SPIRITUAL WARRIOR, GODDESS OR CHUMP?

I got a lovely response to my last blog when I posted it on my other site. One of the things the responder wrote about was wondering what the hell is going on. Why has she has been slogging through her ego debris, while those around her party and seemingly have a gay old time? Not fair! Everybody is eating, drinking, shopping and having a ball while us “spiritual” types are bogged down cleaning our unconscious of accumulated garbage. I too have asked myself the question- ”when do the goodies show up?” She was saying her bank account, love life, general quality of life aren’t exactly an inspiration to others to follow her lead. I hear that!! I too have wondered whether or not I am a chump. Twenty three years on this path, almost two  decade of intense commitment and a year and a half of almost absolute hell- hum, is this worth it? Well, like I always say to my students, is there any other game in town? I have been digging through the muck of my own conditioning, my own mind for, it seems like, ever! When are the good times gonna roll? 

I gotta tell you, I was considering giving up the quest as I felt like I’d been sold down the river. Especially a few weeks ago when everything was going to hell in a hand basket (this blog I am having fun with cliches, as I am sure you have noticed.) I was ready to shout UNCLE!!! A solid year and half of diving into the pain, the upset, despair, confusion, sadness, grief and my life seemed to be getting worse. Now I will admit that I had cleared my beliefs about money almost exactly two years ago ( exactly 8 days from now.) Since then I must confess my bank account keeps growing mysteriously. Otherwise things haven’t looked so beautiful Oh, I forgot to mention a new house and two new cars we own. But my emotional life- DISASTER! So I was definitely beginning to wonder if I was backing the right horse. Only faith and a lack of alternatives has kept me hanging in there. Until the last month or so when I have begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel (are you wondering like me how many more of these trite phrases I can fit in?) At the worst moment of my despair an incredible light began to shine. I experienced an entire day of unconditional love and bliss. Then recently a week of total peace and joy. And lately the greatest sense of inner strength, calm and peace. What is going on? One minute hell, the next heaven. I hardly recognize myself for the last few days. I have spent forever trying to heal myself of the special relationship, where someone or something is viewed as essential for one’s wholeness or well being. To be honest, it wasn’t looking so good. Then I did this ritual on Easter with the hope of being reborn as whole and lo and behold, I swear, who is this woman? She is calm, she is centered, she is peaceful, she laughs a lot and her face looks eerily like mine except there is a lot more light there. So while the jury is still out, I am going to have to go with goddess, not chump.` 

GLOOM, DOOM AND SURRENDER

Well, that was fun while it lasted. A week of bliss, a day of gloom and doom, back in hell. Whoa, what a ride! Yesterday I was back in the soup for the evening. My body is now my vehicle of transformation. It doesn’t let me get away with nuthin’. O.K., here’s what throws my body into an absolute uproar of upset and anguish, as though my veins were flowing with an acid bath: any judgment of anyone or anything. It has been nine months since my body has allowed me to judge anyone or myself without a toxic reaction; now it has added judging any condition to the mix. If I judge any condition as not being acceptable, the acid starts to flow and I become a babbling idiot, incapable of thought or action. Pretty strong incentive to cool it. I guess Byron Katie, a important spiritual leader who wrote a book called, Loving What Is, would be proud of me. I either love what is or I get to suffer terribly. Yesterday I wasn’t loving what was and so my body did it’s thing and let me know that wasn’t going to fly. 

I have spent the last 23 years healing myself of one belief, that I am separate from Love. What an adventure it has been; I have literally been around the world twice trying to escape that belief but it keeps doggin’ me, right on my tail. The latest offshoot I have discovered is that I don’t know how to hold myself, create a safe container for my own existence. In releasing that little puppy, I found myself recently slithering across the floor like a worm. My body was attempting to reveal to me how I sometimes feel inside, pointing the direction my healing needs to go. Ya gotta love it. 

So. At this point I am down to one condition that I still am having a great deal of trouble accepting, what The Course in Miracles calls a grievance. My mind just won't let go of it, is a bulldog on a pork chop gnawing away on it. (Hey, what’s up with all the dog idioms- I have no clue.) I believe it so strongly, I’d hang on to it for dear life if it wasn’t for that pesky body. Every time I belief that condition is necessary for my happiness, the electric prod comes out and zaps me. Not pleasant. So as of yesterday, I did a ritual to free myself from that condition, to cut the cords that bind me, break those agreements and liberate myself. One of the hardest things I have ever done and very bitter sweet, yet soulful. I personally think I should get the Nobel prize for courage, along with just about everybody else I know. If not for that acid coursing through my body, I’d never have the chutzpah to do it. As they say in the movie Star Wars, resistance is futile. Does anybody else relate to what I am going through? I have been told by two people I respect deeply that my particular soul journey has an exceptionally steep learning curve so I never know if what I am experiencing is something others can relate to but what can I do, it is my life and thus the only thing I can comment on.

