love grows, messages of hope

This brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I am reading increased incidents of violent outburst. At the same time, I am reading so many touching acts of generosity and kindness. Which will we choose to focus on? I am even touch by the story of Lance Armstrong. My sense is that he is deeply confused, that he was given the subtle or overt message to win at any cost and now is genuinely perplexed that his actions have generated such antipathy. May we all be gentle with ourselves and each other as the ground beneath continues to shift and dissolve.

http://gma.yahoo.com/homecoming-surprise-tennessee-teen-200343676--abc-news-topstories.html

another sweet one:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/trending-now/dolphin-caught-fishing-line-approaches-divers-help-204937084.html

I read another story about a waiter who refused service to patrons who were complaining that a special needs child was in the restaurant with them. The waiter and the restaurant received hundreds of grateful calls praising his actions. I no longer have the link yet this story too tells me the tide has turned. Years, maybe even months ago, he might have been fired.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/waiter-refused-customer-becomes-hero-144638357--

I also read how politicians now can cry in public. In the 70's a politician's presidential run was destroyed by public tears. Thank God, now politicians get to be human.

http://news.yahoo.com/hillary-clintons-tearful-moment-benghazi-help-hurt-185100132.html

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/louisiana-police-officer-makes-mentally-disabled-teens-dream-230347077--abc-news-topstories.html 

following the line of energy

Dorothy, we are definitely not in Kansas anymore (wizard of Oz reference.) My energy field feels very different yet very good. Life is so much easier for me. I see triggers and somehow feel myself about to step on the bomb and am able to pull back and make another choice. As a silly example, my dear friend Karin wanted to get a photo I had taken and use it as her business card.  I had not yet downloaded my photos and was concerned about letting her use the memory card without having about five months of photos on my computer yet. I had been unable to download them for one reason and another. The day we were to do it, I felt an anxious drop in my stomach and I watched the story of lost photos and irritation begin to churn in my head. As I felt my body tighten, I made a conscious choice to change that story line, see everything going smooth, feel grateful I could help my friend and let go of my previous over attachment to my photos. I once had an absolute shit fit when on safari in Kenya because I missed a photo of some cheetahs playing. I was so freaked our driver stayed in the park after hours so I would calm down. Happily, it ended well as because of that we happened upon two ostriches doing a mating dance. That event was so visually stunning I remember it clearly to this day. O.K. back to my example. So this was a big deal for me. Yet it turned out exactly as rehearsed and all is well.

I am aware something is brewing in me about my relationship to my mother. It has to do with over giving and a false persona I first recognized last year. I don't really know clearly what it is about, yet since it rose to the surface again, I notice I know longer have the impulse to write here daily as I did for a number of months. The phrase that is coming to me is "I hear and I obey." I feel the energy within me and how it directs me to stay authentic. I listen and do as my inner energy directs. I have to separate myself from the past, from how I would have done things before and instead follow what is present moment to moment. So example, I am wanting to teach a conscious parenting class yet am not yet clear on how to proceed. The energy has not given me the go ahead so I wait, more or less patiently. 
I have the feeling that whatever is waiting to be uncovered within me, it will shift me dramatically once it becomes conscious and is released. I trust my inner being to surface it in Divine right timing. I am not digging for it or trying to analyze. I know my mother has been the untouchable holy grail for much of my life. My sister pinned a lot of her issues on my mom, yet I have done very little releasing around her, even though I know certain aspects of her personality were less than stellar examples of how to lead a fulfilling life. My loyalty to my mother for loving me deeply in her own fashion has been so profound that I have almost refused to look into this area of unconsciousness. It is time to know that releasing this charge that is holding me back is the best form of loyalty I can possibly show. To do anything less, is to dishonor the memory of my beloved mother Ann.

baby steps

I am going through an interesting shift and not feeling the urge to write. I am aware I am letting go of a part of me that I saw as essential to my identity and am only slowly recognizing how it has limited me. I am allowing time for this transformation to unfold.

