SPIRITUAL WARRIOR, GODDESS OR CHUMP?

I got a lovely response to my last blog when I posted it on my other site. One of the things the responder wrote about was wondering what the hell is going on. Why has she has been slogging through her ego debris, while those around her party and seemingly have a gay old time? Not fair! Everybody is eating, drinking, shopping and having a ball while us “spiritual” types are bogged down cleaning our unconscious of accumulated garbage. I too have asked myself the question- ”when do the goodies show up?” She was saying her bank account, love life, general quality of life aren’t exactly an inspiration to others to follow her lead. I hear that!! I too have wondered whether or not I am a chump. Twenty three years on this path, almost two  decade of intense commitment and a year and a half of almost absolute hell- hum, is this worth it? Well, like I always say to my students, is there any other game in town? I have been digging through the muck of my own conditioning, my own mind for, it seems like, ever! When are the good times gonna roll? 

I gotta tell you, I was considering giving up the quest as I felt like I’d been sold down the river. Especially a few weeks ago when everything was going to hell in a hand basket (this blog I am having fun with cliches, as I am sure you have noticed.) I was ready to shout UNCLE!!! A solid year and half of diving into the pain, the upset, despair, confusion, sadness, grief and my life seemed to be getting worse. Now I will admit that I had cleared my beliefs about money almost exactly two years ago ( exactly 8 days from now.) Since then I must confess my bank account keeps growing mysteriously. Otherwise things haven’t looked so beautiful Oh, I forgot to mention a new house and two new cars we own. But my emotional life- DISASTER! So I was definitely beginning to wonder if I was backing the right horse. Only faith and a lack of alternatives has kept me hanging in there. Until the last month or so when I have begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel (are you wondering like me how many more of these trite phrases I can fit in?) At the worst moment of my despair an incredible light began to shine. I experienced an entire day of unconditional love and bliss. Then recently a week of total peace and joy. And lately the greatest sense of inner strength, calm and peace. What is going on? One minute hell, the next heaven. I hardly recognize myself for the last few days. I have spent forever trying to heal myself of the special relationship, where someone or something is viewed as essential for one’s wholeness or well being. To be honest, it wasn’t looking so good. Then I did this ritual on Easter with the hope of being reborn as whole and lo and behold, I swear, who is this woman? She is calm, she is centered, she is peaceful, she laughs a lot and her face looks eerily like mine except there is a lot more light there. So while the jury is still out, I am going to have to go with goddess, not chump.` 

GLOOM, DOOM AND SURRENDER

Well, that was fun while it lasted. A week of bliss, a day of gloom and doom, back in hell. Whoa, what a ride! Yesterday I was back in the soup for the evening. My body is now my vehicle of transformation. It doesn’t let me get away with nuthin’. O.K., here’s what throws my body into an absolute uproar of upset and anguish, as though my veins were flowing with an acid bath: any judgment of anyone or anything. It has been nine months since my body has allowed me to judge anyone or myself without a toxic reaction; now it has added judging any condition to the mix. If I judge any condition as not being acceptable, the acid starts to flow and I become a babbling idiot, incapable of thought or action. Pretty strong incentive to cool it. I guess Byron Katie, a important spiritual leader who wrote a book called, Loving What Is, would be proud of me. I either love what is or I get to suffer terribly. Yesterday I wasn’t loving what was and so my body did it’s thing and let me know that wasn’t going to fly. 

I have spent the last 23 years healing myself of one belief, that I am separate from Love. What an adventure it has been; I have literally been around the world twice trying to escape that belief but it keeps doggin’ me, right on my tail. The latest offshoot I have discovered is that I don’t know how to hold myself, create a safe container for my own existence. In releasing that little puppy, I found myself recently slithering across the floor like a worm. My body was attempting to reveal to me how I sometimes feel inside, pointing the direction my healing needs to go. Ya gotta love it. 