So yesterday I got caught in a huge wave of resistance. Here were my consequences. (Having a 10 year old child, I am often pointing out the consequences of certain behaviors but damned if it doesn’t hold for adults too.) I got so ungrounded I wanted to crawl out of my skin, my cold turned into bronchitis, I couldn’t think straight, I had to leave the Easter party early. I tried hiding in my bedroom, sitting outside in the freezing wind to rebalance and calling everybody and their mother to see if anyone had seen myself because I sure couldn’t find her.

So I woke up today promising to turn over a new leaf. I swear on my honor to surrender all conditions. So far, so good. Other than sleeping to 1 p.m. (let’s just say that is VERY untypical) my day is turning out rather well, by which I mean no acid is flowing and I am at peace. Not bad for a rainy Monday. I am finally learning to understand what all those bloody spiritual teachers are talking about when they say to surrender. I am ready to raise the white flag. The ironic thing is that when I do, I move myself out of puppet/slave status and find an incredible sense of expansion and fulfillment. Go figure.

I want to take time to express my gratitude to some people, especially those who have held my hand as I have ventured into the underworld. But I think I will do that in another blog. It feels good to have my head clear the clouds enough to write again.

An aside: You may have noticed I always obscure the details of my “story.” 

I do this for two reasons; to protect other’s privacy and primarily because I notice that any attachment to my story, either how I came by such painful beliefs and inability to hold myself or how it is playing out now just causes further suffering and does no one any good. The details are actually insignificant, I have found.

My dear blog family, may your day be filled with ease, grace and joy. May you know the Love that you are. May you feel the unity.

RESURRECTION

Today is Easter and for me there is a new energy, an energy of what one might call resurrection. Do you feel it too? It as though all the years of struggle and pain have dropped away and the chance for bliss is right there at my finger tips, in this moment. It is my choice to stay with that peace and expansion or to move into my mind, my mind that loves to jump back to the past or wing it’s way into the future. Yet I have experimented enough times to have tasted the suffering the past and future so often hold for me. It has made me “vigilant for the kingdom” as Way of Mastery  names it. For me, being vigilant for the kingdom means I stay with what is, I allow it without comparison or opinion. And somehow miraculously, here I have found such an incredible sense of quiet joy. Who would have thought it is so simple yet previously so unattainable. 

The last decade has held much joy and great agony. It has been extraordinarily difficult for me, particularly the last year and a half. Two days ago it was exactly a year and a half ago I began my descent into hell. I tell you several times it felt like a close call whether I would ever find the door out. Despite doing the work personally and professionally for many years, of completely allowing whatever arises, fully embodying whatever shows up as one's experience, there were literally times when I felt the pressure and pain were so great they were not survivable. Luckily, turns out I was wrong. Well things have not developed as I planned or wished for, not even as I thought was essential for my well being. Three conditions I thought would destroy me through their loss, I have not only survived but come to recognize as essential to my transformation and my joy. I have given up believing I know best what will lead to my own happiness. Who would a thunk it? 

Today it is pouring rain, not ideal for an outdoor Easter party. Yet I never considered the thought that it should not be raining. In a nutshell, that is what my unfolding has been about. Echart Tolle said it simply in The Power of Now. I have learned to accept what is. Previously, I so often fought what was, trying to command and control my life. Not that I had any luck. It is just that now I get it that I don’t get it. Now I don’t pretend to know what is best or how things should unfold. I go with the flow and do my best to Trust with a capital “T”.

I spent the last week in a new state of being, just allowing events to transpire. I hardly recognized my self or no-self as Tolle would call it. It is hard to put into words. Perhaps you can get a sense of it. In the midst of crisis, I am at peace.

There is so much more I wish to share yet for now, what is, is that the Easter bunny is calling me. So, for now, I go.

