HOME

I had an exquisite experience today. A lot of things led up to it and have spun off from it. Yet the moment itself glistens like a precious jewel. I was feeling very emotional. My daughter didn't get out of bed until minutes before we needed to leave for school. The roads were frosty. A warning light came on in my car. Then a beautiful buck leaped from a bush as we rounded a steep curve. I slammed on the brakes, sending my daughter and her backpack flying but seemingly only giving the deer a glancing blow. I burst into tears and couldn't stop. My daughter asked why. "Because I don't like to hurt things," I heard myself say. In that moment a rush of awareness flooded me and it was as though every hurtful thing I had ever done surged back to me. Such sadness and grief.

Then I was at my embodidance class and felt inauthentic with every gesture. I couldn't find my true moves, even with my eyes closed. My body jangled with every false step. My image in the mirror repelled me. And then we went around the circle with each woman following our moves. I felt awkward until it was my turn. Then this purity flowed through my body, connecting me to the universe, to the gods, to Truth. I felt the nectar seep through my body in welcome. Tears sprang to my eyes and I felt a sense of being home, of belonging I can not possibly put into words.   My hands soared into the heavens, lifting my spirits.

The homecoming flitted in and out of me. I assumed it was a private moment until a woman thanked me after class, telling me how she too felt connected to the Goddess, to the celestial spheres through imitating and witnessing my movement. Her words dovetailed my experience and showed me we had been truly joined in that moment. Again tears sprang to my eyes with a sense of intimate connection. The moment seems distant now in time and space yet stands as an oasis of awakening and remembering a homecoming that made everything and everyone precious and dear, especially myself. I was HOME after such a long time in the wilderness. I was home.

I am not my body

Until a few years ago, I lived with debilitating anxiety. It wasn’t until I was in my forties that I even realized I had anxiety. I was getting licensed as a therapist and still had no clue I was anxious perhaps because I had never NOT been anxious in my conscious awareness. Only after some energy work done in response to a different matter did I come to know the state of non- anxiety. What an eye opener. I realize now that anxiety has been one of my greatest teachers. In order to keep anxiety at bay, I have spent years doing healing work, shifting my beliefs, allowing resonances to move through my body when they arise and so on. Yet anxiety has limited me in many ways, kept me out of crowds or noisy environments, kept my world small in some ways, kept me scanning and trying to control my world to prevent anxiety producing situations.

Then a few years ago I healed enough and experienced almost a year without anxiety. As the energy on the planet heated up, I would have bouts of anxiety again. So I would dig deeper, releasing whatever was required. Until July of this year. As we dove into the second half of the ninth and final wave of the Mayan calendar, a new dynamic reared its ugly head- impersonal anxiety, world anxiety, light increase anxiety, in other words, anxiety over which I had absolutely no control or seemingly no way to shift. Believe me when I tell you I freaked out when I first understood what was happening. I panicked, wondering how long it would last. Fortunately, it was only about a week. It has arisen again and again, usually in a pattern that related to the calendar. I learned to allow it without major terror until a few weeks ago. 

At that time the pressure on my body intensified, becoming extreme anxiety, the pressure squeezing my body in a vise like compression. I knew my beliefs and thoughts were affecting it so I didn't even call it anxiety- I am only doing so here to simplify what I am trying to say. Nothing seemed to diminish it, including a week at a spa with hot mineral springs. YIKEES! The only belief I could locate with this energy was the fear that it would never end and that I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like it would blow me apart. I had no clue what to do and was spiraling downward. I told myself over and over, I am not my body yet it was an empty thought with no reality to it. Until about a week ago. I was at my Way of Mastery group and one of the other students told me I had to surrender it. Well, the only other time I truly surrendered something was my marriage when I also came to the end of my ability to tolerate the suffering and pain of not surrendering. That radical surrender lead to two days of bliss and seeing angels before I dropped back into the bog. I realized my fellow student was absolutely right. I also was blown away by something my teacher said. He said that every movement, thought, gesture, word we make, think, speak declares our identity- are we moving, speaking thinking as the ego or as the Divine? Somehow that statement was the epiphany that led to a paradigm shift. I got it. I got that each morning I had been waking up and my first, or as he called it, sponsoring thought was “Oh shit.” I woke up fearing the pressure in my body, I woke up feeling absolutely limited by what happened in my body. I was defining my identity by what was occurring in my body. I surrendered deeply and woke up the next morning, sincerely (as opposed to by rote) declaring my unlimitedness, my Identity as a child of God. What a difference.

