disappointment and successful stack attack

Oracle report called today an energetic hangover and boy have I felt it. I had trouble sleeping last night and actually end up taking some herbs. When I woke up first I had two major insight about why I was feeling such disappointment with 12/21. No, I did not expect to wake up in heaven yet several things I had read had given me the idea I would wake up with significantly more ease and perhaps beyond duality? I had read that if one devoted themselves to the task of helping others awaken, one would be given a Divine dispensation of some sort. That was my only real expectation and yup, I am disappointed. Far from it, on the evening of 12/21 I had a sneak stack attack and fell for it with the ole hook, line and sinker. I experienced rage and even a smidgeon of hated. Whoa, the last thing I expected to feel on the sacred 12/21. What took me aback was that witness mode was very active, I remembered to see the other person as acting from frightened parts of their personality and yet I saw I was not willing to get off it. I felt very justified in my rage and even hatred. Rather humbling for guru girl, a name someone gave me that I love as it so accurately captures my shadow.
Very humbling to say the least. Far from beyond duality, I was stuck right in the middle of it and not even repentant!! What an eye opener. I read some blogs latter where many were disappointed, especially those who saw ascension as going to a physically new place in an embodied way. Now that was never my expectation in the slightest so no worries there. Yet I did expect more than I realized to be lifted internally beyond all this sh*t. I realized in the night that I was attempting to stuff my disappointment. Ironically that is what I sense cause the domestic explosion in the one who targeted me with their seething criticism that sent me spinning. Someone recently looked at a post I did a few months ago about disappointment and I reread it. Here we go again. Same old, same old. Yup, what's a girl to do? AGAIN?*&^^%$#@@$%&(expletive, expletive) Allow it. I dove into it again. Then I reached for my Way of Mastery and what did I find? The miracle I was waiting for was a chimera. At the same time, the miracle is at hand. It is only a perception away. Then I felt justified in my rage, I was denying my limitless nature that can never be harmed. I was buying that another's behavior could wound me. Is that true? On the surface absolutely. Someone says something hurtful and I am hurt. Yet it is my direct experience that often people say incredibly hurtful things and it has zero impact on me. So what was different here? I bought the package! I bought the words. I did not see! I gave my own freedom away. So I can feel like a victim and project blame or I can see what frightened parts of my personality are telling me and heal that misperception. Yea, I am bummed that thus far I have not gotten my Divine dispensation and that I got caught by another stack attack. Yet when I look closely I know that stack attack is just a name that sounds funny yet is a little dangerous. The word attack is how I actually  felt, attacked. In fact, the stackers are allies working hard to point out where I have bought the lie of myself as limited. They are very clever friends doing a rather thankless job. So I better come up with a new name maybe, stack got my back? Stack to unrack? Stack to show the lack? I think that works better. The stackers show me where I believe in lack. Yes, I have an energetic hangover, yes I am disappointed. Yes, I got caught in ego several times today. Yes, guru girl doesn't like it. So back to the drawing board, digging deeper until i REALLY get Who I am, the Truth no one can diminish or touch. Until then I guess the stackers have their work cut out, showing me where I still get lost in lack. oh well. 

love or fear? the new epoch

Beloveds,

I just finished my 10 a.m, mediation and some things came through to share. The mediation was beautiful and I felt an intense sense of forgiveness and healing regarding my father Joseph Hanson. His rage was the source of my anxiety and overwhelm yet in the meditation I only saw the soul agreement. I saw how he played a very difficult role to help me wake up. I had tears of release and gratitude. I called in all those that have or had a big role in my life. I blessed my mother Ann and gave thanks to all my loved ones, friends, teachers and mentors.

I got a clear message: love or fear. These times will test us to see what we are committed to. The interesting thing about this new epoch is the speed with which the fruits of our actions will blossom. Choose fear, anger, separation and it will be  uncomfortable. Choose love and it will be a homecoming feeling that resonates deliciously. When we choose love all that is not love will come forward for healing. DON'T BE AFRAID! Trust this is perfect. If you choose love, do one thing today. COMMIT!!!

When you commit the Universe will swoop in with all the resources necessary for you to realize your choice. You don't need to know how. Trust. Simply choose and commit. I guarantee if you do so, the Universe will take care of the details, Unseen guides will delightedly provide so much support and gently lay the path before you. My darlings, merely choose and watch the miracles slowly begin to unfold. Yes, it is not for the faint of heart yet this is no longer an elective course, it is a required course. The time of unity and love is now here and demands we align with the energies of love if we wish to live in peace and harmony. Remember, the choice is yours.

