Mothers, joy and judgment

Happy Mother's Day! I send my love today especially to all of you who are mothers. For me mothering is the most rewarding yet sometimes the most challenging thing in my life. Being a mother has brought me incredible joy. I love my daughter Ciela with a fierce powerful love. Sometimes I am swept with a wave of such gratitude and joy that she is in my life. She has been perhaps my most influential teacher of love. She helped me remember the resonance of unconditional love in my body simply by being herself, especially as a baby. My profound love for her sometimes brings tears to my eyes. She is the first relationship I have been able to make "holy" and move beyond specialness. She is incredibly wise, gentle, kind, generous, caring, creative and joyful. I celebrate her here as there is no daughter's day.
My love for her is one of my strongest motivations to move beyond my ego. Doing the professional work I do, I know how powerful conditioning is. I know how what I do with her has such an incredibly strong effect on her. For me this is the absolutely most challenging part of being human. I sometimes wonder how we can stand it- knowing that our errors can create such suffering in those we love. I feel a knot in the pit of my stomach as I write these words. How challenging to forgive myself for any ways I have inadvertently allowed my damaged conditioning to harm her and cause her to suffer. OUCH!! So painful! I have heard it said that mothers are the only group of people who seek enlightenment for someone other than themselves. So mothers I honor and bless you for your efforts. I celebrate you for all that you do, all the tender care you bring into raising your children. Thank you!

I also want to share with those of you who read my previous blog how it went with my birthday. I did really well until about 9:30 p.m. I was at peace and enjoying myself even though a great number of aspects of the day were not my ideal preference. Then I lost it, fell into the same old pattern, the unloved filter dropped before my eyes and I dissolved into a pool of tears. I had held and held, then felt myself slipping, was able to keep my mouth shut and stay moderately centered but the challenges lasted too long and I fell from grace. It has been an incredible learning lesson. I see aspects of this I never saw before. I saw in a way I never fully recognized how deeply I judge myself for being human and imperfect. I immediately get out the score card and start assigning failing grades and heaping distain on myself. I blamed myself. Not a pretty picture. But considering the level to which things were not my ideal picture, I did very well. At the same time I really can see how much of me is still attached to an "idol" a special relationship to prove to me that I am loved. Not enough recognition and gifts, not enough love- same old boring tape. I also saw what suffering I create with my expectations and judgment. Yet this time I quickly came in with awareness and compassion. I didn't say all the judgmental things to myself or anyone else that I would usually say. So the score for now- awareness and Presence 85, ego 15. Not bad, considering where I've come from. Lucky for me I don't have many expectations for Mother's Day. The expectations are a killer. And believe me when I tell you that this little drama increased my awareness and commitment to liberation exponentially, to being the Love I have sought outside. So all together, a good day. Well, gotta go, my daughter just woke up. Onward through the fog!

birthdays, conditioning and control

Today is my birthday. I have always attached huge significance to my birthday. Over the years I figured out why. I only experienced myself as loved in my family as a child on my birthday and Christmas. On those days I got it- I was loved. My Mom went all out especially on Christmas with decorations, good food and lots of gifts. Inadvertently she conditioned me to associate presents and love. I operated unconsciously from that conditioning until I realized the connection yet even after realizing it, I still am pushed strongly by that link.
I had a difficult birthday in my early twenties and decided never again. Since then I always arranged something special for myself and bought myself presents I liked. I trained boyfriends to give me gifts. Then my poor husband was brainwashed into giving me lots of gifts. I never really got the cost until recently. My husband felt pressured and lost all sense of freedom and joy. I pressured others inadvertently too. We always had my women's Goddess group at my house at Christmas. I would go all out too. I was shocked when one year one member said she didn't want to do it at my house even though she had no other special plan. That burst my bubble and brought the link to my consciousness. Still it ran me big time.
This year I decided to do it a little different. I decided not to pass out my gift list, to put no expectations on anyone. My friend suggested I do it differently this year too and that clinched it- I knew I had to change or suffer and create suffering. I still bought myself some great gifts and I still will have a nice dinner. But that's it- the pressure is off- almost. I even chose to do something special for someone else for no reason, instead of focusing on myself. It worked! What fun. So we'll see how the the day feels without giving in to that old conditioning and need to control. So far there is more spaciousness, more room to breath. I can realize how much pressure for others I had created. Opps, that damn conditioning!
Ah, more freedom.
I also want to wish another dear former boyfriend who shares the same birthday a fabulous day. I adored this man in college and he helped shape me so I want to honor him. Happy birthday Miles!! Enjoy the day.
So time will tell today how this feels to let go of control. For now, it feels good.