I will copy a comment I made for a wonderful project listed below as some indication of where I am presently:

Thank you for clarifying your intent and the best way to support this wonderful project. Here are a few of the things I have noticed with Matangi’s assistance. First, my life long addiction to sugar significantly subsided and I have been able to eat in much great harmony with my body’s true needs. At the same time “ordinary” food has never tasted so delicious! I am aware of subtle flavors and my food which I use to consider boring now taste divine. I notice so much more peace and tranquility. I am able to stay out of ego drama ever more effortlessly. I can often watch a loved one make outrageous statements without reacting or needing to be right. As though I am a martial artist, I can merely step aside and let the energy pass. I notice my face is changing shape and that the corners of my mouth that used to always turn down, as both my parents’ did, are often in a half smile and remained more turned up. I feel more spacious and have been able to slow way down. I recognize how when I move fast, I lose presence so now I frequently can slow down enough to stay in the moment.
Family harmony is greatly increased. My animals (bunny and cat) are much more affectionate and want to be held more.
Everything appears in sharper focus and the light seems brighter to me. Everything seems so vivid. Little details delight me like the pores of my cat’s nose sparkling in the sunlight. I find it so delicious to be outside and soak in the warmth of the sun on my legs. The sounds of the birds can bring me to tears of joy.
Perhaps most of all the feelings of struggle and overwhelm that have plagued me all my life are dissipating. I feel increasingly at Home in myself. A few years ago I recognized how alien I felt on this planet and how I wanted Scotty to beam me up. Now I am happy to be here, to be me, to be alive. I am finally learning how to enjoy being embodied where as previously I avoided landing in myself. The feeling of homecoming moves me to tears.

These are a few of the things I am noticing and am so enchanted you are doing this. Some of the shifts have been ongoing in the last months yet they have been considerably heightened lately. Some, like the sugar and increased sense of taste and staying out of ego drama ever more effortlessly are particular to when Matangi began supporting us.
The oracle report helped ground me through the difficult times, letting me know I was not crazy or alone but right on target. What 
a pleasure to be able to give back!!

http://www.mahavidyaproject.com/

I came across this sweet post which I pass on:

http://aquariusparadigm.com/2013/01/19/meline-lafont-lady-portia-the-new-world-has-taken-its-first-babysteps-into-humankinds-hearts/

a key investment is the physical body

I have been noticing how self care has become more critical. I am witnessing in myself and other's that there is little wiggle room for self destructive behavior. It appears to me that the consequence of such behavior is increasingly costly. A number of people have spoken of similar challenges when they do not choose to do what is in harmony with their bodies best interest. I have an infection yet ate a lot of sugar over the holidays and continue to pay the price. I committed a week ago to cool it and am feeling very capable as previously it was so difficult for me to cut out some of my bad eating habits. I do not want to instill fear; I do want to point out something I am experiencing as increasingly essential. Check inside for your own truth. Here is today's morning blessing with the same message:

On the road to transformation, your best investment is your physical body. I 

know

many are operating within conservative budgets right now so I want to campaign 

for

some pampering on behalf of your biological field of intelligence which is 

working

overtime right now. Chiropractic adjustments, Rolfing sessions, massage and deep

 tissue work can be quite beneficial for strengthening your cellular and 

skeletal

components, balancing your emotions and stabilizing your electro-magnetic energy

 field especially during the first few weeks of change over. Be more mindful of 

your posture and how you use your body. Develop the habit of communicating with 

your body - slow down and express gratitude, breathe deeply to recharge your 

body

• and your investment will yield great rewards.

www.angelaperegoff.com

our hearts as guides

You see, so many are missing that the heart is like the fuel tank of your body. If you do not fuel your heart, if you do not allow your heart to feel, you become very quickly depleted and distressed and the nerve center of many human beings, the mind, starts to fray, starts to fragment, starts to become distressed. It starts to find things to feel that are wrong because the heart is being neglected. - The heart is the fuel tank, so fill it. Fill it with whatever makes your heart feel good. ~~Ziadora through Lee, from The Heart of Humanity and Energy Speaks  Lee Harris


Beloveds,

I read these words this morning and thought how true they are. I notice how erratic my behavior can be if my heart feels sore or empty. When I am at Home in my heart, I feel so expanded and everything I say and do feels exulted, true, authentic. I have been blessed with a sensitive heart, as so many of us are. Sometimes the pain of not being in touch with the Love that we are is so painful we will do anything to shut it down. This to me is the source of all addiction. Yet my heart is my true north and increasingly, as I open to the field of Love, my heart feels more fulfilled and honored. I still have big waves where I feel myself scrambling again for love or fulfillment outside myself, yet less often and less intensely. In this moment, I am experiencing such a wave. Yet I know the wave is finite, healing and not the ultimate Truth. I currently want to bemoan certain circumstances in my life, even while being able to witness how they have served my growth. I am able to witness a loneliness arising, even while with a loved one. Luckily I have cleared enough beliefs and personal lies to not fall fully into the trap. I sense this is just another wave, leading me to greater liberation so I allow it to pass, feeling it, cringing a bit but overall staying in witness. I find one of the best antidotes for such loneliness is to send love around the globe, as I do as a daily practice. I literally feel my chest expanding as I increase the field of love around me. It feels so good in the expansion mode, uncomfortable as duality plays out and I contract. Yet I am learning to be at peace with both side while I live in this human body. I send you such Love, my Beloveds. May it enter and fill your hearts.

soul agreements

I have been contemplating soul agreements for some time, amazed at the intricacy of the scripts that often play out in service to our healing, particularly when we set powerful intentions for transformation. I am still stunned at the way the dissolution of my marriage compelled so many subconscious patterns to the surface, forcing a massive transformation. 

