Thursday, June 9, 2011

Amma, mirroring and annihilation

 I was blessed to see Amma last Sunday and receive darshan. In case you don't know who she is, she is said to be the living embodiment of Divine Mother. She has hugged over 25 million people, passing on a powerful energetic of unconditional love. When I was there, she was hugging people for over five hours without a break. She does not get up to stretch, go to the bathroom, eat. The hug last from five seconds to maybe over a minute. I first met her several years ago and only noticed afterwards that we all got into a fight on the way home. I uncharacteristically was swearing my head off and shouting. (The swearing use to be uncharacteristic but lately it is par for the course.) Whatever is unlike Divine Love and is ready to be released is pushed to the surface for clearing. There are often thousands of people there waiting for a hug. It is quite a scene, a little slice of India in San Ramona, California. There are little shops and vendors all around selling Indian goods to raise money for her charities.
This time when it was finally our turn, I began to cry the closer I got to my hug. Tears poured down my cheeks. After the hug you are allowed to sit close to her, a true honor, for a little while. Tears continued to drip down my face. My daughter asked me why I was crying. i said that being in her Presence allows me to feel in my body how far I am still from being unconditionally loving. The apparent distant that still remains between me and my intention to embody Love creates grief within me which I allow fully.
Perhaps part of the reason I felt so moved it that for me she is the perfect mirror, not only for me but for I am guessing everyone. Whatever she sees or feels, she only reflects Love. To be in such a Presence is healing. But I actually suppose not everyone feels it. Many years ago, my husband and I came upon her by chance in a big hotel where she was giving hugs. We watched what was going on for a while with no clue, felt nothing, never even asked and split out of there. So there you go.
I was reading in a book about the spiritual antidote for my enneagram type- I am a four for those of you who know this system. My antidote is balance and allowing my self to feel the void, the emptiness. I realize that is what I have been running from my whole live, trying to fill that void with people, places, things, food, experiences, etc. It is taken all this time to have the courage to just feel it. Why is it so difficult? My theory is that it is because it feels like annihilation and in a real sense it is. To transcend the ego is also to experience a loss of self, of feeling bound to a limited time/space identity. Sounds fun in theory but in practice it is as scary as the worst horror movie for me. Yet the way is clear now. So next time that feeling of profound emptiness comes up, I will do my best to enter it fully, allow it to have its way with me, deeply embody whatever arises. I know the feeling tone of unconditional love and remembered it so well in Amma's Presence. So, whatever it takes, here i go...

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