12/21/12 beyond duality

Beloveds,

We have arrived! The new epoch of peace, love and unity has begun and we are alive to see the dawning of a this new era!!! I awoke to the miraculous sunrise displayed like A French impressionist painting with the most surreal golden light; and this on an otherwise rainy day! 

Luckily I had dumped my expectations some time ago. Otherwise I may have been disappointed not to wake up in Heaven hearing harp music! I needed that vision of this date to carry me through the dark years, to pull me ever forward. I had to believe I would wake up this day with all my problems resolved and life handed to me on a golden platter. I know some people were still holding that vision even yesterday and maybe they did wake up in heaven. I had a new image of this day that seems to be accurate for me. It is a day where duality is no longer necessary yet will play out to ever greater extremes until it dies away. The headline that popped up as I opened my computer Merlin said the NRA has called for armed police in every school. Yea, there is the answer. I had my hopes up that they would see the opportunity to end violence rather than perpetuate it but oh well. At the same time I just read this headline that lift my heart: 

‘Layaway angels’ pay strangers’ balances

At Kmart alone, anonymous donors have paid off over $100K 
in balances this holiday season.

My deep sense is that these times will indeed see duality become ever more glaringly obvious. Yet I am not disappointed in the least. (o.k., a little bit. I still like my fantasy of rainbows, unicorns and harps everywhere and brother embracing brother.) I am not disappointed because I see I am now in a place where I can end duality within myself and choose only love. I know this same choice is available to everyone. I know that in time everyone will see that choice and that I am meant to be one who supports others in seeing that choice. I am not there now yet closer than ever. Yesterday gave me two blatant examples of that choice. First thing in the morning I bought the separation game when an old trigger played out and I got my own resentment flung right back in my face. Having that example fresh I was able to avoid stepping in the poo when another old trigger raised up with even more charge. I felt irritation arise and a deep sense of unfairness yet this time I tamed it by breathing deeply and asking to see the situation differently, to be able to see peace instead. I dialed it down and was rewarded with the peace I sought. The choice is now available to me and ever more obvious. My great knowing is that in time everyone will see the choice between love and fear and choose love.

My life has changed dramatically since last Friday when with my healer's help, I freed my body of much of the tendrils of overwhelm locked in my cellular memory. I see clearly how this theme dominated my life. The sense of anxiety and overwhelm had been so profound for so much of my life that to be in my body was so damn uncomfortable I did anything avoid it. Part of that was armoring myself with fat. It was another key aspect of my personal core false self image. I saw myself as a person with a sensitive nervous system (true and wonderful) yet doomed to a life of needing to control my environment to reduce overwhelm (totally false and a personal lie I had to release to be free.) I learned to enter extraordinary peace through meditation and stillness, basically through exiting my body. Exercise has been very difficult for me to motivate myself to do as it pulled me back into that maelstrom of physical unease that was such a constant companion. Over the years I had healed myself of the anxiety yet the nagging overwhelm still trapped me in a very unpleasant physical experience in my body. If I wasn't overwhelmed in the moment, I was trying to plan and strategize how to avoid it in the future. It was only some weeks ago that I really understood that I was not a victim of this and I could literally dump the whole thing. Prior to that I considered it unavoidable and my unfortunate fate. It took many years to unravel the way my false understanding was victimizing and limiting me. I needed to understand that it was illusion based on nothing real, that my nervous stem could respond totally differently to the same stimuli that previously would have flipped me out, that I could be totally neutral in my body no matter what was happening in my environment, that my nervous system could be at peace in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES!!  WHAT A MIND BLOWER!! To be free of that constant scanning and need for control is bliss and worth the price of admission. I did not need anything further from this auspicious 12/21. 

So waking up feeling nothing special was not discouraging. Over the last few nights I would wake up extremely hot, maybe it was karma burning? Otherwise I have not noticed anything too much out of the ordinary. I trust in time the love, peace and budding joy will continue to flourish albeit without fireworks. The sense of intimacy, connection, love is so delicious that every taste fortifies my commitment to see this to the end where I return home to my own essence as love on a permanent basis. Until then, I plan to enjoy the ride. I hope you will too!

How is your life better than it was? What egooo have you released?