So. At this point I am down to one condition that I still am having a great deal of trouble accepting, what The Course in Miracles calls a grievance. My mind just won't let go of it, is a bulldog on a pork chop gnawing away on it. (Hey, what’s up with all the dog idioms- I have no clue.) I believe it so strongly, I’d hang on to it for dear life if it wasn’t for that pesky body. Every time I belief that condition is necessary for my happiness, the electric prod comes out and zaps me. Not pleasant. So as of yesterday, I did a ritual to free myself from that condition, to cut the cords that bind me, break those agreements and liberate myself. One of the hardest things I have ever done and very bitter sweet, yet soulful. I personally think I should get the Nobel prize for courage, along with just about everybody else I know. If not for that acid coursing through my body, I’d never have the chutzpah to do it. As they say in the movie Star Wars, resistance is futile. Does anybody else relate to what I am going through? I have been told by two people I respect deeply that my particular soul journey has an exceptionally steep learning curve so I never know if what I am experiencing is something others can relate to but what can I do, it is my life and thus the only thing I can comment on.

So yesterday I got caught in a huge wave of resistance. Here were my consequences. (Having a 10 year old child, I am often pointing out the consequences of certain behaviors but damned if it doesn’t hold for adults too.) I got so ungrounded I wanted to crawl out of my skin, my cold turned into bronchitis, I couldn’t think straight, I had to leave the Easter party early. I tried hiding in my bedroom, sitting outside in the freezing wind to rebalance and calling everybody and their mother to see if anyone had seen myself because I sure couldn’t find her.

So I woke up today promising to turn over a new leaf. I swear on my honor to surrender all conditions. So far, so good. Other than sleeping to 1 p.m. (let’s just say that is VERY untypical) my day is turning out rather well, by which I mean no acid is flowing and I am at peace. Not bad for a rainy Monday. I am finally learning to understand what all those bloody spiritual teachers are talking about when they say to surrender. I am ready to raise the white flag. The ironic thing is that when I do, I move myself out of puppet/slave status and find an incredible sense of expansion and fulfillment. Go figure.

I want to take time to express my gratitude to some people, especially those who have held my hand as I have ventured into the underworld. But I think I will do that in another blog. It feels good to have my head clear the clouds enough to write again.

An aside: You may have noticed I always obscure the details of my “story.” 

I do this for two reasons; to protect other’s privacy and primarily because I notice that any attachment to my story, either how I came by such painful beliefs and inability to hold myself or how it is playing out now just causes further suffering and does no one any good. The details are actually insignificant, I have found.

My dear blog family, may your day be filled with ease, grace and joy. May you know the Love that you are. May you feel the unity.

RESURRECTION

Today is Easter and for me there is a new energy, an energy of what one might call resurrection. Do you feel it too? It as though all the years of struggle and pain have dropped away and the chance for bliss is right there at my finger tips, in this moment. It is my choice to stay with that peace and expansion or to move into my mind, my mind that loves to jump back to the past or wing it’s way into the future. Yet I have experimented enough times to have tasted the suffering the past and future so often hold for me. It has made me “vigilant for the kingdom” as Way of Mastery  names it. For me, being vigilant for the kingdom means I stay with what is, I allow it without comparison or opinion. And somehow miraculously, here I have found such an incredible sense of quiet joy. Who would have thought it is so simple yet previously so unattainable. 

The last decade has held much joy and great agony. It has been extraordinarily difficult for me, particularly the last year and a half. Two days ago it was exactly a year and a half ago I began my descent into hell. I tell you several times it felt like a close call whether I would ever find the door out. Despite doing the work personally and professionally for many years, of completely allowing whatever arises, fully embodying whatever shows up as one's experience, there were literally times when I felt the pressure and pain were so great they were not survivable. Luckily, turns out I was wrong. Well things have not developed as I planned or wished for, not even as I thought was essential for my well being. Three conditions I thought would destroy me through their loss, I have not only survived but come to recognize as essential to my transformation and my joy. I have given up believing I know best what will lead to my own happiness. Who would a thunk it? 

Today it is pouring rain, not ideal for an outdoor Easter party. Yet I never considered the thought that it should not be raining. In a nutshell, that is what my unfolding has been about. Echart Tolle said it simply in The Power of Now. I have learned to accept what is. Previously, I so often fought what was, trying to command and control my life. Not that I had any luck. It is just that now I get it that I don’t get it. Now I don’t pretend to know what is best or how things should unfold. I go with the flow and do my best to Trust with a capital “T”.

I spent the last week in a new state of being, just allowing events to transpire. I hardly recognized my self or no-self as Tolle would call it. It is hard to put into words. Perhaps you can get a sense of it. In the midst of crisis, I am at peace.

There is so much more I wish to share yet for now, what is, is that the Easter bunny is calling me. So, for now, I go.