I am writing this today because I find it very useful to be aware of when these agreements are playing out. Having enough altitude to recognize these agreements and witness repeatedly how they ultimate are vitally instrumental in restoring us to wholeness, allows me to become more neutral and forgiving when these uncomfortable patterns arise.

A loved one and I have a very momentous soul agreement. Her Leo/lion often has tangles with my Tarsus/bull energy for some fairly intense entanglements. Over the years they have diminished in frequency and strength yet are still significant. Recently high drama ensued with a seemingly unfortunate consequence. (As always I speak in general terms as I find it easy to be an open book yet my loved ones are much more private and I respect their preferences. In addition, I find these tell all portrayals shaming and not the ideal way to heal.) It certainly got my attention and brought my control issue to the fore. Throw in my “guru girl” spiritual ego and we have an unfortunate combination it is time for me to heal at a deeper level. I have been aware of my control issues for many years and see how it ties deeply to my father. My father died years ago so I feel more comfortable speaking about his influence on me. For me, my dad was an absolute authoritarian figure who instilled terror in me. I learned the belief that either I was controlled or I assumed control. I chose the later to the misfortune (seemingly) of those close to me. Yet I know they have their own soul agreements and thus I play a part in helping them heal their victim pattern or whatever their issue may be.

This latest example a week ago stopped me in my tracks and I said ENOUGH! My filter is now scanning for my controlling, “holier than thou” behavior and it is not pretty. Yet I do not judge myself, rather I have deep compassion as I know how overpowering my conditioning was. Yet I am unwilling to allow it to continue. I have set an ardent intention to clear out this pattern for the last time. The main way I am doing this is by zipping it (my mouth) when I feel myself about to tell this person what is best. Huge amounts of conditioning by my family and society feel like they are burying me in the command to take control. It literally feels like this person is in danger if I do not direct her actions. I physically feel the weight of the conditioning; that awareness is gained through years of meditation that allows me to observe myself and my reactions. I feel agitation arise in my gut, my stomach clenches and my jaw tightens with the effort to keep it shut. My mind races, screaming DANGER!! Yet I have developed enough self control through years of training to not act on these energies, rather to witness them. Yes, it takes concentration. Yet when I surrender to an awareness, an Intelligence that is able to see the big picture, miracles ALWAYS ensue. I was so sure I knew best, yet three separate seemingly miraculous solutions have arisen to resolve what I perceived as dangerous situations in a totally unexpected manner. You’d think by now I’d get use to it, yet my mouth is often hanging open, going “huh?!” I am slowly developing more trust which makes it easier to surrender the next time. The solutions are so elegant and so unforeseen. Ya gotta love it! Perhaps you may want to review your life to see if you can begin to witness the patterns playing out and the characters you’ve assigned certain roles to help bring those patterns to awareness and, ultimately, to transformation and healing. It’s kind of like a good detective novel. For me, it is getting to be almost fun and certainly endlessly fascinating. As always, the feelings of peace and liberation are so worth the price of admission. Want to play with me? Feel free to comment on any patterns you recognize or need assistance with.

p.s. About 10 minutes after writing this blog, I got caught arguing with someone else's ego. I did not feel very reactive but mildly annoyed and hurt. We both pull back and within minutes I realized my error was in listening the voice of her ego as though it spoke the truth. My ego spouts a bunch of nonsense and this person is great at ignoring it. I need to learn the same skill. At least I didn't go toe to toe but it was a close call not to fall into major drama. Yea for presence!! Yea for awareness and clarity!

http://www.nicolyachristi.com/uncategorized/antagonists-adversaries-our-evolutionary-teachers

a favor

I added the revolving globe as it delights me to know where my blog family lives yet unfortunately many viewers and countries are not registering, such as Ireland, Malaysia, Russia and so on. I don't know why I am so curious yet I am aware that seeing all those little Lights and knowing the field of Love we can jointly create if we intend to, feels so magnificent to me. My dreams of dialogue and discussion have never materialized yet if any of you would be willing to say the town and country you are from in the comments, I would LOVE it!!