We are the Beloved

On Easter I released the biggest condition that I believed was essential to my well being, to my wholeness, to my life. It was very challenging because my ego was screaming at me “NO, NO, NO!!!!!!! Don’t do it. You’ll be destroyed!” But my soul’s voice, while quiet and gentle, told me to do it and I had the courage to act. I jumped off the cliff only held by Trust. With tears in my eyes but with a firm hand I ritualistically cut away my last “idol.” An idol is what The Course in Miracles calls anything that we believe is essential to us, that we can’t live without, that we need and must have to be happy, free, fine, whatever. I have had many idols in my life, primarily relationships, but also food, sugar, shopping, travel, beauty, nature, good weather, etc. Now these things are beautiful in and of themselves; they only become destructive when we believe we NEED them for something. Why? It took me a long time to really grok this beyond the level of thought, to know in my body why this is true. The answer.... Drum roll, please, is because we are whole, perfect, and complete exactly as we are. WE ARE THE BELOVED. There is nothing that can add or take away from our magnificence, nothing. 

I don’t know about you but when I first read that I was like, huh?!? Nothing can add or subtract from us. No way, who are they kidding? Way of Mastery asks us to contemplate that question again and again- what can truly add to our fullness or take anything away from our essence? When I first read that, I was like, well, let me count the ways I can be diminished. Yet somehow when I jumped off that cliff on Easter, something profound shifted in me and for weeks at a time, I GOT IT!!! BEYOND THE LEVEL OF THOUGHT!!! IN MY BODY!!!!!!! O.K., another drum roll please, I AM THE  BELOVED AND SO ARE YOU!!!! I have worked toward this truth for twenty-four and a half years and now I get it for longer and longer periods and trust me when I tell you it was worth the wait. I have waited my whole life for someone to adore and cherish me enough so I could really feel it, really get it. I have been blessed with a number of people who have truly adored me and guess what? It made a dent but it was only temporary and then they began to act in ways that weren’t adoring and the whole vicious cycle started over again. My “special relationship,” the one that was meant to save me, walked away, wasn’t so attractive anymore, had a drinking problem, didn’t really love me, wasn’t spiritual, was no fun, was too bossy, etc. Shit, no cheese down that tube. So I was off and running again. But not now. It is indeed a miracle, I adore and cherish mySelf, but really. I  am magnificent. I am the Beloved. And guess what, when I Am, I can’t help but notice, YOU ARE TOO!! You are all looking so good to me! 

Here is what it feels like when I am mySelf. Time stops, I have no thoughts of the past or the future. I notice when people make “errors” but I just want to support them in regaining their balance. I have no judgments, no deep need. I feel joyful yet detached. Now, I don’t know about you but that word detached always gave me the creeps. Boring! No way. Detached is not a good word as it has so many negative connotations. Yet the feeling is good, it is a feeling of observing and delighting in all that passes before me. It is accepting what is with grace. It is having the thing that I thought was essential to my life, to my happiness taken away and feeling not only equanimity but a deep sense of liberation, a sense of unimaginable freedom, a deep knowing that it is suppose to walk away, that it is perfect. Can you imagine what it is to feel that, come what may, you still feel joy and peace? Well my previous worst nightmare is unfolding and I feel peace, gratitude, a deep contentment and most of all an exhilarating sense of liberation. I AM FREE!! I see only perfection and feel strong gratitude and excitement, wondering what miracles will unfold next. I sense the feeling tone of my future and it is yummy. I am seeing in the moment that what seemed like the worst thing that could happen is actually the exact thing I need and will lead me to my life’s desire, my most cherished dream. (O.K., enough with the capitals and exclamation points but this is pretty big for me.) Whoppee. (see, no exclamation point.)

Well, now truly I do feel born again. I get what the first commandment means, when they say thou shall not put false Gods before me. What it means for me is that anything or anyone one we believe can detract from our own totality, magnificence (I looked in the thesaurus, no other word for it) is a false God because then we don’t recognize ourself as made in the exact image and likeness of God. We are it. We are the One. Can you feel it?

