cuddled ball. Another part of me is truly excited by the adventure and is totally jazzed to be playing the freedom game. I am allowing the discomfort to run down my spine, the coldness in my hands, the uncertainty as my mind races for answers. I feel deeply joined in this human dilemma, knowing we are all playing versions of this same game. I am embracing and cherishing myself as the emptiness gaps at my feet. Yet despite all the growth, all the courage I have shown, all the amazing discoveries, I still yearn for some one to embrace, adore, and cherish me, put their arms around me and whisper that they love me. This too is so human and so I whisper to you, "you are loved!!!!" May the new year brings us all ever closer to the absolute certainty of these words.
1/8/10 The universe has been kindly supporting me in uncovering my core issues lately. I have been observing and investigating what triggers me deeply and have rediscovered the core belief that love is not safe. It is very clear how I came to that belief as I experienced my father as a terrorist. While I feel free of this belief intellectually, my behavior shows me that emotionally I am still imprisoned by it. I finding writing and sharing brings me clarity and perhaps this question will speak to someone else.
Lately two incidents deeply triggered this belief. I perceived a love one as not caring about my feelings and needs. After the first incident, I clearly stated my feelings and needs, yet the behavior was repeated. While I had conversations to resolve it on the relational level, I am more interested in my reactivity which was not proportional to the situation. I found myself returning to a frozen state where my feelings become muted and dead. I felt the armoring return. Underneath I am discovering that old belief flying in full regalia. I know it is my perception that is hurting me yet my FEELINGS scream to me that I am right, that I am being hurt. I end up feeling like my old two year old self-she truly was powerless and at the affect of others; I am not. My question to myself and to the universe is perhaps more of an intention. I intend to finally free myself of this old wound that has cut me off from so much life and joy and deeply blocks me from my life's purpose to embody and extend love, to be a teacher and student of love. I send this into the ethers with the intention of freeing all of us from this belief. I see so many of us reacting when we perceived ourselves as unloved, perceive that no one cherishes us. I am learning not to belief that false perception, regardles of what my feelings tell me. Yet it is still a struggle. Below is something I wrote when the first incident occur. I welcome any comments. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings know they are loved!
What it felt like Tuesday was that I had TO TRULY FACE the inadequacy and imperfection of human love. This is something I have been unable to truly be with until now. I think in many ways my whole life has been an avoidance of and a hiding from this fact. I think it is the reason of my weight, both physically and emotionally. I see how my parents' love was so harmful in so many ways, despite whatever their intentions may have been, I see that despite Herculean efforts my love for my daughter is still often not enough to stop me from harming her. I see the million ways I have caused my husband pain. I see how I have not been able to be available sometimes in my friendships. I see that now matter how much love I have to offer, no matter if I correct every "mistake" in my life -clean up, be organized, lose weight, be kind and generous, be thoughtful and considerate, use only ownership language, take personal responsibility, love myself etc., etc. from a genuine place of desiring the changes- I end up in the same painful place- where there is no guarantee, no certainty, no real protection from the fact that my love may not be treasured and cherished; that my needs, even if understood, may not be met. To truly face this without flinching, without turning away, without denying or hiding literally felt unbearable to me the other day. Today is another day and today I feel strong yet sad. Today I can hold that weight. Today I can embrace the knife and see it cut me deeply, see the fresh, red blood spurt, imagine that if it cuts deep enough it may, seemingly will cut me open to joy, to nonattachement, to freedom even to bliss and certainly to love. The pain and the joy and possibility of joy seem to be almost equally weighted. Some days one has the upper hand and I feel myself retreat. But then again and again, I find there is nowhere to hide. And yet, and yet and yet-what choice is there. Again and again I have considered true retreat from this arena of human pain. Unfortunately (not really) I am not the solitary type and I see for me it would hold an emptiness that would be genuinely unbearable. I see again and again that my true treasures always lay with love. I see that I must commit, again and again to allowing myself to profoundly experience the joy and sorrow and that for now they go hand in hand. I see that the pain I am experiencing on this journey is MY pain - I see that it is the way to break open. I stand naked in front of the truth-there are no guarantees love is returned no matter what I do including back flips, I see that even if that love is returned, there will always be gaps of misunderstanding or needs at cross purposes, I see that even if that love is returned and the gaps are few, one day one of the Beloveds must die. To stand rooted to the ground as that truth howls around me with gale force winds, to let the tears flow as they appear, to hold, to hold, to hold without looking away is perhaps to open to something not yet seen but perhaps, heard, perhaps heard in the sound of trickling stream and the croak of a frog. Perhaps heard in the joyous laughter of friendship; perhaps touched by a gentle breeze, perhaps rooted in the hug of the beloved child, perhaps held by a weekly cappuccino cup, perhaps a word from someone who knows, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps ... .......
