pause

I will be taking a break and may or may not have computer access. So I may be out of touch until mid August. If so, know that I hold all of you in my heart. I send you Godspeed through these exciting, tumultuous, liberating times. May the road rise up to meet you. Giant hug and big smooch, savannah

the final frontier, the end of seeking

I never understood the phrase about in order to awaken one needs to stop seeking. Yet listening to Matt Kahn I so get it. I get how I need to seek until the point now where seeking backfires and creates self blame. I am now at the point where the tools help but I am almost ready to put them down and just be. I see how every tool I have ever used can easily turn into a weapon of not doing it good enough, perfectly, not trying hard enough etc. I need to be more loving. First, is that true? Turns out not cause the need to be loving creates an immediate boomerang of putting me down cause I ain't there yet and then creates a vortex pulling me in exactly the opposite direction I want to go. I also love what he says about a seemingly simple tool like allowing everything. I can easily measure that I am not REALLY allowing the agony with enough openness- who the hell can fully allow and open to agony so whoops, another perfect opportunity to judge myself. So I am doing what he suggests and just acknowledging. The energies now often leaving me feeling squeezed to the point of almost being breathless, increased heart rate and blood pressure. So when I feel it I just acknowledge it and say "Hurray!" as he suggests. It is so ridiculous I immediately feel better but best of all no judgment, just simple noticing with a hurray! Love this tool, love being ready to let the seeking go.

Since my huge breakthrough with my self worth last month, I am experiencing a level of self acceptance and love I have never known. For me it is a puzzle that is finally starting to come together.

july joy

air conditioning, yoga, relatively calm, slept well, sweet times with friends and daughter, so much more self love and appreciation, tears of self acceptance, increased awareness and understanding, calmer, less intensity and pressure, lighter, feeling more capable, calm day yesterday, slight cool breeze, at peace with searing heat, getting tasks done calmly, opportunities, change to be in a different environment, re-listening to session from Asandra, more fully understanding, embracing loving myself, releasing self blame