Got a major incoming message I am being told to get out. Take time today or tomorrow to look at what shifts have occurrred in your inner world. How have you changed internally? What charges have you released? I am getting it is very important to take note of any shifts in your internal landscape. I only have a little time now but I will take my own medicine and begin to report what I have witnessed. I will probably update this more later. So here is what I know has changed for me:

-NOT BEING OVERWHELMED MOST OF THE TIME!!
-NOT ANTICIPATING BEING OVERWHELMED SO MUCH IN THE FUTURE
- having almost no judgment or blame
- so much more inner space and harmony
- much more alive relationships
- incredible connection, intimacy and cooperation with my daughter
- ability to see what is going on for others almost without effort
- great relationship with wasband
- having so much more compassion when others are caught in frightened parts of their personality
- 90% of what use to flip me out now doesn't impact me one iota
- an almost continuous peace and spaciousness that is familiar yet new
- strong self love
- no need for another to love me
- no charge on gifts/presents!!! this is huge after 20 years of effort to release this I did it!!!!!! I'm o.k. not getting presents (so now of course I get more than ever.)
- not seeking love outside myself
- strong appreciation of my own worth
- completely changed eating habits
- healthier than ever
- balancing my masculine and feminine side
- able to handle things going wrong with house/car and trusting I can do it
- strong boundaries
- more order
- able to speak my truth with no hesitation
- able to speak up to dominating men
- rarely anxious
- so much more compassion
- wonderful interactions with strangers
- amazing conversations with lots of people
- willing to exercise
- no longer feel the need for a teacher
- look within for answers
Holy smokes I can't belief this list, what a good idea to write it down and see how much has changed!
- feeling occasionally limitless
- sensing my true power
- catching duality quicker
- passing through stack attacks without a reaction
- little hammers my nervous system
- able to be in crowds
- able to listen to music again
- able to get more done than I ever have in my life
- more direct
- more centered


O.K. my loves, all for now. P.S. I can still be thoughtless or inconsiderate but less and less!!!

today's oracle report also has a sweet, right on message!:
http://oraclereport.com       Thursday Dec. 20th

12/21/12 some musing and a game plan

I don’t know exactly what to say about 12/21/12. I only know that it is good and very, very good. I know that we are entering a world that will be grounded in love, peace, joy, connection, fairness and harmony.  I know that the reign of hatred, separation, fear,  greed, destruction and corruption is completing itself after such a long time of terror and the misuse of power. I know that we can all access the energies of home within ourselves. I know that it takes courage to dive in to our physical experience when the demons of illusion arise. I know it is necessary to do so. I have to stay away from all the hype, all the predictions, all the fear. 

The other day my energy was truly extraordinary. If you have seen the movie Limitless you will have some sense of how I felt. Do you remember how quick his mind and how infinite his clarity was? I did feel limitless and oh so powerful. Lately I have the vision of myself as a might oak tree under which many can shelter for nourishment and encouragement.

This last week has just been mildly choppy with silly little issues pulling me off balance. Usually I can regain my center rather quickly. I don’t feel fabulous yet I sometimes feel a gentle joy and I always feel a deep sense of connection to MYSELF. I have stopped reading anything that tells me how it will be on that auspicious day. I imagine some will feel stress, some will feel a gentle joy, some bliss, some upset, some nothing. It doesn’t really matter. Know that whatever you feel or don’t feel is perfect. You are right where you are meant to be. All is well. Trust the process as best you can. Remember to clean, clean, clean. Whatever happens, it is a very significant shift, an ending and a beginning. One door is closing as we open to a new dimension, a new reality. That reality will not be filled with either angles or devils. We will not be purely in heaven with harps because of this new age. There will be many wonderful experiences and states of being. That does not mean the challenges are over. Far from it. It means a new space within us is now available for some of us to be at choice, not to react rather to allow without friction whatever arises. Now that is something worth aiming for.
Below is a post I found useful with some specific ideas on how to maximize the energies of the shift on 12/21/12. I included them for those of you that feel better with a game plan. Below that post is some instructions for a ritual I did last week and will do again on the 21st. I include information for a local fire circle, given by Max, that you can replicate in your own way. See if any of this resonates for you.

I now know we are moving into our essences of Love. If that truth is the furthest thing from your being, feel free to bother my faith. I KNOW!!!!

lovely radio show with Jim Self and Lee Harris outlining the new age:

http://www.awakeningzone.com/Episode.aspx?EpisodeID=1708

and blog about ways to maximize the energy of the day:

http://the2012scenario.com/2012/12/archangel-michael-detailed-instructions-for-dec-21-2012-and-after/

On the day in question, yes, and I do refer to the 21st for you and for your family, I wish you to relax, and I wish you to be as much as possible in a state of meditation, not deep meditation, but a state of alignment, where you are aware of what is transpiring around you, but that you are also aware of what is transpiring within your field, within your being, meaning your body, and within your heart.

So what I am suggesting to thee is that it is not a day for a great deal of external distraction. To be in sacred space, either by yourself or with your beloved, or with a circle, a small circle, of your beloved friends, but it is need to be in a situation where you are able to sit down, lie down, do what you need to do. We would ask you to pay attention. If you are going to do the specific deeper meditations, this is what I am asking.