The energy of transformation on the planet right now is intense. The Mayan calendar has given us the count down for eons. And boy, were they right on target. It is my greatest desire that we all feel it, know it, are it, that we all fully embrace ourselves as the Beloved. I see and feel it in you. Do you?

SPIRITUAL WARRIOR, GODDESS OR CHUMP?

I got a lovely response to my last blog when I posted it on my other site. One of the things the responder wrote about was wondering what the hell is going on. Why has she has been slogging through her ego debris, while those around her party and seemingly have a gay old time? Not fair! Everybody is eating, drinking, shopping and having a ball while us “spiritual” types are bogged down cleaning our unconscious of accumulated garbage. I too have asked myself the question- ”when do the goodies show up?” She was saying her bank account, love life, general quality of life aren’t exactly an inspiration to others to follow her lead. I hear that!! I too have wondered whether or not I am a chump. Twenty three years on this path, almost two  decade of intense commitment and a year and a half of almost absolute hell- hum, is this worth it? Well, like I always say to my students, is there any other game in town? I have been digging through the muck of my own conditioning, my own mind for, it seems like, ever! When are the good times gonna roll? 

I gotta tell you, I was considering giving up the quest as I felt like I’d been sold down the river. Especially a few weeks ago when everything was going to hell in a hand basket (this blog I am having fun with cliches, as I am sure you have noticed.) I was ready to shout UNCLE!!! A solid year and half of diving into the pain, the upset, despair, confusion, sadness, grief and my life seemed to be getting worse. Now I will admit that I had cleared my beliefs about money almost exactly two years ago ( exactly 8 days from now.) Since then I must confess my bank account keeps growing mysteriously. Otherwise things haven’t looked so beautiful Oh, I forgot to mention a new house and two new cars we own. But my emotional life- DISASTER! So I was definitely beginning to wonder if I was backing the right horse. Only faith and a lack of alternatives has kept me hanging in there. Until the last month or so when I have begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel (are you wondering like me how many more of these trite phrases I can fit in?) At the worst moment of my despair an incredible light began to shine. I experienced an entire day of unconditional love and bliss. Then recently a week of total peace and joy. And lately the greatest sense of inner strength, calm and peace. What is going on? One minute hell, the next heaven. I hardly recognize myself for the last few days. I have spent forever trying to heal myself of the special relationship, where someone or something is viewed as essential for one’s wholeness or well being. To be honest, it wasn’t looking so good. Then I did this ritual on Easter with the hope of being reborn as whole and lo and behold, I swear, who is this woman? She is calm, she is centered, she is peaceful, she laughs a lot and her face looks eerily like mine except there is a lot more light there. So while the jury is still out, I am going to have to go with goddess, not chump.` 

GLOOM, DOOM AND SURRENDER

Well, that was fun while it lasted. A week of bliss, a day of gloom and doom, back in hell. Whoa, what a ride! Yesterday I was back in the soup for the evening. My body is now my vehicle of transformation. It doesn’t let me get away with nuthin’. O.K., here’s what throws my body into an absolute uproar of upset and anguish, as though my veins were flowing with an acid bath: any judgment of anyone or anything. It has been nine months since my body has allowed me to judge anyone or myself without a toxic reaction; now it has added judging any condition to the mix. If I judge any condition as not being acceptable, the acid starts to flow and I become a babbling idiot, incapable of thought or action. Pretty strong incentive to cool it. I guess Byron Katie, a important spiritual leader who wrote a book called, Loving What Is, would be proud of me. I either love what is or I get to suffer terribly. Yesterday I wasn’t loving what was and so my body did it’s thing and let me know that wasn’t going to fly. 

I have spent the last 23 years healing myself of one belief, that I am separate from Love. What an adventure it has been; I have literally been around the world twice trying to escape that belief but it keeps doggin’ me, right on my tail. The latest offshoot I have discovered is that I don’t know how to hold myself, create a safe container for my own existence. In releasing that little puppy, I found myself recently slithering across the floor like a worm. My body was attempting to reveal to me how I sometimes feel inside, pointing the direction my healing needs to go. Ya gotta love it. 