FORGIVENESS

The topic of forgiveness has been brewing in me for awhile. I had such a profound experience with it lately. I have a dearly loved boyfriend, Sigy,  I broke up with over 23 years ago. I did it in a horrible, thoughtless, inconsiderate way. At the time, I was in such denial that I called it being free and open. I was unbelievably neglectful and, let’s call a spade a spade, cruel. Yet at the time I could not see it. I had no true honoring of the upset and hurt I caused. I used deep denial to say that things happen, c’est la vie, etc. Over the years it began to gnaw at me. It grew to be my deepest regret for awhile (now I have an even more extreme regret, but that is another story and another place in which I must dive into the depths of self forgiveness). I couldn’t believe how blind I’d been, how cruel. For years I wanted to track him down and offer my profound remorse, to let him know I now realized what I’d done and intensely mourned my lack of compassion. Not being computer savvy, it took quite some time to track him yet I finally did. The minute we connected by phone, I started to cry. He must have wondered after not hearing from me for years, to have a crying woman on the phone. I told him how sorry I was and asked for his forgiveness. He gave it so easily and generously! He said we all make mistakes and he only thought of me with happy memories of the gift I was in his life. He shared with me how our lives together had given him an incredible treasure. He let me know that I had awaken his life to joy, fun and pleasure. He told me how much he loved that side of my personality. I am delighted and honored to have him back in my life. He gave me permission to celebrate him by revealing his name, Sig Askvik.

I can not tell you what a relief that was. I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I came back to my contrition after a delightful conversation. I asked him again, specifically, could he truly forgive me for my unkindness? I  asked him to stop and really think about it. He said yes. The boulder of blame rolled off my back.

Another interesting thing happened. I realized that the part of me he loves, the exuberant, flamboyant, wild, fun side has not really flourished in me for some time. I asked myself why and committed to reclaiming that part of myself I adore and have partially lost.

But more about forgiveness: this is a central concept in both Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery.  I have really had trouble with this concept. First I thought it was the usual forgiveness- you screwed up and me, out of my magnanimity will bestow forgiveness on you as a boon. Wrong. So gradually I understood intellectually what they meant. No matter what happens, I see no error. I may notice someone has missed the mark yet I have no feeling, no belief that anything should be different. Whoa, now that is a stretch! At least for me. So I have two situations lately I find unforgivable. One involves my daughter. I have worked and worked with it. Now, as I have said before, I get the cattle prod when I judge anyone. But, come on, I don’t get to judge anything!?!? No way. So, I recognize the judgment, I even cry about how impossible it feels to let it go. Intellectually, I know I have to, physically I know I have to because otherwise my body jolts me with very uncomfortable feelings. But I have not yet been able to let it go. Now I have another judgment too. I tell you I cursed the Universe, I cursed Love, I cursed the whole #)$%*$#)*%)$*%)$*%)#$*%)* planet when I saw I needed to accept the one that came up this week. I said no #@%$^%$^%^ way. There is no way I am going to go with this, I quit. I’m out of here, I’m done. Well, I couldn’t find any spaceships to take me away and Scotty keeps refusing to beam me up so.... What could I do? I sat in absolute misery and despair for a day and a half until the anguish was too great. So I began to ask the question. What the #@$#$ is this for, how can I possibly accept this, show me g...d d..m it! Show me, I refuse unless you show me. So I had my little temper tantrum. I am sure by now the neighbors are gathering a petition to ask me to quit having my shit fits outside as I curse and scream (we have 5 acres- hopefully they don’t really hear but believe me I stomp and shout). Miraculously, yesterday I came to a place of absolute peace and acceptance. For the first time, I truly understood forgiveness in an embodied way. It is absolutely accepting and EVEN EMBRACING the unacceptable, surrendering it to Mystery. It is always saying YES! to what is, it is a fervent faith that sees beyond what the eyes show. It is trusting that there is a force that knows better than us what is for our highest good. On my good days, this is an embodied faith that feels so indescribably yummy. On my bad days it is mission impossible. Yet when I am there, I see clearly for a thousand miles. I have a feeling tone of peace and joy. I live in a state of unconditional love that is blissful. I see the horse at the end of this pile of shit. It allows the situation in Japan to be as it is, offering support and compassion without losing faith and trust (this is a real hard one for me.) It embraces what is. Really, what else can I do? And the same is true for you. What do ya say, shall we live in faith together?

Why is Love?

This is the easiest to answer. The why of love is that love is Who we are. To me, the game of life is getting this, getting at the cellular level our true Identity as Love. Now the game is very interesting and has many twist and turns. The biggest twist I am aware of is what The Way of Mastery calls the special relationship. The special relationship is where someone or something fills your emptiness. While it seems to work, we are willing to give everything to that specialness. We are absolutely devoted. But when that special one or thing no longer seems to meet our needs, how quickly we can turn.