FORGIVENESS

The topic of forgiveness has been brewing in me for awhile. I had such a profound experience with it lately. I have a dearly loved boyfriend, Sigy,  I broke up with over 23 years ago. I did it in a horrible, thoughtless, inconsiderate way. At the time, I was in such denial that I called it being free and open. I was unbelievably neglectful and, let’s call a spade a spade, cruel. Yet at the time I could not see it. I had no true honoring of the upset and hurt I caused. I used deep denial to say that things happen, c’est la vie, etc. Over the years it began to gnaw at me. It grew to be my deepest regret for awhile (now I have an even more extreme regret, but that is another story and another place in which I must dive into the depths of self forgiveness). I couldn’t believe how blind I’d been, how cruel. For years I wanted to track him down and offer my profound remorse, to let him know I now realized what I’d done and intensely mourned my lack of compassion. Not being computer savvy, it took quite some time to track him yet I finally did. The minute we connected by phone, I started to cry. He must have wondered after not hearing from me for years, to have a crying woman on the phone. I told him how sorry I was and asked for his forgiveness. He gave it so easily and generously! He said we all make mistakes and he only thought of me with happy memories of the gift I was in his life. He shared with me how our lives together had given him an incredible treasure. He let me know that I had awaken his life to joy, fun and pleasure. He told me how much he loved that side of my personality. I am delighted and honored to have him back in my life. He gave me permission to celebrate him by revealing his name, Sig Askvik.

I can not tell you what a relief that was. I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I came back to my contrition after a delightful conversation. I asked him again, specifically, could he truly forgive me for my unkindness? I  asked him to stop and really think about it. He said yes. The boulder of blame rolled off my back.

Another interesting thing happened. I realized that the part of me he loves, the exuberant, flamboyant, wild, fun side has not really flourished in me for some time. I asked myself why and committed to reclaiming that part of myself I adore and have partially lost.

But more about forgiveness: this is a central concept in both Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery.  I have really had trouble with this concept. First I thought it was the usual forgiveness- you screwed up and me, out of my magnanimity will bestow forgiveness on you as a boon. Wrong. So gradually I understood intellectually what they meant. No matter what happens, I see no error. I may notice someone has missed the mark yet I have no feeling, no belief that anything should be different. Whoa, now that is a stretch! At least for me. So I have two situations lately I find unforgivable. One involves my daughter. I have worked and worked with it. Now, as I have said before, I get the cattle prod when I judge anyone. But, come on, I don’t get to judge anything!?!? No way. So, I recognize the judgment, I even cry about how impossible it feels to let it go. Intellectually, I know I have to, physically I know I have to because otherwise my body jolts me with very uncomfortable feelings. But I have not yet been able to let it go. Now I have another judgment too. I tell you I cursed the Universe, I cursed Love, I cursed the whole #)$%*$#)*%)$*%)$*%)#$*%)* planet when I saw I needed to accept the one that came up this week. I said no #@%$^%$^%^ way. There is no way I am going to go with this, I quit. I’m out of here, I’m done. Well, I couldn’t find any spaceships to take me away and Scotty keeps refusing to beam me up so.... What could I do? I sat in absolute misery and despair for a day and a half until the anguish was too great. So I began to ask the question. What the #@$#$ is this for, how can I possibly accept this, show me g...d d..m it! Show me, I refuse unless you show me. So I had my little temper tantrum. I am sure by now the neighbors are gathering a petition to ask me to quit having my shit fits outside as I curse and scream (we have 5 acres- hopefully they don’t really hear but believe me I stomp and shout). Miraculously, yesterday I came to a place of absolute peace and acceptance. For the first time, I truly understood forgiveness in an embodied way. It is absolutely accepting and EVEN EMBRACING the unacceptable, surrendering it to Mystery. It is always saying YES! to what is, it is a fervent faith that sees beyond what the eyes show. It is trusting that there is a force that knows better than us what is for our highest good. On my good days, this is an embodied faith that feels so indescribably yummy. On my bad days it is mission impossible. Yet when I am there, I see clearly for a thousand miles. I have a feeling tone of peace and joy. I live in a state of unconditional love that is blissful. I see the horse at the end of this pile of shit. It allows the situation in Japan to be as it is, offering support and compassion without losing faith and trust (this is a real hard one for me.) It embraces what is. Really, what else can I do? And the same is true for you. What do ya say, shall we live in faith together?