So. At this point I am down to one condition that I still am having a great deal of trouble accepting, what The Course in Miracles calls a grievance. My mind just won't let go of it, is a bulldog on a pork chop gnawing away on it. (Hey, what’s up with all the dog idioms- I have no clue.) I believe it so strongly, I’d hang on to it for dear life if it wasn’t for that pesky body. Every time I belief that condition is necessary for my happiness, the electric prod comes out and zaps me. Not pleasant. So as of yesterday, I did a ritual to free myself from that condition, to cut the cords that bind me, break those agreements and liberate myself. One of the hardest things I have ever done and very bitter sweet, yet soulful. I personally think I should get the Nobel prize for courage, along with just about everybody else I know. If not for that acid coursing through my body, I’d never have the chutzpah to do it. As they say in the movie Star Wars, resistance is futile. Does anybody else relate to what I am going through? I have been told by two people I respect deeply that my particular soul journey has an exceptionally steep learning curve so I never know if what I am experiencing is something others can relate to but what can I do, it is my life and thus the only thing I can comment on.

So yesterday I got caught in a huge wave of resistance. Here were my consequences. (Having a 10 year old child, I am often pointing out the consequences of certain behaviors but damned if it doesn’t hold for adults too.) I got so ungrounded I wanted to crawl out of my skin, my cold turned into bronchitis, I couldn’t think straight, I had to leave the Easter party early. I tried hiding in my bedroom, sitting outside in the freezing wind to rebalance and calling everybody and their mother to see if anyone had seen myself because I sure couldn’t find her.

So I woke up today promising to turn over a new leaf. I swear on my honor to surrender all conditions. So far, so good. Other than sleeping to 1 p.m. (let’s just say that is VERY untypical) my day is turning out rather well, by which I mean no acid is flowing and I am at peace. Not bad for a rainy Monday. I am finally learning to understand what all those bloody spiritual teachers are talking about when they say to surrender. I am ready to raise the white flag. The ironic thing is that when I do, I move myself out of puppet/slave status and find an incredible sense of expansion and fulfillment. Go figure.

I want to take time to express my gratitude to some people, especially those who have held my hand as I have ventured into the underworld. But I think I will do that in another blog. It feels good to have my head clear the clouds enough to write again.

An aside: You may have noticed I always obscure the details of my “story.” 

I do this for two reasons; to protect other’s privacy and primarily because I notice that any attachment to my story, either how I came by such painful beliefs and inability to hold myself or how it is playing out now just causes further suffering and does no one any good. The details are actually insignificant, I have found.

My dear blog family, may your day be filled with ease, grace and joy. May you know the Love that you are. May you feel the unity.

RESURRECTION

Today is Easter and for me there is a new energy, an energy of what one might call resurrection. Do you feel it too? It as though all the years of struggle and pain have dropped away and the chance for bliss is right there at my finger tips, in this moment. It is my choice to stay with that peace and expansion or to move into my mind, my mind that loves to jump back to the past or wing it’s way into the future. Yet I have experimented enough times to have tasted the suffering the past and future so often hold for me. It has made me “vigilant for the kingdom” as Way of Mastery  names it. For me, being vigilant for the kingdom means I stay with what is, I allow it without comparison or opinion. And somehow miraculously, here I have found such an incredible sense of quiet joy. Who would have thought it is so simple yet previously so unattainable. 

The last decade has held much joy and great agony. It has been extraordinarily difficult for me, particularly the last year and a half. Two days ago it was exactly a year and a half ago I began my descent into hell. I tell you several times it felt like a close call whether I would ever find the door out. Despite doing the work personally and professionally for many years, of completely allowing whatever arises, fully embodying whatever shows up as one's experience, there were literally times when I felt the pressure and pain were so great they were not survivable. Luckily, turns out I was wrong. Well things have not developed as I planned or wished for, not even as I thought was essential for my well being. Three conditions I thought would destroy me through their loss, I have not only survived but come to recognize as essential to my transformation and my joy. I have given up believing I know best what will lead to my own happiness. Who would a thunk it? 

Today it is pouring rain, not ideal for an outdoor Easter party. Yet I never considered the thought that it should not be raining. In a nutshell, that is what my unfolding has been about. Echart Tolle said it simply in The Power of Now. I have learned to accept what is. Previously, I so often fought what was, trying to command and control my life. Not that I had any luck. It is just that now I get it that I don’t get it. Now I don’t pretend to know what is best or how things should unfold. I go with the flow and do my best to Trust with a capital “T”.

I spent the last week in a new state of being, just allowing events to transpire. I hardly recognized my self or no-self as Tolle would call it. It is hard to put into words. Perhaps you can get a sense of it. In the midst of crisis, I am at peace.

There is so much more I wish to share yet for now, what is, is that the Easter bunny is calling me. So, for now, I go.

