Now I Become Myself- May Sarton

Now I Become Myself

Now I become myself. It's taken
Time, many years and places;
I have been dissolved and shaken,
Worn other people's faces,
Run madly, as if Time were there,
Terribly old, crying a warning,
"Hurry, you will be dead before--"
(What? Before you reach the morning?
Or the end of the poem is clear?
Or love safe in the walled city?)
Now to stand still, to be here,
Feel my own weight and density!
The black shadow on the paper
Is my hand; the shadow of a word
As thought shapes the shaper
Falls heavy on the page, is heard.
All fuses now, falls into place
From wish to action, word to silence,
My work, my love, my time, my face
Gathered into one intense
Gesture of growing like a plant.
As slowly as the ripening fruit
Fertile, detached, and always spent,
Falls but does not exhaust the root,
So all the poem is, can give,
Grows in me to become the song,
Made so and rooted by love.
Now there is time and Time is young.
O, in this single hour I live
All of myself and do not move.
I, the pursued, who madly ran,
Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun!

    May Sarton

useful post for clearing attachments

VICTIM OR VICTOR?" - July 2013 - Ronna Herman 

100 Euro miracle territory

I want to chat about the magic that is in the air. I am finding myself more able to catch my mind trying to trap me in limitation and bust through those illusions. One example illustrates this perfectly.
My sister (out law) found a wonderful place for us to do a ropes course in the trees. We've done it before and loved it. I had just been to the bank and didn't want to carry my purse. My smallest bill was 100 Euro. I stuck it in my camera case. I then got distracted while I convinced the people that we did not need to do the safety lecture again. We went on our merry way and had a fantastic afternoon, not freaking as the wind began to blow and rain splashed us. The rain stopped, the wind died down and all was well. Until we were leaving and I remembered my 100 Euro. Opps. I had pulled out my camera in the trees and bye-bye 100. Initially I felt stupid and silly for forgetting it but NO OTHER REACTION STIRRED IN MY BODY. Now 100 Euro is between $125 to 140 depending on the exchange rate. No small amount especially on my budget.
I watched myself rather stunned at my neutrality. The place was just closing but we found an employee who helped us search, gallantly offering to swing through the zip lines peering down maybe 40-50 feet to try to spy my folded green Euro. Didn't seem too plausible and, not surprisingly, he didn't find it. I told him (Herr Holzer, forgot his first name) I wanted to leave my phone number in case anyone found it. He said, sorry, if someone finds it, you can forget it, you'll never see it again. I said with absolute conviction, sorry, but you are wrong. If someone finds it I WILL get it back. The only question, which seemed highly implausible given the vast canopy and ground of vegetation, was would it be found.
We went off to dinner and I throughly enjoyed myself, convinced one way or another I get my money back. I WAS CERTAIN. Both my daughter and Irmgard looked at me with more than mild skepticism but I didn't let it affect my great mood.
The next day at lunch the call came. A 14 year old boy had found it on the path and turned it in. It seems that the only way it could have happened is that I took a photo high in the air at the only point the rope course crossed the path far below. I whopped so loud some of you may have heard it around the globe. I was thrilled to get the money back. I was more thrilled to get a powerful taste of the magic and unlimited possibilites of aligning with the abundance of our true natures.

live happ illy- where's the joy?