It is now a week later and so far so good, I have definitely had some tension but I have not slipped into that panicked terror. That first day I watched every thought, word and deed as much as possible. I was able to score about 85% showing up as Spirit rather than as limited, as just a body. And boy am I committed! There is nothing like acute suffering to ensure an irrevocable commitment. Way of Mastery calls it being “vigilant for the kingdom.” This pain sure got my attention and I am more than willing to remain vigilant. I no longer am willing to let my sloppy thoughts torture me, I am no longer willing to ignore my unlimitedness. Let’s just say I am highly motivated. The other thing this is forcing me to do is examine all they ways I try to control life and now choose surrender instead. (yes, I know, easier said than done.)

Yesterday I was given a new practice that is helping me. The second I feel myself slip into fear of any sort, I notice it and choose to trust and let go in the moment. I remember when I first realized what it would take to truly wake up. It felt like mission impossible- take TOTAL dominion of my consciousness!?!?, take TOTAL responsibility for every thought, feeling, word and deed- no way Jose. Let me tell you after this I am willing to do whatever it takes. Still seems a smidge daunting but I got say “yes, way.” O.K.?

sponsoring thought

I am playing with busting one of my core self images- seeing myself as limited and incapable. There are two situations which I had been allowing to bury me. I could see no solution and was freaking. One was with the pressure on my body as I will post in a blog I have almost finished. The other doesn't even matter as the point is WHO AM I? Am I this sniveling, fearful, exhausted bag of bones hoping to survive these times? (O.K. yes, that is who I often have taken myself to be lately, waking up with the first thought, "oh no, another day, how will I get through it?") Obviously, not very inspiring or uplifting. I see myself in some basic way as feeble and incapable. Or, as I am now intending and making it my practice, I can wake up and say, "Oh boy, a new day, I wonder what miracles I am capable of? How exciting, the planet is shifting to unity/love consciousness and I get to release anything that obstructs that- yippee, what fun!" Now as you can imagine, that might not be exactly what I am feeling in the moment. Yet I really get it. If I keep limiting myself in thought, I will limit myself in deed. So, NO MORE!!! I have had enough of pain and suffering- how about you? Now, after much practice, both situations have shifted dramatically although they are still not gone. I choose to have faith and await with wonder what miracles will bring healing to them. That definitely feels better than my former- "Oh shit, I can't take it anymore!" So I am going to stick with door number two and see where my magic carpet takes me.
P.S. I seldom recall my dreams lately but last night I dreamt vividly about the actor Tony Curtis. He was visiting me and he was still young and handsome. I was sooo attracted to him and couldn't decide how far to take it with him. Anybody got a clue what this might mean? For those of you who don't know who he is, he was a famous actor who I believe died recently in his old age.

Here is a link to a beautiful video of a woman explaining in Japanese how to release limitations. It is a practice I learned years ago in a slightly different form and found extremely effective. The man who taught me had learned it while in Africa working with shamans. For me, the woman in the video is so graceful in her movements and the Japanese sounds so beautiful. Needless to say, it is subtitled. I had never heard of her before but I believe she is known to be awakened.


http://stevebeckow.com/2011/07/ayako-sekino-vision-for-a-new-earth-part-1/

anniversary

Beloveds,

Happy 11-1-11! I wrote my first blog a year ago today and what a joy it has been. Sharing my journey and what it has taught me somehow makes it easier for me to live through the painful parts. I have such a strong sense that then my suffering can help alleviate someone else's and somehow that eases the journey. It is so strange to me that those of you who read regularly know so much about me and I only know what country you are from. Yet I feel viscerally connected.

I have a blog about the body brewing. The body is my last frontier as it is the one I have avoided the longest, not really wanting to "embody." The one thing I want to share now is a feeling I have had lately that is so new and delicious for me. I am taking a class called embodidance and I think it was there I first had the feeling, the feeling of expressing exactly what I was experiencing through movement. The expression was pure and absolutely authentic. There was a feeling of RIGHTNESS that was indesribable. My entire being vibrated with the knowing that for those few seconds I was 100% real, that my whole being was singing with Truth. It was joyful and fluid. I experience it again for one song while at ecstatic dance. I flowed through the song in a way that was so ME, so genuine, so alive. I saw someone staring at me and that somehow validated the feeling even more. He later told me how mesmerized he was by my movement. It as though a whole unknown world, a world I am sure many of you know well, opened to me. YUM!

