Has anyone else been feeling very ungrounded? For the last few day I feel like Alice in Wonderland- I don't know up from down. Or as my wasband put it, like an acid trip gone wrong. I was doing fabulous for almost a month and then made the mistake (just kidding) of going to a healer. Even though I was doing well, I thought I'd go for a tune up, especially as he tends to book out months in advanced. Well, maybe it was that but all I know is the last few days I became unglued. I allowed one of the biggest charges of my life Saturday to wash over me- back to my core issue- if someone special doesn't love me, I'll die. Now I thought I had that bad boy licked but apparently not. I was online when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I lay in the fetal position, sobbing, thinking monsters of terror would tear me limb from limb. I soon recognized I had reverted to one year old and was without love, in a pit and at that moment, my life really did depend on someone loving me enough to take care of my survival needs. Now those needs of mine were met beautifully as a child, just not the emotional needs to feel a love I could recognize as a sensate based being. That was missing and I have been searching for it ever since, usually in all the wrong places. The only place that can really fulfill it is the last place I looked and where my search continues to land me- inside. Now I have done tons of work but this took me down. I was very fortunate to be in connection with a trusted friend online and he held the space and then actually came up with an intuitive response that gave me the key to finding my way from the bottom of the pit. Perhaps if I get the energy I will transcribe it in a blog as it was a extraordinary example of a pain-body release process and unique in that it was captured in words as he kept sending me encouragement to stay with the terror I was feeling and I kept describing my moment to moment bodily experience of this primal wound being exposed and released from my cellular memory. My fingers felt like lead as I uncurled enough to type yet the sense of not being alone in the pit was a godsend for me to emerge from that wasteland.
Now I also had a huge charge Thursday about shame. I created a space with another group of trusted friends to release that shame through revealing it to witnesses, thus releasing the negative emotional charge still stored in my body. Then another little charge about not being good enough. Just a fun filled week. By Sunday I was slap happy and giggling uproriously. My daughter and I created a family mottos, "ya, do da everything good, eskimo. penguin in house." I think it fits us perfectly and we were rolling around laughing- it came from trying to translate a Dutch phrase- turns out it was not an exact translation.
Over the last little while I alternate between laughter and tears. It is midday and I would guess I have cried maybe 10 times today and I feel extraordinarily grounded and connected to myself. They are tears of joy, recognition, sorrow, grief, awareness, etc. They are tears of remembrance. I was at my embodidance class this morning. A song with the words "alleluia" was playing and I fell into a deep reverence for myself. I was stroking my own face as though I were the most precious infant, caressing myself with a tender touch of self adoration, giving myself the love I have been missing. It was beyond words and I felt again the delicious sense of homecoming. As I have gone through my day, I felt so present and connected. I had a meeting for my new job and because of all the emotions I have been processing, I wondered if I could regain any type of professional demeanor- it went wonderfully. I was totally present and authentic and could access my skills.
I am sitting on my deck at this moment. The wind is gently nudging one of my chimes. The sun basks me in its warmth. I hear my bunny thumping around the corner. I have passed through a virtual hurricane of energies and am now at peae. I know it is not over, i am not done. Yet at this moment I am choosing to love myself, exactly as I am, especially my adorable "flaws."
Now I also had a huge charge Thursday about shame. I created a space with another group of trusted friends to release that shame through revealing it to witnesses, thus releasing the negative emotional charge still stored in my body. Then another little charge about not being good enough. Just a fun filled week. By Sunday I was slap happy and giggling uproriously. My daughter and I created a family mottos, "ya, do da everything good, eskimo. penguin in house." I think it fits us perfectly and we were rolling around laughing- it came from trying to translate a Dutch phrase- turns out it was not an exact translation.
Over the last little while I alternate between laughter and tears. It is midday and I would guess I have cried maybe 10 times today and I feel extraordinarily grounded and connected to myself. They are tears of joy, recognition, sorrow, grief, awareness, etc. They are tears of remembrance. I was at my embodidance class this morning. A song with the words "alleluia" was playing and I fell into a deep reverence for myself. I was stroking my own face as though I were the most precious infant, caressing myself with a tender touch of self adoration, giving myself the love I have been missing. It was beyond words and I felt again the delicious sense of homecoming. As I have gone through my day, I felt so present and connected. I had a meeting for my new job and because of all the emotions I have been processing, I wondered if I could regain any type of professional demeanor- it went wonderfully. I was totally present and authentic and could access my skills.
I am sitting on my deck at this moment. The wind is gently nudging one of my chimes. The sun basks me in its warmth. I hear my bunny thumping around the corner. I have passed through a virtual hurricane of energies and am now at peae. I know it is not over, i am not done. Yet at this moment I am choosing to love myself, exactly as I am, especially my adorable "flaws."
No comments:
Post a Comment