It seem to be world events are making us more and more aware of our unity. What happens in Japan affects all of us. We can’t go in our corner and just forget it. I have been devoted to specialness all my life until now. I have always made relationships my anchor. First my mother, various boyfriends, husband, daughter. While I have witnessed the flaws in this way of filling my emptiness, it wasn’t until the ground got yanked from under my feet figuratively that I have been truly able to witness what I have done in the name of love and what others continue to do. Isn’t love of country or religion the primary reason for the atrocities of the world? I love my God so much I’ll kill you if you disagree. I love my country so much I’ll kill you if you disagree. I love you so much I’ll do anything for you- but for those others over there- I’ll do nothing.

I have had a million wake up calls before I could see this clearly. Not surprisingly, I have a partial macular hole in one eye and had a tear in my retina in the other. I am finally willing and able to see. What I see saddens me. I see how for love of one person, we so often neglect, are unkind to, harm, ignore another and still feel good because we believe we are a lover. Now I know this is a stage we all have to go through. And I know I am like an ex-smoker, cursing the idiocy of smokers. Yet I have so much grief for what is done in the name of love that I just want to scream “STOP!”. I had to have a situation in my personal life get so bad, so painful, so absurd before I could really see.

Now I feel like I’m in limbo. I know my old identity no longer supports me. I know that my purpose is to abide in unconditional love. I know at a cellular level how incredible that feels, how fulfilling and complete. Yet I have only had a taste, a tantalizing taste. What to do until I reach the other shore?

The other thing that has become increasingly clear to me is that until we manage to heal at the level of our nervous system, it is just an idea. These last years have been a continual diving into the physical reactivity of my body to certain conditions and situations. Over and over I have had to experience the physical, mind/body response to the belief I  am separate from love. I can say I believe whatever I want yet until our nervous system buys it, it isn’t really helpful. 

So now I am in limbo. I KNOW that I am not separate from love yet that is not my daily embodied awareness. I have released major aspects of my old identity yet nothing has yet come in to replace it. I sometimes feel alone or lonely. I am bewtixt and between. So what can I do but allow and surrender to that? Sorry, wish I had a better answer. Let me know if you have any answers.

When is Love?

Even a few weeks ago I would have said love is a decision and we make the choice to experience love. We feel it, if we are open, when someone loves us or we love someone. But is love conditional? I have come to realize conditional love no longer is my prime desire, in fact not my desire at all. I want to live in unconditional love. A tall order I know, yet this is where I think we are all headed. Unfortunately, I have come across another of Love's obstacle. Love is NOT something we can control, choose, will, force. We can only clear the obstacles and await grace. Love is direct experience, a feeling tone. To have it as an idea or intention is fine but doesn't do the trick, does it? Until it is an embodied experience, it is only a nice thought. So my focus now is to clean, clean, clean until my lived experience, like I felt some days ago, is one of unconditional Love. Nothing else I see is eternal and answers the longing for me. Nothing else frees me from the puppet strings of conditions. Nothing else liberates my heart. When we declare ourselves for Love, the Universe steps in, excited to welcome us to the club. It arranges whatever steps are necessary to get us to that lived experience. We never know what it will take and for me I must surrender to a wisdom that goes beyond my every day awareness. I guarantee you this is the hardest thing I have ever done and requires a level of trust and faith I do not currently have. So off I go, jumping from the cliff and waiting to be held. Wanna jump?

Say Yes!!