Beloveds,
It is wonderful to reconnect with all of you. The last weeks have been quite an adventure with many joyful experiences and some critical awarenesses. I have looked forward to sharing some of my more memorable experiences with you.
I was in Europe visiting my in/out laws. For the first two weeks I had one pleasurable experience after another. After years of slogging through the mud of consciousness with only a few oasis's of pleasure, this was beyond a welcome relief.
The trip started with me creating a lot of suffering. I left July 3rd and was just energetically coming out of the tailspin that were the months of May and June. Despite trying to counter it with a lot of mental chatter, my predominate energy about the plane flight was one were I was deeply concerned I would not have the energy to pull it off. Needless to say my creation came true with delayed flights, long delays, switched aircrafts, missed flights, huge lines at security in London and even a body search. After numerous hours waiting in London and a tearful outburst, I was so exhausted I literally doubted I could go on. I have almost never felt so depleted. I finally remembered to call for some help from my inner and outer resources. Immediately I found a place to lay flat with my daughter sweetly perched guarding over me as I fell into a profound altered state. All the noise and chaos of the airport receded into the far distance and I was miraculously able to restore myself enough in that hour laying down to go on. It was a very powerful experience.
So then came the weeks of fun and games including one of the best days in my life. My marvelous sister in/out law took my photo that evening and happiness radiates from my face. I will see if I scan the photo in sometime.
But the next day I felt sad as we left the incredible joy I felt swimming in the clear Mediterranean waters near Piran. I would have preferred to stay longer but our plans took us to Italy. I felt regret and some resentment even. When I arrived in Dueno I was not a happy camper. The water was slick with some unpleasant looking substance, the little beach had lots of people in their chairs with umbrellas and it did not really appeal initially. So I pulled myself together and found things to like. I loved the patio at breakfast, looking on the bay. I loved Dama Blanca guarding the old castle when I swam to her feet. I loved the Italian cappuccino and was entranced with my cup that said live happily with the logo for the Illy coffee company embedded in the word happily. I decided I would be so happy to have that cup and asked to buy one. After much discussion on our last day, they offered it to me as a gift. Unfortunately they gave me the expresso cup, not the cappaccino. And here's where I got to explore the difference between my understanding of happiness and joy. Happiness is situational and thus ephemeral, fleeting.  The moment I received the expresso cup my stomach dropped out and I felt terrible. Silly I know but one little example of how I can chase happiness yet never capture it. I did not appreciate the generous gift and I started to spin, wanting MY CUP. I couldn't let it go and schemed how to get my cup. The details don't matter, what matters is the underlying reality that happiness can not last. I watched myself get addictive when the happiness eluded me. I bought a shirt I didn't need and don't even really like to keep the claws of unhappiness at bay on a day where I was wiped out by humidity and extreme heat. I chased a dessert I couldn't live without when I felt those weeks of happiness begin to slip away. 
I decided to make that little expresso cup work for me and set about determining how to pull it off. I decided to use it as a symbol  of what brings lasting joy. For me joy is a state of being, a consciousness. This is something that can last as it is based on Who I AM rather than a temporary state. More often lately, I am resting in pure awareness that is neutral and carries such freedom and yes joy. In this place, others' actions are netural. I am not pulled by the tide of co-dependency or special relationships, one of my biggest remaining traps. I simply AM. This is what I choose to remember when I look at my expresso cup
I am back in the States. After feeling overwhelmed at the end of my trip by a need for silence and solitude, I now feel a bit lonely and isolated. It is clear I can never create continuous conditions to my liking in the pursuit of happiness. What I am recognizing is that the pursuit of happiness is absolutely linked to suffering. Then I am pursuing something that can never last. So my intent now is to strengthen my commitment to going the distance, to restore myself to my true nature, to remember that place within where I am at home in very circumstance, at peace with every moment. A tall order yet it is clear to me nothing else will bring me the joy I know is all of out true nature. 
So often on this trip I was able to recognize my true unlimited nature. And it has nothing to do with cappuccino cups.

P.S. I order the cappuccino cups from Illy when I got home. I serious doubt they will bring me much genuine happiness but hey, I thought I'd experiment and see what happens. Maybe at least five minutes of pleasure.

Ah, and I did manage to get a photo of the cup and happy photo and posted it below.

pause

I will be taking a break and may or may not have computer access. So I may be out of touch until mid August. If so, know that I hold all of you in my heart. I send you Godspeed through these exciting, tumultuous, liberating times. May the road rise up to meet you. Giant hug and big smooch, savannah

the final frontier, the end of seeking

I never understood the phrase about in order to awaken one needs to stop seeking. Yet listening to Matt Kahn I so get it. I get how I need to seek until the point now where seeking backfires and creates self blame. I am now at the point where the tools help but I am almost ready to put them down and just be. I see how every tool I have ever used can easily turn into a weapon of not doing it good enough, perfectly, not trying hard enough etc. I need to be more loving. First, is that true? Turns out not cause the need to be loving creates an immediate boomerang of putting me down cause I ain't there yet and then creates a vortex pulling me in exactly the opposite direction I want to go. I also love what he says about a seemingly simple tool like allowing everything. I can easily measure that I am not REALLY allowing the agony with enough openness- who the hell can fully allow and open to agony so whoops, another perfect opportunity to judge myself. So I am doing what he suggests and just acknowledging. The energies now often leaving me feeling squeezed to the point of almost being breathless, increased heart rate and blood pressure. So when I feel it I just acknowledge it and say "Hurray!" as he suggests. It is so ridiculous I immediately feel better but best of all no judgment, just simple noticing with a hurray! Love this tool, love being ready to let the seeking go.

Since my huge breakthrough with my self worth last month, I am experiencing a level of self acceptance and love I have never known. For me it is a puzzle that is finally starting to come together.

july joy

air conditioning, yoga, relatively calm, slept well, sweet times with friends and daughter, so much more self love and appreciation, tears of self acceptance, increased awareness and understanding, calmer, less intensity and pressure, lighter, feeling more capable, calm day yesterday, slight cool breeze, at peace with searing heat, getting tasks done calmly, opportunities, change to be in a different environment, re-listening to session from Asandra, more fully understanding, embracing loving myself, releasing self blame