Blessing, Beloveds as we travel toward the 11:11:11 gateway. Know that we are not alone and that legions of angels and guides are escorting our every step.

END OF THE MAYAN CALANDER

Congratulations- we made it! Twenty-six billion years of evolution contained in each of you. Each of you is a masterpiece. And to all those fear mongers with their predications of disaster, happily I can report, so far, so good. My understanding is that there has been such a shift in consciousness toward unity and the Divine, that a lot of the disasters have been averted. The planet will shift to God consciousness and we get to choose whether we do so after being hit over the head with a baseball bat or if a little tickle is enough to get us to transform our consciousness. ENJOY and celebrate the end of the Mayan calander. Now on to the 11:11:11 stargate!

transforming the ego's most cherished gift

I have planned this blog in my head for many months yet now hesitate to write, knowing the impossibility of even beginning to put into words what has happened to me and what I have learned in the last two years. Yet I literally feel called to write this, in the hopes that it may support perhaps just one person in reaching Love with greater understanding and ease. I feel driven to share my experience in the hope that someone will read my words and feel less frightened, less alone, more loved. I hesitate to share this as it involves others yet I feel compelled.

I meet my husband twenty-four years ago today. Two years ago, less one day, our marriage blew up. A half a year ago, plus one day, our marriage ended on Easter. I chose that day to release myself finally from my vows with the hopes that the day would give me the strength to believe in resurrection. To cut the ties that have bond us all these years was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My husband had already gotten clear and released himself yet this was the day we both were in agreement our marriage was over.

The reason I feel compelled to share the skeleton of this story is because of what it taught me and how my life has changed. Both my husband (now "wasband") and I  find love to be the only thing that makes life truly meaningful. Our quest for love has fueled both our lives. Our lives together forged a bond of friendship and family that felt almost impossible to break (and, as it turns out, we have chosen NOT to break). Yet some years ago I came to the realization that I was not in love with my husband. This created years of agony and soul searching yet I received inner direction again and again to stay. Two years ago my husband broke through to his feeling center and realized that he was no longer in love with me. In that break down, he opened up to so much and I found myself falling back in love. The year and a half that followed are unspeakable in their pain and torment. My husband was absolutely single minded in his pursuit of discovering a true love to make his life worthwhile and joyful. In that pursuit, everything from his past fell away. And that is why I am choosing to share this. Because this was the atomic blast that it took for me to release my commitment to what the Course in Miracles calls special relationships, the ego's most revered gift. In special relationship we seek someone or something outside ourself to make our lives fulfilled, meaningful. I too was dedicated to this belief until this occurred. For when my husband had his breakdown and lost his belief in everything that had previously made his life meaningful, he let go of everything and everyone from the past, including of course me, but also our daughter. He could only involve himself in this search for what might lead him to love. This was the wake up call I neeed. This catapulted me to the realization of what I have done in the name of love, of how, for love of one, I have been cruel even hateful to another or even to the one. I can not say with words how the foundation of my life was shaken, the anguish and tears as my very identify crumbled. I recognized how cruel I had been to my husband when I believed I was not in love with him, how I blamed and shamed him. I woke up to all the ways I had pursued love in one person to the exclusion of others. I felt the pain of that exclusion and understood in a radical way how much that disconnection had harmed me and others. I understood at the core of my being that this was the wound that would not heal until I found my way to unity consciousness, to inclusion. I became aware in my body how much it felt like poison when I exclude anyone or anything from my Love. I still have a lot of uncertainty how to live that Truth as I certainly do not chose to spend time with those I feel no rapport or alignment with, yet I am on the path of knowing inclusion and unity. This is what I have discovered so far.