FORGIVENESS

The topic of forgiveness has been brewing in me for awhile. I had such a profound experience with it lately. I have a dearly loved boyfriend, Sigy,  I broke up with over 23 years ago. I did it in a horrible, thoughtless, inconsiderate way. At the time, I was in such denial that I called it being free and open. I was unbelievably neglectful and, let’s call a spade a spade, cruel. Yet at the time I could not see it. I had no true honoring of the upset and hurt I caused. I used deep denial to say that things happen, c’est la vie, etc. Over the years it began to gnaw at me. It grew to be my deepest regret for awhile (now I have an even more extreme regret, but that is another story and another place in which I must dive into the depths of self forgiveness). I couldn’t believe how blind I’d been, how cruel. For years I wanted to track him down and offer my profound remorse, to let him know I now realized what I’d done and intensely mourned my lack of compassion. Not being computer savvy, it took quite some time to track him yet I finally did. The minute we connected by phone, I started to cry. He must have wondered after not hearing from me for years, to have a crying woman on the phone. I told him how sorry I was and asked for his forgiveness. He gave it so easily and generously! He said we all make mistakes and he only thought of me with happy memories of the gift I was in his life. He shared with me how our lives together had given him an incredible treasure. He let me know that I had awaken his life to joy, fun and pleasure. He told me how much he loved that side of my personality. I am delighted and honored to have him back in my life. He gave me permission to celebrate him by revealing his name, Sig Askvik.

I can not tell you what a relief that was. I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I came back to my contrition after a delightful conversation. I asked him again, specifically, could he truly forgive me for my unkindness? I  asked him to stop and really think about it. He said yes. The boulder of blame rolled off my back.

Another interesting thing happened. I realized that the part of me he loves, the exuberant, flamboyant, wild, fun side has not really flourished in me for some time. I asked myself why and committed to reclaiming that part of myself I adore and have partially lost.

But more about forgiveness: this is a central concept in both Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery.  I have really had trouble with this concept. First I thought it was the usual forgiveness- you screwed up and me, out of my magnanimity will bestow forgiveness on you as a boon. Wrong. So gradually I understood intellectually what they meant. No matter what happens, I see no error. I may notice someone has missed the mark yet I have no feeling, no belief that anything should be different. Whoa, now that is a stretch! At least for me. So I have two situations lately I find unforgivable. One involves my daughter. I have worked and worked with it. Now, as I have said before, I get the cattle prod when I judge anyone. But, come on, I don’t get to judge anything!?!? No way. So, I recognize the judgment, I even cry about how impossible it feels to let it go. Intellectually, I know I have to, physically I know I have to because otherwise my body jolts me with very uncomfortable feelings. But I have not yet been able to let it go. Now I have another judgment too. I tell you I cursed the Universe, I cursed Love, I cursed the whole #)$%*$#)*%)$*%)$*%)#$*%)* planet when I saw I needed to accept the one that came up this week. I said no #@%$^%$^%^ way. There is no way I am going to go with this, I quit. I’m out of here, I’m done. Well, I couldn’t find any spaceships to take me away and Scotty keeps refusing to beam me up so.... What could I do? I sat in absolute misery and despair for a day and a half until the anguish was too great. So I began to ask the question. What the #@$#$ is this for, how can I possibly accept this, show me g...d d..m it! Show me, I refuse unless you show me. So I had my little temper tantrum. I am sure by now the neighbors are gathering a petition to ask me to quit having my shit fits outside as I curse and scream (we have 5 acres- hopefully they don’t really hear but believe me I stomp and shout). Miraculously, yesterday I came to a place of absolute peace and acceptance. For the first time, I truly understood forgiveness in an embodied way. It is absolutely accepting and EVEN EMBRACING the unacceptable, surrendering it to Mystery. It is always saying YES! to what is, it is a fervent faith that sees beyond what the eyes show. It is trusting that there is a force that knows better than us what is for our highest good. On my good days, this is an embodied faith that feels so indescribably yummy. On my bad days it is mission impossible. Yet when I am there, I see clearly for a thousand miles. I have a feeling tone of peace and joy. I live in a state of unconditional love that is blissful. I see the horse at the end of this pile of shit. It allows the situation in Japan to be as it is, offering support and compassion without losing faith and trust (this is a real hard one for me.) It embraces what is. Really, what else can I do? And the same is true for you. What do ya say, shall we live in faith together?