As I read these words now I know the truth that human love can never hold me, that it is only my True self, the Self tied to Universal flow that is encompassing enough to create the vastness I need to live life in love, joy and freedom. May we all find that place within and life the lives of our destiny!!! with love savannah
1/8/10 The universe has been kindly supporting me in uncovering my core issues lately. I have been observing and investigating what triggers me deeply and have rediscovered the core belief that love is not safe. It is very clear how I came to that belief as I experienced my father as a terrorist. While I feel free of this belief intellectually, my behavior shows me that emotionally I am still imprisoned by it. I finding writing and sharing brings me clarity and perhaps this question will speak to someone else.
Lately two incidents deeply triggered this belief. I perceived a love one as not caring about my feelings and needs. After the first incident, I clearly stated my feelings and needs, yet the behavior was repeated. While I had conversations to resolve it on the relational level, I am more interested in my reactivity which was not proportional to the situation. I found myself returning to a frozen state where my feelings become muted and dead. I felt the armoring return. Underneath I am discovering that old belief flying in full regalia. I know it is my perception that is hurting me yet my FEELINGS scream to me that I am right, that I am being hurt. I end up feeling like my old two year old self-she truly was powerless and at the affect of others; I am not. My question to myself and to the universe is perhaps more of an intention. I intend to finally free myself of this old wound that has cut me off from so much life and joy and deeply blocks me from my life's purpose to embody and extend love, to be a teacher and student of love. I send this into the ethers with the intention of freeing all of us from this belief. I see so many of us reacting when we perceived ourselves as unloved, perceive that no one cherishes us. I am learning not to belief that false perception, regardles of what my feelings tell me. Yet it is still a struggle. Below is something I wrote when the first incident occur. I welcome any comments. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings know they are loved!
What it felt like Tuesday was that I had TO TRULY FACE the inadequacy and imperfection of human love. This is something I have been unable to truly be with until now. I think in many ways my whole life has been an avoidance of and a hiding from this fact. I think it is the reason of my weight, both physically and emotionally. I see how my parents' love was so harmful in so many ways, despite whatever their intentions may have been, I see that despite Herculean efforts my love for my daughter is still often not enough to stop me from harming her. I see the million ways I have caused my husband pain. I see how I have not been able to be available sometimes in my friendships. I see that now matter how much love I have to offer, no matter if I correct every "mistake" in my life -clean up, be organized, lose weight, be kind and generous, be thoughtful and considerate, use only ownership language, take personal responsibility, love myself etc., etc. from a genuine place of desiring the changes- I end up in the same painful place- where there is no guarantee, no certainty, no real protection from the fact that my love may not be treasured and cherished; that my needs, even if understood, may not be met. To truly face this without flinching, without turning away, without denying or hiding literally felt unbearable to me the other day. Today is another day and today I feel strong yet sad. Today I can hold that weight. Today I can embrace the knife and see it cut me deeply, see the fresh, red blood spurt, imagine that if it cuts deep enough it may, seemingly will cut me open to joy, to nonattachement, to freedom even to bliss and certainly to love. The pain and the joy and possibility of joy seem to be almost equally weighted. Some days one has the upper hand and I feel myself retreat. But then again and again, I find there is nowhere to hide. And yet, and yet and yet-what choice is there. Again and again I have considered true retreat from this arena of human pain. Unfortunately (not really) I am not the solitary type and I see for me it would hold an emptiness that would be genuinely unbearable. I see again and again that my true treasures always lay with love. I see that I must commit, again and again to allowing myself to profoundly experience the joy and sorrow and that for now they go hand in hand. I see that the pain I am experiencing on this journey is MY pain - I see that it is the way to break open. I stand naked in front of the truth-there are no guarantees love is returned no matter what I do including back flips, I see that even if that love is returned, there will always be gaps of misunderstanding or needs at cross purposes, I see that even if that love is returned and the gaps are few, one day one of the Beloveds must die. To stand rooted to the ground as that truth howls around me with gale force winds, to let the tears flow as they appear, to hold, to hold, to hold without looking away is perhaps to open to something not yet seen but perhaps, heard, perhaps heard in the sound of trickling stream and the croak of a frog. Perhaps heard in the joyous laughter of friendship; perhaps touched by a gentle breeze, perhaps rooted in the hug of the beloved child, perhaps held by a weekly cappuccino cup, perhaps a word from someone who knows, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps ... .......
As I read these words now I know the truth that human love can never hold me, that it is only my True self, the Self tied to Universal flow that is encompassing enough to create the vastness I need to live life in love, joy and freedom. May we all find that place within and life the lives of our destiny!!! with love savannah