From 10:01 to 11:11, in the morning, your time, lie or sit in meditation position so your chakras are all opened and aligned. Feel and see, visualize — it does not matter; it will come — that the beam of white light directly from the heart of the Mother/Father/One is coming down right through the central sun, down through your crown, right through your body, exploding in your heart and opening your true heart awareness.

And when that is happening, you wish to keep it open. Now, in the days that you are preparing for this, you are also allowing your grid to become lighter, more ignited, more connected, more united with everything, which is instructions I have given you in other conversations. But for you, for your personal practice, because you are ready to receive this in a very conscious kind of way, that is my instruction.

Eat very light that day. I do not mean don’t eat, but simply eat in ways that are not challenging to your physical body, to your digestion. Green is always the color of choice, because it is of the love.

But I have a second request of you.

SB: That’s fine.

AAM: It is to bathe yourself in blue, and it is starting today, and it is through the end of the year. Simply feel that you are bathed, the air around you, your clothing — which is not a problem — but even the water, when you take a bath, that you are literally being bathed and caressed in my blue.

This is also the energy not only of communication but of calm and of change. So you are bringing that energy through on our platform, in your personal relationships, in your partnership. So stay in the blue.

Now, you may feel the 20th, the 21st, the 22nd, you may feel some sense — well, you will feel, and we have not talked a great deal about this in the public forums, but perhaps we should — you will feel a sense of disconnection and disassociation. Not severe, not “Where am I? Who am I? What am I doing?” but certainly a sense of disassociation, almost as if you have taken either some plant or chemical hallucinogen, not that severe, but a sense of, “Oh, I am seeing things very differently. I am in a different process.”

Even your movements, you may feel like you’re moving through air as if you are moving through water. Do not worry about it. It is the adjustments and attunements, as you are firmly anchoring in a different dimension.

Now, I have asked you to stay and turn out the lights, as it were, but I am not asking you to stay and be part of the holographic Earth, for you are needed elsewhere, dear heart! We have much to do!

So stay connected through the beginning of the 21st. See who is collecting around you. Bring them with you, cherish them, and then turn out the light.

SB: Collect them around me physically, Lord, or…

AAM: No….

SB: … in spirit?

AAM: … ethereally, visually.

and a further idea which was part of the ritual I did last week; I highly recommend speaking or writing down how you would like to feel in the new age, what you would like your life to look like. fill it with detail and evoke as much emotion as possible as that will act like a magnet. do this after the release process I used and will use again on the 21st. My friend Max wrote this about the fire circle she will host that night, the same process I used. If gives an excellent sense of how to release what is no longer beneficial through the fire elemental:

The Mayan Calendar & December 21st 2012: Last Saturday night, the Sacred Fire Community hamlet in Tepoztlan, Mexico had the privilege of receiving an audience with Grandfather Fire. During the audience, Grandfather spoke about the significance of December 21st and 22nd, which are indicated on the Mayan calendar as the end of the 5th sun and birth of the 6th sun. Grandfather's counsel was to come together as a community, to close the 5,000 year cycle that ends on the solstice with a special fire with particular ceremonies detailed below. This fire will go all night long though you are of course free to come or go at any time, and people are encouraged to receive together the new sun at dawn on the 22nd. He mentioned that to end well produces a good beginning, and that we needed to focus on finishing the cycle well. That the best thing for this very special occasion is to come together as a community around a sacred fire, so we can first let go of what we each want to release through the transformational capacity of the fire, and then celebrate the new. He then recommended that people gather again on the night of the 22nd around the fire to celebrate with warmth and joy the arrival of the 6th sun and a new era...

The focus of this fire will be contemplating what we want to give up from the old cycle. We'll write down on paper what we want to release, to flush away, from this cycle. This can be personal problems or conflicts, but it could also be things of the world during this epoch, such as war and acts of violence and destruction that have been present for many years... You can also throw into the fire substances that have caused addiction.

Failed stack attack and being free of anticipatory overwhelm

I have been more busy in the last weeks then ever before so have had little chance to check in. A few days ago the stackers (universal forces designed to help us wake up from illusion, from the dream of separation) were working overtime on my case. They threw one challenge after another with a few upsets to top it off and I didn’t fall for it!!!!!!  Can you imagine the sense of liberation? As I was picking up my daughter from school, I shook my fist at the sky and yelled, “Nice try but forget it! I ain’t falling for your tricks today.” OMG did that feel good. I laughed uproariously. I felt like I had just graduated with a Ph.D. from the school of separation into the knowledge of unity.

