FORGIVENESS

The topic of forgiveness has been brewing in me for awhile. I had such a profound experience with it lately. I have a dearly loved boyfriend, Sigy,  I broke up with over 23 years ago. I did it in a horrible, thoughtless, inconsiderate way. At the time, I was in such denial that I called it being free and open. I was unbelievably neglectful and, let’s call a spade a spade, cruel. Yet at the time I could not see it. I had no true honoring of the upset and hurt I caused. I used deep denial to say that things happen, c’est la vie, etc. Over the years it began to gnaw at me. It grew to be my deepest regret for awhile (now I have an even more extreme regret, but that is another story and another place in which I must dive into the depths of self forgiveness). I couldn’t believe how blind I’d been, how cruel. For years I wanted to track him down and offer my profound remorse, to let him know I now realized what I’d done and intensely mourned my lack of compassion. Not being computer savvy, it took quite some time to track him yet I finally did. The minute we connected by phone, I started to cry. He must have wondered after not hearing from me for years, to have a crying woman on the phone. I told him how sorry I was and asked for his forgiveness. He gave it so easily and generously! He said we all make mistakes and he only thought of me with happy memories of the gift I was in his life. He shared with me how our lives together had given him an incredible treasure. He let me know that I had awaken his life to joy, fun and pleasure. He told me how much he loved that side of my personality. I am delighted and honored to have him back in my life. He gave me permission to celebrate him by revealing his name, Sig Askvik.

I can not tell you what a relief that was. I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I came back to my contrition after a delightful conversation. I asked him again, specifically, could he truly forgive me for my unkindness? I  asked him to stop and really think about it. He said yes. The boulder of blame rolled off my back.

Another interesting thing happened. I realized that the part of me he loves, the exuberant, flamboyant, wild, fun side has not really flourished in me for some time. I asked myself why and committed to reclaiming that part of myself I adore and have partially lost.

But more about forgiveness: this is a central concept in both Course in Miracles and Way of Mastery.  I have really had trouble with this concept. First I thought it was the usual forgiveness- you screwed up and me, out of my magnanimity will bestow forgiveness on you as a boon. Wrong. So gradually I understood intellectually what they meant. No matter what happens, I see no error. I may notice someone has missed the mark yet I have no feeling, no belief that anything should be different. Whoa, now that is a stretch! At least for me. So I have two situations lately I find unforgivable. One involves my daughter. I have worked and worked with it. Now, as I have said before, I get the cattle prod when I judge anyone. But, come on, I don’t get to judge anything!?!? No way. So, I recognize the judgment, I even cry about how impossible it feels to let it go. Intellectually, I know I have to, physically I know I have to because otherwise my body jolts me with very uncomfortable feelings. But I have not yet been able to let it go. Now I have another judgment too. I tell you I cursed the Universe, I cursed Love, I cursed the whole #)$%*$#)*%)$*%)$*%)#$*%)* planet when I saw I needed to accept the one that came up this week. I said no #@%$^%$^%^ way. There is no way I am going to go with this, I quit. I’m out of here, I’m done. Well, I couldn’t find any spaceships to take me away and Scotty keeps refusing to beam me up so.... What could I do? I sat in absolute misery and despair for a day and a half until the anguish was too great. So I began to ask the question. What the #@$#$ is this for, how can I possibly accept this, show me g...d d..m it! Show me, I refuse unless you show me. So I had my little temper tantrum. I am sure by now the neighbors are gathering a petition to ask me to quit having my shit fits outside as I curse and scream (we have 5 acres- hopefully they don’t really hear but believe me I stomp and shout). Miraculously, yesterday I came to a place of absolute peace and acceptance. For the first time, I truly understood forgiveness in an embodied way. It is absolutely accepting and EVEN EMBRACING the unacceptable, surrendering it to Mystery. It is always saying YES! to what is, it is a fervent faith that sees beyond what the eyes show. It is trusting that there is a force that knows better than us what is for our highest good. On my good days, this is an embodied faith that feels so indescribably yummy. On my bad days it is mission impossible. Yet when I am there, I see clearly for a thousand miles. I have a feeling tone of peace and joy. I live in a state of unconditional love that is blissful. I see the horse at the end of this pile of shit. It allows the situation in Japan to be as it is, offering support and compassion without losing faith and trust (this is a real hard one for me.) It embraces what is. Really, what else can I do? And the same is true for you. What do ya say, shall we live in faith together?