I learned never to judge another, that if I do judge myself or another poison floods my body. I know now that the best way to remember who I truly am is to extend love to all that I encounter. I have woken up to the awareness that we can not possess another. I am recognizing more and more often that I have a choice to choose fear or love, panic or my I AM presence. I am learning a profound compassion. Clearing the blocks to love within has taken me to such dark places at times I feared for my own sanity. Love seemed a distant shore impossibly far away, leaving the sense that I would never truly be mySelf, that I would be bereft forever. Now when I see others lost in those swamps of self doubt, my heart goes out to them with such understanding and care. I know now, that for me, Love must be an inside job. I have spent my whole life seeking love outside and found that no matter how much I found or how passionate it was, it left a gap, a hole that could never be filled. To have something I was so sure of, that my husband would always be there for us, taken away overnight was such a shock that I had to reexamine all my beliefs. What I found for myself is that when I seek love outside myself, I lose my freedom by needing that love to always be there for me to be complete. I learned that in subtle and not so subtle ways I manipulate or shape shift to keep that love, since I perceived that love to be the oxogen that fueled my very survival. My wasband was very kind to me as we questioned our relationship and discussed over and over if there was any way to resurrect our marriage. At times I thought I would die or go crazy if he really left. Yet I find now that he is gone, I am absolutely clear it was and is the right thing, that our energies at this point do not merge in a harmonious way. Our friendship and sense of family has survived intact. I am looking at beautiful roses he left to welcome us back home after a trip, even though he moved out months ago. He too is finding his way and now is able to reconnect to us while staying true to his own path.

For the longest time, I thought my Truth should be his Truth. Yet the other thing I learned is that I have no clue what anyone else should do, or what their path is. Just because this is my destiny, no one else can share my road to freedom and joy. I can hardly believe the certainty I feel that all is unfolding in Divine order. I see so clearly that my wasband and I are so much better as friends and family than as husband and wife. I see that healing my core issue and belief that if someone leaves me they can take love with them, that without someone else's love, I am bereft of love has been the key that is unlocking the prison my heart has been hiding in for protection. This was one of the single most toxic beliefs that actually kept me separate from Love and from a knowing of my own wholeness, that  kept me a puppet. My road is still rocky yet strewn with miracles. I know that now, for me, I am looking in the right direction. I know where to find Love and how to keep it flowing. I have tasted again and again the delicious nectar of unconditional love. I have made so many loving connections with strangers and friends.  I sit here alone yet feeling more whole than I ever have. Ah dear friends, do these words touch you? Can you feel the wholeness I have found after a long, arduous and terrifying journey?


As I continue to uncover this internal source of love, I discover more love in my external world. While for now, my journey is still primarily internal, I foresee many loving relationships, holy relationships where we come together in wholeness to share the enormity of Love's power and joy. I trust my future to continue to grow in loving, holy relationships. I trust my wasband to find his heart's desire and that I can not say what that is for him. My task is to continue to uncover all the blocks to love inside of me and boy oh boy, are there plenty. Yet I believe that I have surmounted one of the most difficult obstacles of all- looking for love in all the wrong places. Happy anniversary Beloved. May our lives continue to flourish in love and friendship.

Hiring the Heavens and other tips

Beloveds

Wanted to share some tools that are supporting me in these most interesting of times.

I heard about the idea of hiring the heavens, hiring guides and energies from the angelic realms to help us with any challange. I was already doing it haphazardly and having great results. Yet since I started having committees, hiring guides for every situation I have had extraordinary results. I have a social director and my social life has never been better. Yesterday I was at an ecstatic dance night and experienced such wonderful energy. I hired a travel advisor and just got a very unexpected amazing deal on a two bedroom condo at some hot springs. I have tutors for my daughter (I hired Einstein but I am sure he might still have availability) as well as a cross country coach. I have financial guides, security guides, a web master etc. It is sooo fun and I get great results. I have a cook, exercise coach and so on. You get the idea. The book that got it started and I have finally read is called Hiring the Heavens.

I also just read a book called 2012: A Clarion Call. I recommend it for anyone who identifies with the words light worker, starseed, indigo, crystal or that feels they are deep in the ascension experience.  Another thing that has really helped with the physical symptoms of ascension for me is Total Amino Solution- 1-800-404-1065. I missed a day of taking them once and is was a very bad day- it helps balance our brains to all the shifts that are occurring, at least in mine and others' experience. I had a friend who wanted to die because she felt so tired and exhausted. For her, these were a miracle that saved her life.

 I just listened to a wonderful woman who is using a simple tool to pass on a high vibrational energy. I recommend listening to the hour long program and then getting her free diamond alignment video. 

Healing_With_the_Masters.zip 

I hope that will get you there.  Some quick tips- hope they help!