The next day I was caught in spin mind again. I was racing like I was Parnelli Jones ( a famous race car driver).  I was officially flipped out. I had to sit in silence and attempt to pull my scattered pieces into some type of functional whole. It wasn’t pretty. Yet later in the day I was blessed with a session with my healer Doug Mitchell (fabulous healer if you are in the area.) He pulled some crude off me and seems to have released the last remnants of the pattern that has limited me big time all my life, OVERWHELM. I knew that anxiety and overwhelm had crippled me in very significant ways. I also knew that anticipatory overwhelm had limited me in countless other things. I always had the fear of being overwhelmed in the back of my mind, waiting to pounce with the slightest invitation. So no matter what I did it lurked there and robbed me of joy. I could not really relish my own experience as that fear remained either active or underground. After the session I felt like I had been reborn. I got to experience what it felt like to be in a body without anxiety, without overwhelm, without the anticipatory fear of overwhelm. It feels wonderful. I was able to prepare for my ritual gathering with such pleasure, delighting in lighting the candles, cooking the soup, each element of my preparation. I am now on my the third day of feeling like this and is as though I have entered a new world. No wonder I never wanted to move. When I am still, I am often able to stay in peace. Movement had often triggered overwhelm. So of course I wanted to avoid being present to my body’s experience. I told Doug I wanted to simply enjoy being in my body. I have had glimmers at my Nia class, in other dance classes and always in the water. I use to love to dance and my nick name was the dancing Hanson. Yet I slowly lost my joy in body movement until I felt like a prisoner encased in a shell of empty discomfort. Almost my entire adult life has been about the attempt to free myself. Imagine my triumph to finally arrive  free of limitation, at least in this moment; such a sense of exhalation!

Today I took a walk after working straight through for almost six hours, while fasting and after joyfully wrapping the last Christmas presents. That I did it at all after such a busy day is a miracle. Savoring the crunch of my footsteps on gravel, smelling the damp earth, marveling at the pink tinged sky I basked in my walk rather than it feeling like a boring, unpleasant required task. Ah such a shift. Such delicious presence.

The stackers had another go at me yesterday throwing up one of my favorite triggering events and I didn’t even blink! I stayed neutral and even compassionate. My body did not react in the slightest. How can I describe the sense of freedom, of liberation? I can’t really. Yet if you are willing to allow your own experience, dive into the discomfort, question your false beliefs then I know you won’t have to wonder what it feels like. You’ll know.

beautiful community prayer

You are such a part of my community that I feel called to share this prayer from another part of my community. Also I am doing a ritual today at 5 p.m. PST releasing all that no longer serves and setting our intent for life on the new earth, an earth that can and will sustain love. I have read that this may be the most significant week on the planet with so many opportunities for healing. If you wish to join in our ritual from afar, please post what you wish to release and I will print and burn it. If you wish I can also read your intentions out to our group. Do as your heart dictates. Let yourself feel what you feel and be guided by the incredible wisdom stored in every cell of your being. So much love for all of you.

Dear community, Please come join me in pausing each hour, on the hour, as often as you can (even if just once, for a couple of minutes) to spread the light of healing today and all weekend. Such tragedy today in Connecticut! What a deep wound this has created for many. My heart aches for the loss of life, those families and communities directly impacted, and for all of us in this world who can feel the collective pain, the sadness, the grief. I believe we are all connected. I believe that we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. I believe that authentic love ignites on the inside, and moves out, not the other way around. I believe that if we spread that love, in whatever form it takes for us, it can inspire the ignition of authentic love in another. I believe war begins inside of the heart. This war in the heart turns outward to make war, horrible, destructive, ugly war on our partners, our friends, our loved ones, on people "not like us", on other countries, and yes, war on a little school in Connecticut. I believe this is a pivotal time for this planet, one where we can consciously choose to heal ourselves, our nations, the oceans, the atmosphere, the world. I believe it is always a choice, and that we do chose each moment, whether consciously or unconsciously. We make a choice between love or fear. It is that simple. Love or Fear. I believe that days like today can be the wake up call to love even more. So, will you join me!? Even if just once and for a couple of minutes. Beginning at 4:00 pm PST today, every hour, on the hour, I will stop for 15 minutes to light candles and meditate. I will allow myself to feel the pain, lean into it and not run from it, breathe in all that pain and war right into my heart, allow it to transform to love and peace, and then send it out, release healing to all the dark corners of our planet. I'll end at 12:15 after midnight tonight, to begin a new day, in faith and trust, and in love. Upon arising, I will continue...throughout the weekend. Please invite others to do the same. I love you. I might not know you. But I love you. Toi Lynn