Beloveds,
The last week and a half has been one of the most intense periods of my life. I am still unable to really articulate all that has occurred and am still reeling from such dramatic and swift transformation. I am not able to write clearly or with much grace yet will give it a shot. Here goes: It began February 26th when the pressure of believing that love was outside of me was so great that it felt as though my body could literally blow up. I had isolated the core belief that has been devastating my life always and now my body was allowing me to actually feel the damage that belief has wrought. It was agony and I felt it was unbearable. The physical pressure mounted and increased. I felt despair and hopelessness, uncertain where to turn as nothing helped. I prayed my head off and miraculously, the next day my heart opened and I knew, at a level beyond thought, that I am Love. The knowing was fleeting and I also knew that I needed the direct experience, an embodied experience, in order to truly shift. I prayed again for such an experience, sourcing love within from no external condition. I laid on my steps in the sun and freezing wind and waited. Miraculously again, I was given a physical experience of love arising in my body unrelated to any circumstance. I felt blessed. That night unconditional love arose in me so powerfully. The last time I can remember feeling it so strongly was when my daughter was an infant. Yet this arose within me, for no reason, it just was. It was so delicious! My daughter felt it too and planned our lives together, how we would spend hours cuddling and other such ideas. Neither of us wanted to go to sleep as it was so delightful.
The next day was nothing special yet the day after a huge chasm appeared in me. Years before, I had two of my deepest desires fail to materialize. In both cases, in hindsight, I was glad. Yet I was convinced for years that both were essential to my happiness. On that Tuesday, one condition that I have been attached to for decades arose. I felt without that, my identity would shatter and that it might literally kill me. I felt unable to let go of my attachment and yet felt torn part by it. It felt again as if the forces could blow me apart. I felt terrified and desperate. Another miracle occurred and I was able to pour out my anguish to a man I had spoken to for only a few minutes previously. He is a leader with the Shanti Cristo Foundation which publishes the book that is my bible,Way of Mastery. He allowed me to spill out my profound grief and terror. He told me how he had gone through very similar experiences and all that he had learned. He joined with me and gave me the courage to truly surrender that condition. He told me I must turn it over to the Universe and ask that I be shown how to proceed. Previously, I had been too terrified to genuinely surrender. Yet this night I was truly willing to ask that I be shown what I was to do. I was able to release an attachment and identity that has held me for decades. The only reason I was able to do so is that I realized the attachment was killing me. For the first time in my life I felt the desire to die. I had no choice left, if I wanted to live, but to surrender. Believe me when I tell you it was the hardest thing I have ever done. It took everything I have, every ounce of courage yet I finally did it. I awoke the next morning, having hardly slept, with absolute clarity. I was shown what to do and how to proceed. It was an alternative I had sensed yet never been able to truly picture as it is not a paradigm which exist currently on the planet, at least not that I am aware of. It was an alternative I had not been able to genuinely accept as viable. It involved surrendering and transforming a commitment that has lasted decades yet I was at peace. I felt such unconditional love for everyone involved. I floated throughout the day in joy and peace, so deeply relieved to have an answer,
Well, the next day the shit hit the fan again and I was back in terror. How could I do this? How could I let go, no way Jose!!! I cursed God and the horse he rode in on. I screamed and yelled. I hated everything. I wanted to kill God (Who was a very personal HE in this fantasy.) I had an Uzi out and was spraying him with bullets. I felt betrayed and misled. I felt this outcome had been promised to me and now I had been tricked and hoodwinked. I was ENRAGED!!!!!!!! I allowed myself to feel all of that and again had the good fortune to speak to my guardian angel, my new friend and teacher. Somehow he said all the right things and I was again able to surrender and trust.
The next day was one of the best of my life. I again floated now with bliss. I loved everyone and felt it deeply in my body. I saw angelic white energy for several hours- everyone seemed like the dearest and most amazing beings. I felt only love and gratitude, deep acceptance and joy. I was blown way by my unlimitedness. It was good and very good.
Well, you guessed it, it didn't last yet it gave me the taste of what i have sought my whole life. I KNEW that is Who I am. I KNEW that is where I am headed. I KNEW that everything that is occurring is perfect to help me get where I want, to clear all obstacles to Love within, to KNOW myself as Love. I had a great number of peaceful, calm days. I began living my identity in the new paradigm. All was well until the 9th of March.
On that day, all my fear and terror came again out of the woodwork. I was jumpy and freaking out. I was desperately seeking something outside of me to calm me down. My husband was feeling the same so I knew some energetic shift was up. What I didn't realize was that it was the date of the last wave of the Mayan calendar- i thought that date was later. I noticed many people seemed crazed. I just tried to ride it out, taking a hot bath, sitting outside but it was VERY rough. My husband and I compared notes and realized something had to be up. I was so relieved to realize it was a gateway and that explained to me the intensity. I tried to say, it is just neutral energy, but it was so difficult. Luckily, it passed the next day.
So today I sit with trust and faith that all will be well. I have waves of doubt or fear arise yet I allow them to pass. I am experienced a deep healing in an important relationship of mine. I am clearing my vision and beginning to really see myself as powerful and unlimited. I am freeing myself from conditions. And by the way, I have been reclaiming my power from food. During this crisis, I was on this very restrictive food plan- no sugar, my old supposedly dear friend (no more!). So I am now 30 pounds lighter in body and soul.  I realize without trust and a Plan that knows better than I where my happiness lies, I am sunk.  A few friends and I are sending each other trust and faith daily. Boy, do I need it.
Dear Friends, may you feel loved and supported in these intense times. My prayers and love go with you. Hang in there and know that all will be well, and all will be well and all will be very, very well.