Well, that was fun while it lasted. A week of bliss, a day of gloom and doom, back in hell. Whoa, what a ride! Yesterday I was back in the soup for the evening. My body is now my vehicle of transformation. It doesn’t let me get away with nuthin’. O.K., here’s what throws my body into an absolute uproar of upset and anguish, as though my veins were flowing with an acid bath: any judgment of anyone or anything. It has been nine months since my body has allowed me to judge anyone or myself without a toxic reaction; now it has added judging any condition to the mix. If I judge any condition as not being acceptable, the acid starts to flow and I become a babbling idiot, incapable of thought or action. Pretty strong incentive to cool it. I guess Byron Katie, a important spiritual leader who wrote a book called, Loving What Is, would be proud of me. I either love what is or I get to suffer terribly. Yesterday I wasn’t loving what was and so my body did it’s thing and let me know that wasn’t going to fly.
I have spent the last 23 years healing myself of one belief, that I am separate from Love. What an adventure it has been; I have literally been around the world twice trying to escape that belief but it keeps doggin’ me, right on my tail. The latest offshoot I have discovered is that I don’t know how to hold myself, create a safe container for my own existence. In releasing that little puppy, I found myself recently slithering across the floor like a worm. My body was attempting to reveal to me how I sometimes feel inside, pointing the direction my healing needs to go. Ya gotta love it.
So. At this point I am down to one condition that I still am having a great deal of trouble accepting, what The Course in Miracles calls a grievance. My mind just won't let go of it, is a bulldog on a pork chop gnawing away on it. (Hey, what’s up with all the dog idioms- I have no clue.) I believe it so strongly, I’d hang on to it for dear life if it wasn’t for that pesky body. Every time I belief that condition is necessary for my happiness, the electric prod comes out and zaps me. Not pleasant. So as of yesterday, I did a ritual to free myself from that condition, to cut the cords that bind me, break those agreements and liberate myself. One of the hardest things I have ever done and very bitter sweet, yet soulful. I personally think I should get the Nobel prize for courage, along with just about everybody else I know. If not for that acid coursing through my body, I’d never have the chutzpah to do it. As they say in the movie Star Wars, resistance is futile. Does anybody else relate to what I am going through? I have been told by two people I respect deeply that my particular soul journey has an exceptionally steep learning curve so I never know if what I am experiencing is something others can relate to but what can I do, it is my life and thus the only thing I can comment on.
So yesterday I got caught in a huge wave of resistance. Here were my consequences. (Having a 10 year old child, I am often pointing out the consequences of certain behaviors but damned if it doesn’t hold for adults too.) I got so ungrounded I wanted to crawl out of my skin, my cold turned into bronchitis, I couldn’t think straight, I had to leave the Easter party early. I tried hiding in my bedroom, sitting outside in the freezing wind to rebalance and calling everybody and their mother to see if anyone had seen myself because I sure couldn’t find her.
So I woke up today promising to turn over a new leaf. I swear on my honor to surrender all conditions. So far, so good. Other than sleeping to 1 p.m. (let’s just say that is VERY untypical) my day is turning out rather well, by which I mean no acid is flowing and I am at peace. Not bad for a rainy Monday. I am finally learning to understand what all those bloody spiritual teachers are talking about when they say to surrender. I am ready to raise the white flag. The ironic thing is that when I do, I move myself out of puppet/slave status and find an incredible sense of expansion and fulfillment. Go figure.
I want to take time to express my gratitude to some people, especially those who have held my hand as I have ventured into the underworld. But I think I will do that in another blog. It feels good to have my head clear the clouds enough to write again.
An aside: You may have noticed I always obscure the details of my “story.”
I do this for two reasons; to protect other’s privacy and primarily because I notice that any attachment to my story, either how I came by such painful beliefs and inability to hold myself or how it is playing out now just causes further suffering and does no one any good. The details are actually insignificant, I have found.
My dear blog family, may your day be filled with ease, grace and joy. May you know the Love that you are. May you feel the unity.
I posted this blog on my other site and received a very tender response by someone who share my dilemma and asked how I handle the bouncing between heaven and hell. I decided to share some of my response here too:
ReplyDeleteYou voice all my doubts and, in fact, gave me the seed for my next blog. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. It is so challenging to see everyone else seemingly unaffected, having a good time without a care in the world while those of us focused on the "spiritual" side of our being are stuck in the morass of our own egos. I am so tempted to once again look outside myself for an answer or to stop and join the party of everyday life again. Yet I know deep within me that that would be a betrayal and I am no longer capable of doing that. I must go on. I too have a daughter- that does not allow me to choose any exit doors I might otherwise consider. I too have been challenged to my core and for the second time in my life wanted to quit the whole game. Yes we must keep the light alive inside, hold each other's hand and go on through the darkness that seems to have intensified. Yet it is the brighter light we are embodying that brings any remaining darkness out of the shadow. We must keep our faith and courage and not give up at the 11th hour. I feel deeply connected to you in this moment. You are not alone. WE are in this together.
What do I do to get through- everything! I wear three bracelets on my arm that were worn by the hugging saint Amma, I choose colorful underwear to cheer me up, I spend as much time in nature as I can, I hug as many people as I can, I offer support and love to those who cross my path, I pray, intend, meditate. These are the little things I do. The big things I do are a combination of CMR- the process Luis, the founder of this site developed - with two spiritual manuals for transformation- The Course in Miracles, and The Way of Mastery. Without these tools I wonder how I would have made it. The Way of Mastery is available through the Shanti Cristo Foundation. I teach courses combining these two tools. I work professionally using CMR. When I assisted Luis in edition his book I realized finally that it could be boiled down to two primary points- allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling, deeply, in your body. After that, investigate what false belief is at the source of your pain and change the belief. The hard part is changing the belief and that is where patience and persistence comes in.
I once taught a course called “Self Love is not for Wimps.” If I taught a new course I would call it “No Self is not for Wimps.” In the end, I have realized that what is required is to stop seeking- seeking implies lack- and start recognizing my own unlimited vastness. Not there yet but well on my way.